Sunday, December 31, 2006

Good riddance, 2006

Let's hope 2007 ends with better news than this one did.

In Maison du Machine, 2007 will be a year of good, positive upheaval.

I'll keep you posted.

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Guess what I'm doing tonight...

Dear CNN:
Stop referring to Gerald Ford as "simple."
It's a condescending term that is usually used to wax nostalgic about Midwesterners.

You want "simple" folk?

Come to Minnesota.


Frankie Machine.

p.s. How many war criminals could YOU count in the funeral coverage?

Thursday, December 28, 2006

God Save The Queen

Stow it, Limey!
The Queen has called for more understanding between young and old people in her Christmas message.
In the speech, she said elderly people needed to be shown respect, while young people needed to be looked after and offered good advice and guidance.

Of course she'd say that. She's OLD!

And if you visit the comment board on that story here, you'll see the supposedly cultured Brits are just as incoherent as anyone else. My favorite missive from across the pond:
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh. How can u say that. The queen is the head of state and if u r complaing that she doesnt do anything you would be the first to complain if she decided to use her power.
The Queen is a vital part of our country abd why it has been prosperus.
Have you noy noticed that since parliament reduced the monarchs power the country has become less happy and more sad. The Queen costs 57p per person now u cant complain for that.
What would you prefer president Tonly Blair.
May the monarchy live on and prosper for ever and restore their rightful power aafterall they were chosen by god.

God save the Queen.

Maybe it sounds better after a pint of Boddys.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Gerald Ford

I have a favor to ask.
If any readers are in DC or Grand Rapids, please pay my respects for me by going to the viewing and whispering "Frankie Machine says Hi." He'll know.

Whatever you think of how he did as a President, you have to admire the fact that he refused to let his museum be named after a DeVos or VanAndel.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Back to work tomorrow

The elderly steal children's presents.
An elderly woman may face charges after she reportedly refused to return a child's ball that was given as a Christmas gift but then kicked into her yard by a child.

Holy Crap!
I did not know Marilu Henner went to the University of Chicago.
"My roommate Linda was dating him (Brown), and he would walk me back to the dorm from physics class to see her," said Henner, who later became an actress on the TV series Taxi and in Broadway shows.

Weird, huh? I bet the U of C experience was the best preparation for dealing with Tony Clifton.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Happy Holidays

Mr. and Mrs. Machine are going to enjoy a traditional holiday of Chinese food and movies.

Sit tight, and don't let the old people ruin your Christmas Spirit.

I'll be back in 2007, and will make it "The Year Of Vengeance." Elderly, you have been warned.

Friday, December 22, 2006

A little late...

But I must concede a point:
Minneapolis-St.Paul sending Keith Ellison to be the first Muslim Congressman is a good thing, and is pretty cool and emblematic of what America should be.

Therefore, I, Frankie Machine, make the following retraction:
The 136,061 people who voted for Keith Ellison are neither pigf**kers nor meth addicts.

I'd like it known, though, that Keith Ellison moved here from Michigan.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006


There are so many reasons I cherish this skit:
1. Dennis Miller is involved in something that is actually funny.
2. Phil Hartman, Rest His Soul
3. An old person gets it.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

An OLD fashioned Christmas story

This is the funniest story I've read this Christmas Season.
"You mean I’m going to have to spend a couple of hours with a bunch of old people who sit around sleeping with their mouths open?”
The old man began singing in a wobbly voice, the words of “Hark the herald angels sing”. Slowly, one by one, other feeble voices joined in. Even those who were slumped awkwardly in their wheelchairs mouthed the words. Only Aunt Sue stood up and sang very loudly.

I didn’t realise how many stanzas there were in that hymn. Some of these people couldn’t remember the names of their own children, but they knew every word of the song. For awhile, I forgot about Penny’s party. It was weird

Maybe it's just memories of being taken out of school to sing at old folks' homes
(instead of actually learning)
but this story made my belly hurt.
From laughter.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

More Elderly Menace

When are we going to start doing mandatory license-yanking?
Two Pleasanton teenagers stayed overnight in the hospital after being struck Tuesday evening by a car driven by an 85-year-old, according to a statement released today by Pleasanton police.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Apropos of nothing

Just thought it was funny.

Sorry for the disappearing act. Rest assured I'm not in some black-ops holding pen. Yet.
Really busy. Ask around. There's a shitstorm brewing.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006


B-licious, check the spelling on that one.

Funny Comic Strip Artist of the Day. Not "ha-ha funny." More like, "if you're gonna call Ted Kennedy a drunk, make sure you don't go driving drunk" funny.

Hoosier Edward Bruce Tinsley, creator of the conservative comic strip Mallard Fillmore, was arrested in Columbus Dec. 4 and charged with operating a vehicle under the influence -- his second alcohol-related arrest in less that four months, according to the Bartholomew County Sheriff's Department.

Tinsley, 48, who lives in Columbus, had a blood-alcohol level of 0.14 -- almost twice the level at which an Indiana driver is considered intoxicated. He posted $755 bond.

Republican hypocrisy at its lamest, folks.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Why I Needed To Leave

letter to the editor.
Alcohol vote and Bible

Grandville voters' recent decision to allow alcohol sales on Sunday is disappointing, and it is sadly emblematic of West Michigan's gradual departure from biblical truth in general and Sabbath observance in particular ("Grandville approves Sunday alcohol sales," Press, Nov. 8). Sunday, the day that God has set aside for rest and worship, has become a day when hordes throng shopping centers and busy themselves with things that will mean nothing in eternity.

If we as a community looked to the Bible as our guide, we would heed the message of such passages as Exodus 20:11, Isaiah 56:2, and Matthew 24:20. While I am very thankful to live in an area where most people are religious, the Bible is very clear that religious devotion is offensive to God if it is not based on the truth. May our prayer be that our priorities would be more biblical and that we would return to our loving God who offers a beautiful promise in Isaiah 58:13-14.


"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to prosper."
Benjamin Franklin

On the left is Daniel McCarter. On the right is someone with whom Frankie Machine went to high school.

Someone Else's Song

I'm sure I'm not the first to have this idea, but I think whoever owns the publishing rights to Orwell's 1984 (*) should release it with the title "2007," and edit it in such a way that every use of "1984" is replaced with "2007."
Change some names around (e.g., Iraq for Eastasia) and generate some buzz. Call it "The Memory Hole Edition."

I'd buy it. And I have a crap job in a craphole city.

1984 has always been called 2007.

* It's Sunday Morning and I'm too damn lazy to look this up myself.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Elderly Crime News

One finds justice.
An elderly Revere man who sued two state cops for false arrest after he pinned an off-duty Revere cop under his Ford Explorer lost his lawsuit yesterday.

One tries to find love.
A 70-year-old woman who called on the house of a 79-year-old man on numerous occasions without notice has been arrested under the anti-stalking law, police said.

Sounds like a threat to me.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

The Comics Page is listening to me!

The Comics Curmudgeon reads Mary Worth like it's Maxim.

This is an accurate dramatization of this blog. I, Frankie Machine, am portrayed by Snidely Whiplash there, and the Elderly Menace is portrayed by, well, an Elderly Menace.

Toooooo perfect.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006


I hereby officially declare that CNN stands for "Can'o'Nuts News."

MINNEAPOLIS, Minnesota (AP) -- Heading home for the holidays, I'm already smiling as the plane approaches the Twin Cities of Minneapolis and St. Paul. The surrounding farm country is blinding in its unbroken whiteness through the flat horizon.

Unbroken whiteness and flat horizons? It's Siberia, and you know it.

Such are the memories of Christmases past for those of us who call the area home. One of my favorite wintertime moments was when two ice-fishers gave me barely liquid beer as the reward for having drilled my first hole through at least a foot of ice into black lake water. I drank the beer standing on Lake Harriet 50 yards from a popular beach, the downtown skyline reflecting the setting sun a few miles to the north.

Ecce drunko!
That's a play on the Latin phrase "Ecce homo!" for all you native Minnesotans.

Think Minnesotans exaggerate their Nordic prowess? The parade, in its 15th season, is only canceled for blizzards or at least minus 20 wind chill, that deadly combination of actual temperature and the speed of winds blowing in from the Canadian and Dakota plains. And of course, weather varies from year to year; the mean temperature on Christmas Day for the past five years has ranged from 34 to minus 4.

I can tell you firsthand that everyone here hates the snow and cold. Hates it so much they end up shooting each other out of frustration (higher murder rate than NYC!) and buying up Sudafed to cook up Meth.

You know what I had to do today at my job? I listened to two of my coworkers use racial epithets and laugh. No joke. People here are racist, ignorant, and deranged.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Another *^%&**^@!! workweek

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day.
Don't bother looking. It's Crankshaft. In today's Crankshaft, the old codger is moving some sacks of birdseed, which I think are really sacks of meth.

Naive University of Chicago Students of the Day
At the University of Chicago, hundreds of students have joined a protest movement in recent weeks, worried that the university is “selling its soul” to get a higher ranking from U.S. News & World Report.

I was thinking about that today, and thought about the Bible verse that goes
"What doth it profit a man, if he gain the whole world, and suffer the loss of his own soul? "

I was driving through craphole Minneapolis as I thought that, and had the Devil appeared next to me in my unpaid-for car, I would have had my pen out to sign my soul over. All ol' Scratch would have had to do is give me a job that does not suck donkey.

I am not making sense tonight, so shut up!

Gramps, if she's as old as you, she's not worth killin' for.
Philadelphia police say an argument between two elderly men over a woman led to a deadly shooting this weekend.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

To My Friend, the Czar

Friday, December 01, 2006

A couple of items of interest

First, Another drug dealing old person.
A grandmother found with a trunk full of marijuana was convicted of drug running in what prosecutors said was an attempt to earn cash for a bingo habit.

Second, my old enemy Gabe Suissa is back. He's now affiliated with Cross Country Moving & Storage of Kensington, Maryland.
So, beware.

Finally, Jesus' General catches on to the elderly menace.

Monday, November 27, 2006

I am so embarrassed.

Way to go, University of Chicago.
You crossed the line of good taste once again.
When you admitted these goons.

Godspeed, Robert

Robert Lockwood, Jr. has died.
Most of his audiences were a generation, a race and a world removed from his and Robert Johnson's experience as impoverished African Americans in the Jim Crow South. If Lockwood seemed happiest playing Johnson's music, he often felt obligated to tell these earnest new fans that Johnson did not sell his soul to the devil at the crossroads, as myth had it.

A personal story. I was with a two-year old family member at a performance of his at the Chicago Blues Festival. As he played, I picked up the little one so she could see, and whispered "That's the greatest music in the world right there."

And she dug it.

So, the music world loses another one.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

I still hate Minneapolis.

A bit wonky, but it does point out the myth that Minneapolis is a liberal enclave.

I can't add much more to it, other than to remind you all that I am surrounded by suckers, rubes, pigf***ers, and meth addicts.

Friday, November 24, 2006


An Australian decides to give the Mormons a taste of their own medicine. Said medicine being useless, as it has neither caffeine nor alcohol.

What fun. Going to Salt Lake City for a joke shows true dedication to the art of comedy. Or that you've been assaulted once too often by Mormons.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Anarchy In The UK

I'm finding that a lot of my fellows who wish to fight the elderly menace are in England.

I'm thinking of resurrecting the Lend-Lease act, so that the elderly menace can be fought properly.

Happy Thanksgiving, Everybody!

As you sit at your holiday feast, be it a turkey or ham or Chinese food or freshly killed pigeon, think of George Bush...
And be thankful that he has a short time left in office.

Really, be thankful. As bad as you may have it, a lot of people have it much worse. If you're reading this, for instance, you have internet access. And that's all you really NEED these days.

Alright, I'll shut up.

Monday, November 20, 2006


I learned that chant one summer when I visited the Czar at Eastern Michigan University in Ypsilanti, Michigan. It was at a football game, and he was very drunk. And by he, I mean "I was very drunk and he kept buying."
Ah, youth.
I have fond memories of Ypsi. To me, an undergraduate at the University of Chicago, the EMU campus was like California to an Inuit.
Ah, youth.
So it came as a slap in the face to learn that NERDS have infiltrated my Shambhala. One of them writes for the newspaper there. His name is William Lilly. And how he doth pontificate:
I understand everyone is not the same and apart of being on a campus is being accepting of those differences. But where do you draw the line? When does this go from being accepting to being downright foolish?

When I have to continually be in a classroom and smell marijuana lingering on your clothes from your fresh puff, to when I have to be in the library and hear your ignorance, to when I have to leave a party early because you decided a fight would be a most appropriate endeavor to engage in? Where, I ask, where do you draw the line?

I will say this now: I kept going to Ypsi because, for all Chicago had to offer, there was no college campus where that stuff happened! I was 20 years old and I loved walking into a house party not quite sure if I was leaving on my own volition. Those were grand times, Poindexter. Embrace the danger.

I also scoff at this:

When I started school some years ago, I thought I would be surrounded by some of the best young talent this country has to offer. That I, little William Lilly, would be in the presence of some of the smartest young people of my life. To that extent, I have not been disappointed. I have met some young people that are smarter than I ever could have imagined.

Not at the EMU I knew, Willy Lilly. I doubt EMU has really been going after the blue chippers from the nation's high school chess clubs, or hired top notch mathletic recruiters. If you wanted parties without fights, and classrooms without drugs, you should have gone to the University of Chicago.


LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- An 89-year-old man whose car hurtled through a farmers market, killing 10 people, was let off on probation Monday by a judge who said he believed the defendant deserved to go prison but was too ill.

Kill 10 people, get probation.
The elderly menace must be stopped.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

The BBC Understands.

Costello told presenters they should be broadcasting to "Dave and Sue - people in their 50s" and added: "Only put on callers sounding in the 45-64 age range - I don't want to hear really elderly voices."

To which one commenter added the following sageness:
The aged should realise there's a time to back away and let the young have their say. Most of the problems in the world stem from old men and women in power (how many influential politicians and religious leaders are under 55?) whose old-fashioned ways end up ruining life for the rest of us? Name me the last war started by someone pre-middle age! Time for bed, grandad.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

More OLD school beatz.

Not to sling mud,

but these people are insane.

University of Chicago Saturday.

I dont think anyone knows that this isn't satire.
So Becker and Johnson have put together an interdisciplinary major that will be the first among American liberal arts colleges to combine intensive training in both blues and economics, its academic counterpart long known as "the dismal science."

"What is economics but the blues, man?" Johnson asks. "You talkin' about a man and a woman, and the return on investment of buyin' that woman a fur coat or a diamond ring when you consider her propensity for takin' her business out on the street--you know what I mean?"

"Precisely," says Becker, who came up with the concept of the undergraduate course of study while listening to a Jimmy Witherspoon song one night. "Spoon was singing 'Money's getting cheaper--prices getting steeper'," Becker recalls. "It reminded me of one of Milton Friedman's favorite gags--'Inflation is always and everywhere a monetary phenomenon'. That always cracked me up."

R.I.P., Miltie.

They've Got To Pick a Pocket or Two.

The elderly are brazen pickpockets.
It's like an old folks' version of "Oliver Twist."

The security camera footage showed the grey-haired women, one with a bandaged ankle, chuckling to themselves only moments before they stole the purse.

The two frail women, in their 70s, were pictured holding on to each other for support.

When the student collected her bag from police, she realised her wallet was missing, sparking a search for the pensioners.

PC Gavin Alcorn, who led the investigation, said: "The student had left her bag for just a few minutes and the elderly ladies saw the bag and brought it into to our office at the station.

"They had just got off a train from Newcastle. When the student came back to look for the bag, she came to us and checked her possessions.

"She told us her student ID, Malaysian driving license and a small amount of cash had been taken.

"It is a very unusual case, but I do not think it is the start of a campaign by the older members of the public.

I beg to differ, guv'nor

Thursday, November 16, 2006

David Brooks can still shove it.

"We have entered a time when we can gather in large groups and look down at our mental, social and spiritual inferiors."

To that, I say, "bout frikkin' time!"

I wasn't going to say anything about this dreck, but he went after my man Mencken. And that cannot stand.

"Then, the condescending Menckenites were a small, educated sect, much less popular than the romantics who celebrated the Middle American common man in novels, movies, and fanfares. [Wank wank wank] Popular culture has traveled from "The Grapes of Wrath" to Borat the Magnificent."

A couple of points to my least favorite fellow U of C alum:

1. People burned copies of The Grapes of Wrath. Steinbeck feared for his life after it came out.
2. Mencken's sect of educated people was small because education was much more rare back then. Maybe the fact that there's more educated people these days who laugh at "the booboisie" (How I do love my man Mencken) is a good thing.
3. I come from as common a Middle American family as anybody else you wish to lionize. Gotta tell you, Dave. There's not much there that's fanfare-worthy. I know. Trust me on this one.


Wednesday, November 15, 2006


The gospel has now reached countries where people speak with an accent.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

One more thing this evening.

How I hate him.
Bush Pledges Continued Talks With U.S. Automakers About Health Care, Foreign Competition

WASHINGTON (AP) -- President Bush told Detroit's auto industry leaders on Tuesday he knows they are making "tough choices" to shore up their companies in foreign competition and promised continuing dialogue as they seek help on trade and health care issues.

"The president clearly understands the importance of the business to the United States and the global economy," Ford Motor Co. Chief Executive Alan Mulally said later.

Bush said, "We found a lot in common."

Yeah, you both have helped put lots of good people out of work.

And both your families did business with Hitler.

I still hate Minneapolis.

Stupid Letter to the Editor
How terrifying it must have been for the Chanhassen family that was held at gunpoint and robbed by a home intruder last week.
Let us all dish up a good plate of Minnesota Nice and flood this family with warm wishes and countless prayers to help alleviate their trauma and newfound bad impressions of our community.

Um, let's not. As someone who also has trauma and bad impressions of your community, I can say the LAST thing the family needs is "Minnesota Nice." As I've said before, Minnesota Nice is the problem. Warm wishes and countless prayers sound good, but they don't do squat. How about spending more money on police and less on football stadiums? Oh, that's right. You love your precious Vikings more than your neighbor's safety.

As for that plate of Minnesota Nice? Keep passing it. The smell alone makes me nauseous.


The dangers of Fundamentalist Christianity to a young Polish man.
My host parents treated me like a five-year-old. They gave me lollipops. They woke me every Sunday morning at 6:15 a.m., saying 'Michael, it's time to go to church.' I hated that sentence. When I didn't want to go to church one morning, because I had hardly slept, they didn't allow me to have any coffee.
That is SO not what Jesus would do.

And now back to business.
Dear Denise Richards:

Good job.
But next time, aim a little better. The elderly can be a surprisingly fast moving target.


Frankie Machine.

Monday, November 13, 2006


Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day
The Psychiatrist Couch is the most overused device in comics. But Lucy's "The Doctor is In" stand? Frikkin' genius.

PETA loves the University of Chicago.
They should visit sometime, and see how much they want to ethically treat the rats there.

Friday, November 10, 2006


Out for a few days.
Obligations, you know.

See ya on Monday?

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Amway Nation, epilogue?

Dick DeVos, FAILED candidate for Governor of Michigan.

While I believe all Democrats and liberals should celebrate and ramrod some much-needed legislation through and step all over the Republicans, I caution against taking our eye off slime like Dick Devos and Rick Santorum. As the Bush Dynasty shows, national disgrace does not exclude you from taking another crack at screwing up the world for everyone else (Rummy, I'm looking in your direction, you unemployed sack of shit. Doesn't feel too good not to have a job, does it?.)

Where was I?

DeVos, or someone much like him, will resurface in a few years, and try to get enough rubes to latch on to some God-and-Fear scheme to gain some power. We know what these ratf**ks look like now, so when next you see them, kick them in the balls and say "Not this time, Pigf**ker!"

Michigan, I salute you. You made this West Sider proud.

Monday, November 06, 2006

"I know."

That's what an elderly person said when someone told her she had hit a teenager with her car. That's cold, grandma.

"What Are Old People For?"
Unfortunately, I don't like the answer this book provides. But I do like what a reviewer says:
"Yes, historically some cultures have venerated the aged, but that wasn't necessarily the norm. Yes, some parents today overprogram their children (emphasizing in Thomas pseudo science terminology "DOING-being"), but childhood is a relatively recent luxury, and baring some extremes, it seems to me that parents today are as dedicated and loving as their forebears. This is the perfect book if you want to reminisce about a non-existant idyllic past, and tut tut about how we've lost our way. Otherwise, run. "
Sums it all up, doesn't it?

I blame ALL OF YOU for not telling me about this site earlier.
Old People ARE funny!

Sunday, November 05, 2006


Not a big fan of the guy.
Probably won't miss him when he's gone.
But why isn't anyone asking why he has to die by hanging?
No electricity for the chair? Oh, yeah. Forgot.
No bullets for a firing squad? In the hands of Iraqi police? I'd advise against it.
No drugs for the needle?Sorry.

The most functional thing in Iraq is a rope.

That he has to get hanged really says a lot about how catastrophic the whole situation is, and how his death isn't going to change a damn thing.

On Tuesday, vote for anybody not a Republican.

Also, I will pay $50 to the first journalist to ask Rumsfeld, after the hanging, if he feels bad that one of friends just died.

Saturday, November 04, 2006


Do the right thing.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Goin' to hell

and I'll be sure to avoid this guy.
Never in the history of excuses has there been one like this:
The Rev. Ted Haggard, who has resigned as one of the nation's top evangelical leaders, admitted Friday he had contacted a male prostitute for a massage and bought methamphetamine.

"I was buying it for me, but I never used it," said Haggard, 50, sitting in the driver's seat of a car with his wife, Gayle, at his side during an impromptu interview with CNN Denver affiliate KUSA-TV.

What does the White House say about their friend?
Haggard was one of a group of religious leaders who regularly participated in conference calls with White House aides, Time magazine reported.

On Friday, the White House sought to downplay Haggard's influence within the administration.

Spokesman Tony Fratto told reporters Friday that it was inaccurate to portray him as being close to the White House, insisting Haggard was only an occasional participant in weekly conference calls between West Wing staff and leading evangelicals.

"He has been on a couple of calls," Fratto said. "He's been to the White House one or two times."

So, somebody was letting meth addicts into the White House? Somebody call the Pope, because I want Bill Clinton named a saint in comparison to these criminals.

And what does one-time batshit crazy old person of the day James Dobson have to say about his friend?
The problem wasn't that he was a meth addict, it was that he was gay.
"All of us at Focus on the Family are heartsick over the allegation, not yet confirmed, that Ted has had a private life with a homosexual for several years."

I hate Focus on the Family. If you don't vote Democrat on Tuesday, James Dobson will have won.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

I need sunshine.

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

Another elderly meth dealer.
Williams started selling prescription medications out of her home and then she started selling methamphetamine also, Choate said.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Little sick today.

This is a funny old person story.
Here's why.
An old person got wounded by gang crossfire.

That's horrible, you'd say (except if you're a dedicated reader of this blog). Gang crossfire is deadly!
Not if they're using ROCKS instead of guns.

DENVER -- An elderly woman was injured during a confrontation between suspected gang members, Denver police said.
Police said a group of men were throwing rocks at a home at St. Paul and 50th Street in Denver Saturday.
The men were apparently trying to get the attention of rival gang members, police said.

Denver, I don't know what to tell you.

Do you know how many cities would love to have gangs that throw rocks at each other? That's not even gang activity. That's called "recess" where I come from.
So, good job controlling gangs to the point where they throw rocks at each other and can't even do that right. These gangstas can't even hit a house with a rock.

Maybe they don't have much to fight over now that the meth market is entirely based in Minneapolis.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

The elderly menace

In the words of Bono:
How long
how long must we sing this song?

Elderly driver strikes three churchgoers
Maine State Police Trooper Luke Cunningham said Carleen Murphy, 74, of Stockton Springs, her granddaughter, Michelle Gray, 24, of Stockton Springs, and Alberta Lawry, 69, of Deer Isle, were all hit as they walked toward the church, by a Toyota Corolla, being driven by Pearl Seekins, 84, of Searsport.

Yank her license and put her in old person jail, I say.

Hey, there's a business idea: old person jail. I'm going to pitch that to the government. See if I can get some sweet sweet tax dollars to build a minimum-security prison for old people who attack indiscriminately with their cars.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Video for the Overnight

And for all those privy to the inside joke...

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Thank you, Czar

For pointing out this little gem from today's Presidential press conference.
Fuzzy Math.
Take the child tax credit; if it is not made permanent, in other words, if it expires, and you got a family of four sitting around the breakfast table, the taxpayers can be sure that their taxes will go up by $2,000 -- $500 for that child, $500 for the one right there, $500 for this one, and $500 for that one. That is a tax increase. And taking $2,000 out of the pockets of the working people will make it harder to sustain economic growth.

Idiot. A family of four includes the parents.

Unless both parents are off fighting in Iraq.

Monday, October 23, 2006

It's "Go" Time

There will be no posting on this blog on election day.
If you come here to read my incitements to riot on that day, and you haven't voted for a non-Republican, I'm gonna put a Bridgeport Beatdown on you so bad.

Here's some words to get you reachin for your ass-kickin' boots. From Pat Tillman's brother:
Somehow America has become a country that projects everything that it is not and condemns everything that it is.

Somehow the most reasonable, trusted and respected country in the world has become one of the most irrational, belligerent, feared, and distrusted countries in the world.

Somehow being politically informed, diligent, and skeptical has been replaced by apathy through active ignorance.

Somehow the same incompetent, narcissistic, virtueless, vacuous, malicious criminals are still in charge of this country.

Somehow this is tolerated.

Somehow nobody is accountable for this.

In a democracy, the policy of the leaders is the policy of the people. So don’t be shocked when our grandkids bury much of this generation as traitors to the nation, to the world and to humanity. Most likely, they will come to know that “somehow” was nurtured by fear, insecurity and indifference, leaving the country vulnerable to unchecked, unchallenged parasites.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

More from this hole.

Well, at least they reversed the decision.
Metro Transit issued a statement Friday expressing regret for its decision to accommodate a Minneapolis bus driver who had asked to drive buses free of gay advertising.
Well, the Republicans are having their convention here, so along with shutting down the libraries, the city must be sure that people don't have to be anywhere near a picture of a gay person.

And there is this from the sane oppressed minority in this crapburg.
Next step: allowing bus drivers to determine who must sit in the back of the bus.

And in Japanese elderly watch,the elderly are now resorting to biological warfare:
A seventy-year-old woman has been charged under waste disposal laws after admitting to taking garbage bags from a disposal point and emptying the contents on local resident's front gardens.

Friday, October 20, 2006

A Poverty of Values.

In an effort to prove that Minneapolis is a welcoming city for the Republican Convention, they're closing down libraries. City officials deny that an opening night "bonfire" has any connection to these closings.

Strapped for cash to operate 15 libraries, including the city's new $125 million Central Library, the library board's finance committee voted Wednesday to make the cuts that would close downtown's Central Library on Mondays and shut down the Roosevelt, Southeast and Webber Park branches.

Dear Minneapolis:
You no longer get to claim you are a town of educated Midwest enlightenment. You are a city of suckers, rubes, and dullards.
I'll explain it to you in simple words, so you can understand.
Libraries hold books and other things (like the computer you're using to read this, and newspapers, and other papers that hold words and pictures). With enough time, a person can learn things from these libraries. Science things, for example. And art things.
You know that big set of building just across the river from where the Twins and Vikings play? Yeah, you call it "the U," I know. But do you know what "U" stands for? It stands for University. The thing about universities is that they admit people who know about science and art things. If you, as a city, cut down the availability of hours that kids can use these libraries, they may not get to go to a university. You wouldn't want that, would you?

But you would. You do.
I know this because you would rather spend your money on new sports arenas.
Like this one.
Tuesday's action, which was greeted with applause, does not require a referendum and opens the way for the team and the county to move forcefully toward building the $522 million open-air stadium in downtown Minneapolis in time for a 2010 opening.

I'll run those numbers by you: $522 million for a new stadium.
$125 million for a new library that is about to have its hours reduced. In fact, a lot of people agree with me:
Hadley said that in a recent public survey the library conducted, nearly 80 percent of respondents said they would support a property-tax increase to pay for Minneapolis libraries.

So, all you want your kids to know about is Twins' ERAs and Vikings success inside the Red Zone. Is it because you don't want them to know about the world outside of Minnesota? Are you afraid that they'lll find out how much of a craphole their hometown is? Why do you want to hold your children back?

Or maybe you really do prize sports above learning. Maybe you do take real pride in your sports teams' accomplishments. Chew on this then: Detroit is in the World Series.

Get back to me when you want to reconsider your priorities.


Frankie Machine

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

The Flashback Blues

This picture was taken back when B-licious and ol' Frankie Machine ran their syndicate.

Catchin' Up

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

Statin' the Obvious U of C alum of the Day
George W. Bush has betrayed America. He is no Christian himself, which is why he mocks real Christians. Christians should be ashamed for supporting such a Judas.
Way to catch up on what everyone knew back in 2000. Your bold iconoclastic words are an inspiration.

Another degenerate old person.
Police alleged Williams first spoke to the woman before exposing himself to her in Waratah Street on September 30.

Then, two weeks later - on October 13 - the man allegedly followed the same woman into Katoomba's Kingsford Smith Park and exposed himself to her again.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Grease, and Grease 2, suck donkey

Due to a brain shutdown this weekend, resulting from a massive workload this past week, I found myself in front of a rerun of the movies Grease and Grease 2.
I viewed them with the clinical eye of a good sociologist. I played Margaret Mead, if you will.
Those movies are bad for America.

As a reflection of the times they portray, they are propoganda. You know why? Everybody in those two movies is WHITE. Why did those producers choose to depict Jenison, Michigan? Check out this picture.

No African Americans or Hispanics or Asian-Americans. I may not be an expert in history, but I'm pretty sure that by 1960, those three groups were in substantial number across the fruited plain. So there's that. There can be only one conclusion drawn about Grease: the movie takes place at a segregated high school. With all the singing and dancing, it's easy to see the producer's attitude toward that chapter in American history: the kids loved it.

I recommend if you want a non-racist view of the high school music of the time, you rent La Bamba.

Furthermore, do the math on the ages of the "students" in the movie. I'll give you a minute.
Come on, this isn't the GRE.
I'll give you a hint. They all grew up to be Baby Boomers. The Pink Ladies and the T-Birds and The Fonz, I mean Danny Zucco, all grew up into the hypocritical selfish ruin-bringing Bush-electing fucks who have been on Earth way too long. No wonder Baby Boomers wank off over this movie: it makes them think they were once "cool" (and they define cool by doing the hand jive, in case you've forgotten).
Those cigarettes they all smoke? They grew up to tax the crap out of them.
The only one who didn't was Eugene, the nerd, who grew up to be Bill Gates. So fuck you, Thunderbirds. He can buy and sell your greaser asses many times over. I think one of them grew up into Neil Young , too, but I'm not sure.

Good God am I profane this afternoon.

So, in these two movies shoved down our throats as good old fashioned Americana, a racially pure high school gets depicted as a wonderland of singing and dancing and consequence free Aryan sex.

Bravo, Hollywood, Why don't you let Mel Gibson direct Grease 3?

Amway Nation, part etc.

Dear Michigan:
Thank you for finally seeing what a crock of crap this Devos fraud is peddling.
Maybe it was the summer heat that caused his spike in the polls, but the cool of autumn, and a winning U of M football team, seem to be making you think of the universe in terms that aren't batshit crazy.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Old people under the glass.

I laughed all the way through this.

But what really got me was this.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

I'm still here.

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

Ignominious U of C Alum of the Day
A graduate of the University of Chicago Law School with a prodigious political mind, Juliano acknowledged that, through his actions, he had smashed his lifelong dream of someday working in a presidential administration or in other federal service.

"I will forever be known as a supporting character in one of the most ignominious chapters in Illinois' political history," he said.

Old people make the worst rappers.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Take my poll.

I am seriously considering having T-shirts sold through cafe press, and need to gauge the market.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Been a week...

of NEEDING to get out of here. An it's some comfort to know I am not alone.

Minnesota Sucks!
The purpose of this Web site is to once and for all proclaim that Minnesota -- the self-proclaimed Mecca of America -- is little more than tossover human trash from other States!

I feel a strong sense of duty at being able to say in words what so many people sense when they come to Minnesota for perhaps the first ... and only ... time in their life, to visit the Mall of America.

I Hate This State.

A Short List:

4. There is not a single cool person from Minnesota. There are plenty of cold people (see #1), myself included, but that's different. I've lived here for over one and a half years, and the majority of the cool people I've met are from Michigan! Usually when you go to write a list of "100 reasons why something sucks", you have to really get creative. Not so with Minnesota! Christ, this is MICHIGAN that's whipping your ass in the cool people department. What's next, South Dakota wins the "Separation of Church and State" award of the year?
8. Rent & cost of living is expensive! WHY?!?! There are no beaches, or hot women, or fantastic jobs. However there are frozen lakes, lots of babies, and nutjobs. They should be paying me to live here!

9. Lack of cool states nearby. North Dakota, South Dakota, Iowa, Wisconsin, and Canada? All of them suck! At least Somalia has pirates, why can't Somalia be Minnesota's neighbor? Think of all the rich bastards in their sailboats on the Great Lakes that they could rape and plunder.

10. Lack of polar bears. It's practically the North Pole here, at least give us some polar bears to terrorize the homogenous white population here. Maybe if their babies regularly got eaten, they'd stop pooping out so many of them.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Brief Check-in

Haven't had time to do jack lately.
But you need to know this:
The elderly are fueling this meth epidemic.
SAN YSIDRO, Calif. -- An 83-year-old woman was among three people arrested on suspicion of trying to smuggle nearly $500,000 worth of methamphetamine through the San Ysidro Port of Entry, officials said Thursday.

At least there's a kindred spirt somewhere out there.
I lived in Minnesota for 2 years; the worst 2 years of my life, in fact. It’s where I met my ex-wife.
I can count the number of good, decent, worthwhile people I met there on one hand, you are not among them.
I hate Minnesota, and I hate you too.

Your template is lame, and your content is purile.

If you put half the effort into your blog that you put into you self-absorbed whining, you might actually have something worth wiping my butt with; instead, you have a blog that is barely worth me taking the time to acknowledge its existence.

The only reason I’m writing this re-review is because I know I can insult you to your face with it.

Do us all a favor: delete your so-called blog, then run your computer through a wood chipper.

Don’t forget to get a job, you lutafisk-eating waste of space!

There you go, you self-absorbed, whiney child, you!


Sunday, October 01, 2006

Two Good Craigslist Posts

From Minneapolis:
It made me sick to my stomach that so many able bodied people could look at these people who desperately could have used their seat and did nothing. If I were the parents of one of those two kids, I would have personally removed one of your fat asses from your seats.

From Grand Rapids:
When I first came to the city, I never knew what the names DeVos or VanAndel were associated with, but once I learned where their great amounts of wealth came from, I felt like Martin Luther looking in on the wealth and spoils of Rome.

Saturday, September 30, 2006

"Stop putting up with it."

An eloquent statement of defiance. Bravo, young sir.

Awesome editorial

Another dispatch from the front lines against the elderly menace.
Old people will read this and say that I am disrespectful of the retired. The answer is that I am not disrespectful but have a different view on this whole retirement thing. Consider this; the social security that you are collecting is paid for by me and the rest of us generation x’ers that will never see a dime of it. Enjoy. That and all the free drugs that the President wants to dole out.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

God keeps sending me signs

I gotta get the hell outta here...
The Twin Cities will host the Republican National Convention in 2008, a state Republican source said this afternoon.
Great. Even more pigfu**ers and meth addicts running around.

Really angry tonight.

Deluge of elderly to swamp U.S. communities.
Many expect to retire and get old in the communities where they live now, the report found. They will need special services ranging from senior centers to better public safety, Markwood said.

"To respond to the rapid rise in their aging population, communities will need to provide larger street signage, accessible housing, age appropriate fitness programs, as well as lifelong learning and job re-training opportunities."

Gimmee gimmee gimmee with these old people. Christ. They fuck up the world to the point where we actually have to have a debate over whether torture is permissible, then they say "Give me an age appropriate fitness program." The problem with the elderly is that they refuse to live in the world they've created for the rest of us. The Draft Board is going to be looking for my 30-something carcass to ship off to Iran or wherever freedom is not on the march, but the old folks will have their damn job re-training opportunities. Thanks, seniors. I'm going to have to drink a lot of Old Style to piss on all your graves.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

A friendly reminder to the elderly

Barnes & Noble does not sell cell phones.

But while you're here, they do have an extensive section on Death and Dying.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Tomorrow is Tuesday.

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day
Jeff MacNelly, who created this strip, won the Pulitzer for editorial cartooning when he was 24. Shame that his legacy is a crap comic written by someone else. For the record, I loved his stuff like his cartoons and his drawings for Dave Barry columns.

A classic moment in University of Chicago P.R.

New Hampshire gets it right when it comes to elderly drivers.
New Hampshire's motor vehicles director wants elderly drivers to be tested more often.

Virginia Beecher said she supports shortening the license renewal time as drivers age. She said older drivers would have to take vision and road tests more frequently to make sure they still can drive safely.
Beecher's comments come after an 81-year-old driver hit a young boy in Manchester and dragged him half a block before stopping.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Never forget

That once I trod these shores
and thought myself rightfully a victor.

In more humorous news, with the Minnesota Twins entertaining thoughts of a World Series, my own thoughts drift to another Midwestern city with a third-world murder rate, an evacuating auto industry, segregated surbubs, and a baseball team headed to the playoffs.

The year was 1984, and the city was Detroit.

Lovely. All these years I thought I was getting somewhere. Turns out I just ended up in another Detroit.

Hear that, Minneapolitans? You're Detroit now.

Amway Nation part 23

Two more reasons Dick Devos should not be Governor:
1: DeVos believes intelligent design is a valid scientific theory and that public school districts should have the option to teach it alongside evolution in science classes.

Actual quote:

"I would like to see the ideas of intelligent design that many scientists are now suggesting is a very viable alternative theory," he said. "That theory and others that would be considered credible would expose our students to more ideas, not less."

2: "We've got a lot of work to be done to assure that respect we feel for our seniors, our elders, is executed honorably at all levels," DeVos said.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

A Smoke Detector?

Another elderly person doing something repugnant.
Police in Chattanooga have charged a 69-year-old landlord with spying on a 20-year-old female renter.

Officers arrested Leasie Eugene Roberts after finding a video camera in a light fixture in one of his rental properties.

The renter told police she became suspicious Monday when she found what appeared to be a camera tucked between two stuffed animals on her night stand. She says Roberts told her it was part of a smoke detector.

And how about this?

The Materialism Challenge

In a recent discussion with The Czar, we finally decided who is to blame for our nation's screwed up priorities. You hear a lot about it: How many schools could be built with the money used to wage war in Iraq for a day; How many meals for how many poor children could be purchased with what it cost to rebuild the Superdome.
Yeah, we thought, we really suck if war and football is what we, as a nation, are spending our money on.
But it's too easy to blame the government for this. And you know what? You elected those assclowns. Yes, you! You need to take responsibility for what your representatives do. But raising the voter participation rate is not why I write this.
I write because instead of bitching, the Czar and I have decided to turn the problem on its head. You are the problem here. Every frivolous purchase of meaningless shit that you buy should be another reminder that it's YOUR screwed up priorities that need fixing.
So how's this?

This is a Customizable Minnesota Vikings football jersey. It costs $314.99. The capacity of the Vikings' stadium is 64,035. If that many Vikings fans simply did not buy their precious Vikings jersey, and used that money for something IMPORTANT, like textbooks for their local elemetary schools, or health care for poor people, there would be $20,170,385 that wouldn't have to be worried about come tax time.
$20 milion can go pretty damn far, compared to what usually gets spent on health care for poor people. So, Vikings fans, stop being so damn selfish. Or don't you want poor people to be healthy?
Do you want to complain about the lack of policemen on the beat? Sick of living in a city with a murder rate twice that of New York? May I direct you to aisle four...

This is a Minnesota Twins hat. It costs $19.99. Assuming that one in five people in the Twin Cities areas is a Twins fan (a conservative estimate, mind you) who would want to buy this hat, that's 593,800 people who should go to their police department and plunk down a $20 bill their damn selves and shut the hell up. The resulting total of more than $11 million could put a few more squad cars on the streets.

Twins fans, which would you rather have? A baseball hat, or a low murder rate?

Basically, you need to shut up and stop living in some John Lennon Imaginary world where the Air Force has to have a bake sale, and start changing priorities one person at a time. Look in the mirror the next time you wonder what's wrong with the world. It's you, buddy. It's all you. And you could stand to lose some weight.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

I need to get biz-zay

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day? Mary Worth. Over at the Comics Curmudgeon, they've been analyzing and dissecting this stalker storyline for a while. I haven't commented on it over here because I believe in not ripping off other people's ideas. But today's denouement needs to be shown:

So. Not. Funny.

Captain Kangaroo re-enacting a scene from "Leaving Las Vegas" has no place in my comics pages.

Unfunny U of C alum of the Day
In fact, the first six months at the University of Chicago were dreadful.

Like many students who were living away from home for the first time, I had the normal homesick feelings, but my anxiety was compounded by my urban - and some might even say my "ghetto" - accent and syntax. Despite the advent and explosion of rap music, which made it popular for all students - even the most privileged - to use urban slang and hip language, University of Chicago students were still expected to use the King's English. Anything short of that was completely unacceptable and painted you as vulgar.

Given this backdrop, during one of my first encounters at the University, I learned that I did not fit the profile. I can vividly remember meeting Angela, a very well spoken upper classman from upstate New York. After having a rather casual conversation with her, she told me that I had the worst diction she had ever heard. She went so far as to question how I had even been accepted by the university. I was devastated. I panicked and immediately decided to stop talking - except in those cases where it was absolutely necessary. In essence, I became selectively mute.

Angela, if you're reading this, you're an asshole.

Funny Elderly Story
Police said Heiss twice asked the elderly man to buy him liquor, and both times the man refused.

Ottawa Police Capt. Mike Kessinger said the elderly man rode his bike to the store, and upon his arrival, Heiss, who was in the parking lot, asked him to purchase wine. The man refused and went to buy a soft drink from a soda machine outside the store.

At that time, Heiss allegedly approached the man again, this time offering him money. When the man refused again, Heiss allegedly began punching the man in the face numerous times.

Powers of persuasion failing you? Punch 'em in the face!

Monday, September 18, 2006

Why haven't I thought of this sooner?

Batshit crazy old person of the day.

To all those of other faiths who have been offended by what this codger says, I can only give you advice based on my 13 years of Catholic school:
Ignore what the Pope, any Pope, says. Most Catholics do. The sooner you come to grips with the fact that he's just this side of senile, the better off you will be. I came to this conclusion when I was 12 years old.

He's not trying to start a crusade or attack Muhammad (Peace Be Upon Him). He's just a guy who has spent his entire life surrounded by Catholics, doing nothing but going to Church every day, and people keep putting a microphone in front of him. It's almost not his fault. He gets so swept up in the moment and doesn't understand that the world has changed. We didn't get to pick him, or have any say in his decisions or what he says. The best we can hope for is that he might fall asleep during Easter service or something.

Soon. Very soon.

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day.

The University of Chicago student newspaper has ripped off this blog.
The MAROON presents the “B-List” of famous alumni that supply the University of Chicago with exclusive bragging rights
I was doing this from way back, my friends. Frankie Machine. Often imitated.

The elderly rampage must stop.
Troopers say the suspect hit a male pedestrian around 5 a.m. Friday at Courtenay Parkway and Crisafulli Road in Merritt Island. The victim's body was discovered two hours later.

Troopers arrested the 91-year-old after he hit another vehicle three miles south of the first wreck.

And finally...
If only because he agrees with me that Dick Devos is a cretin, I link to Timbercake's blog. Timbercake, I don't know who you are, but because you hate Amway, that makes you a good person.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

More happy thoughts

We're Number 1!

Memo to the University of Chicago Alumni Association:
Fuckin' act like it now and then.


Frankie Machine

Amway Nation part 22

Dick Devos is a con-man. There. I said it.

DeVos says criticism of Amway equals criticism of nearly 4,000 workers at one of West Michigan's largest employers, whose philanthropic efforts have helped revitalize Grand Rapids.

"It's a terrible message for a sitting governor to go after a major, major manufacturer, a major made-in-Michigan exporter and major employer," DeVos said. "It sends one more terrible signal" that Michigan is hostile to business.

I vomit every time a billionaire complains that someone is "going after" him.

WARNING: Pat Boone's voice has been known to cause loss of faith in God.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

OldPerson's 11

The elderly are now trying to rip off casinos.
According to police, casino employee Ada Velez was selling stolen free play vouchers at a discounted price to Harry and Reinelda Badassare, an elderly couple of players at the casino. Police say the surveillance video caught the trio making the transactions outside the casino.

According to the story, they scored almost $900,000 doing this. Not too shabby for a criminal enterprise. The best part of the story?

An upset Baldassarre told us he didn’t know what had happened and none of this makes sense.

“I don’t know,” said Harry Baldassarre. “I don’t know what the [expletive] is going on, I just got out of jail.

Friday, September 15, 2006


My brothers and sisters of the road have their own website.

Support Our Troops

Who didn't see this coming?
Air Force chief: Test weapons on testy U.S. mobs

So, if they're testing their weapons on me, would Lee Greenwood be pissed if I didn't support our troops?

33% of this country sees nothing wrong with this proposition. You see, the logic goes, if the military tests its weapon on you, it's actually making sure the weapon is the best it can be, so that it can better defeat the enemy. By being attacked, you are actually making yourself safer.


Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Back to Normal

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day. Again, it's BC. I think The Comics Curmudgeon does a far far better job of keeping track of such comic backwash than I ever could. Johnny Hart has gone off the deep end. I expect word of his "suicide by cop" any day now.

This elderly person ran over somebody and then shot him, and then tried to say the poor kid tried to rob him.
You got a problem, Gramps. It's called "eyewitness testimony."
Sims said the young man was on his bike when Mason hit him with his car, jumped out shouting, "lay down" and fired a silver gun.

The University of Chicago: What Eastern Michigan University should aspire to.
I am reminded of another faculty member who said that we were being beaten by the University of Phoenix. When the University of Phoenix becomes our model, we are already beaten. We are better than that—at least right now. Why not choose the University of Chicago? Or City College? When EMU was State Normal College, it was proud of its standards. But the administration does not know what to be proud of. It has lost its way.
My days in Hyde Park were spent wishing the U of C was more like Ypsilanti.
I close this post with a shout out to my Ypsitucky Krew.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Scott Free.

Another murderous old person escapes justice.
A Thurston County Superior Court judge ordered that Eric Attwood, 83, could return home for the first time since his arrest for stabbing his wife in the neck as she slept on the morning of Oct. 3.

Bill Clinton is almost on The List

Screw you, too, Bubba.
President Bill Clinton invited a group of progressive, Democrat bloggers in for a 2 hour roundtable meeting at his Harlem office.
Conspicuously absent was ol' Frankie Machine.
I helped my man get elected, and now he pretends the elderly-bashing bloc doesn't exist. You gotta dance with them what brung ya, Bubba. Look me up when you're in town.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Give me a day.

Five years ago today, I was calling and emailing everybody I knew in New York and DC. I got in touch with all of them.
Because of that, I don't feel I should write anything about today.

See you tomorrow.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Some Sundays...

while all I can do is wait for Monday's crap to hit me, I remember Chicago.

It seems to help.

Nerds on Display

Actual footage of a parade of DragonCon attendees in, of all places, Atlanta.

For a subculture that prides itself on its quirky individualism, its members sure seem to pick the exact same things to wear.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Think this story has a point?

Think again. Old people like this really take away the romanticism of being deranged.
I remember in my younger days, I'd dream of the day I could just babble on in angry, non-linear, Joycean thought. I thought that would be "cool." Well, I grew up, and I learned one thing: it's not "cool."

New equipment

So, ol' Frankie Machine has a new computer, for various reasons, most importantly this blog.

So, expect more posts, as this hot rod smokes.

Friday, September 08, 2006

The week is officially over.

Much as I dislike Madonna, I can understand her predicament of being harassed by an old Dutch person. Being from Michigan, she is probably used to such things, though.

Much thanks to the Czar.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Let's try this again.

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day
Haha! Tennis!

The elderly's stories are fit only for comic books. Too bad it's all true.
A troubled teen gets more than bargained for when sent to his aunt and uncle's farm for the summer. FAMILY BONES is based on the TRUE STORY of the oldest married couple on Missouri's death row, as experienced one summer by their unwitting nephew.

In FAMILY BONES, rebellious teen Sean is shuttled from one family member to the next, finally landing at the farm owned by his elderly Aunt and Uncle. There, the city boy must quickly adapt to the rigors of farm life. Sean must also adjust to the emotional and physical abuse that Uncle Ray visits upon his wife and nephew.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Amway Nation, part 21

The fix may be in.
Republican gubernatorial candidate Dick DeVos on Monday chose a former lawmaker from Oakland County to be his running mate, adding a woman to his ticket who could attract votes in the state's second-most populous county.

Ruth Johnson, 51, is a former GOP state lawmaker from Holly who served in the House of Representatives from 1999 through 2004, when she was elected Oakland County clerk.

What does the County Clerk do?
Counts the votes.
Anybody else concerned?

Enough of the frowning!

Let's make fun of NERDS!
Another Nerdherding took place recently, called "GenCon." And this is what they wore.

They make fun of Italian-Americans...

and parade around as though it's a minstrel show in 1920.

Maybe if these nerds weren't so full of ethnic prejudice, they'd be more popular.

Happy Labor Day!

This is a map showing the change in median wages, by state, over the past 6 years. Via Washington Monthly.
I'm trying to keep this blog on the path of bad-comics-bashing and elderly-menace-exposing, but stuff like this keeps popping up and becoming more relevant to life. All I'm saying is this:
If you voted for George Bush in 2000 or 2004 based on your liking of Republican economic policy,
this is what you got.
If you vote for Republican candidates this November, this is what you are voting for. You think falling incomes across almost all states is great.

My mistake

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Told you

David Brooks can shove it.
For men with college degrees, they're now earning 12.8 percent more than they did in 1973 while women with college degrees are taking home 26 percent more pay.

Since 2001, however, the median wage for both genders with college educations remained essentially flat.

And among young college graduates, their entry-level wages have fallen since 2000 -- 79 cents per hour for men and 33 cents per hour for women.

A couple of thoughts here.
1) Is that 12.8% in actual, non-adjusted wages, or real wages? Because if the average college educated male is only making 12.8% more in actual dollars than he was 33 years ago, that's horrendous, but believable.
2) Though, if that 12.8% is in real dollars, that's still sad, given that

Between 1995 and 2005, productivity -- a measure of the quantity and quality of what workers produce per hour -- grew 33.4 percent.

3) has the cost of a college education likewise risen only 12.8% since 1973? I don't think it has.

Off the Hook

Garrison Keillor is forgiven.
Being a fair man, I will exclude certain old people from my enemies' list if they admit that I am right. Extra points to them if they are eloquent about it.
Today, Garrison Keillor gets the extra points.
I keep running into retirees in their mid-fifties, free to collect seashells and write bad poetry and shoot video of the Grand Canyon, and goody for them, but they're not the future. My college kids are graduating with a 20-pound ball of debt chained to their ankles. That's not right and you know it.

This country is squashing its young. We're sending them to die in a war we don't believe in anymore. We're cheating them so we can offer tax relief to the rich. And we're stealing from them so that old gaffers like me, who want to live forever, can go in for an MRI if we have a headache.

All he has to do now to get the Frankie Machine Medal of Honor is write a column or two about the Twin Cities' homicide and meth addiction rates.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Go Maroons

Ponderous Saturday

In those television commercials for Febreze, where the woman follows the family dog around spraying everything it romps on, such as the couch,
the dog bed,
the carpet,
the bedroom...

why doesn't she just Febreze the dog?

Hose the little guy down with Febreze, problem solved.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

So sorry

For not doing the usual comics-bashing and nerd-punching and elderly-kicking. All worthy goals, but this married life takes priority over the usual fun. I got thank you notes to write, you know. I can't be wasting my eloquence on this blog ALL the time.

Where is Positively Unemployed's co-editor B-licious in all of this? you ask.
I'll tell ya where.

I love this story.
They're holding an old person at Gitmo. Which, I was arguing long ago, should have been Gitmo's original purpose. It's on the island of Cuba, so it's conveniently located near the elderly menace's strongholds in Florida. Furthermore, old people still Remember the Maine, and would believe it if Gitmo guards told them they (the old people) were part of an invasion force.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Drinking early today

Up With People sucks. Word finally reaches Minneapolis.

More than 1,000 upbeat people were on hand Sunday to see the newest version of Up With People, an organization formed in 1965 to counter the counter-culture.

That's what the 80 young singers, dancers and smilers still do. They counter the raunchy and cynical with a navel-free, tattoo-less show about life as it oughta be.

One song, "An Ounce of Positive," sort of defines the lonely mission of the group.

"The news is filled with negative;

"the only hopeful story buried on the back page. ..."

Also, my message sounds so much more classy when put into a British accent.

Monday, August 28, 2006

You're kidding me.
Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards may have violated Scotland's new smoking ban by lighting up during a concert.

This is what the great scofflaw of rock and roll is done in by? A smoking ban?

I admit a devotion to Keith Richards, as he showed proper respect for the music of my Chicago. But when we start busting elderly musicians for smoking CIGARETTES...well, that's the end of it all, isn't it?

You wanna go after old people who break the law, how about this guy?

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Don't believe me that it's bad?

Believe it.
Last year Minneapolis had 49 homicides. So far this year 41 people have been killed, most of them shot in the street by men in search of money or drugs, or with a score to settle. The level of violence in this city of 370,000 is “off the chain”, according to Lee Edwards, who investigates murders. Minneapolis's homicide rate is now almost twice that of New York. And it is moving in the wrong direction.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

You hear this, old people?

That's the sound of a generation's rage turned against you.
Fear it.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Sweet Lord, rescue me

I guess the lesson here is that you should always wash your hands after crapping out a whole chicken. Apparently, it's a very enjoyable experience, judging from the cow's face.

I live in a drunken haze

Called Minneapolis.
No wonder everyone here is so easily awed by pigs and tractors. They're continually drunk. Raising the question:
Is Minnesota such a craphole because it's full of sots, or is it full of sots because it's such a craphole?

Full stats here.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Gettin the anger back

This elderly driver should be brought to swift and final justice.
The young woman in the story was, by all accounts, one of the good ones. Full of life and a love for this world and its people.
Badaracco’s sister said the former Brookline High School student, who graduated in 2001, was due to leave town soon for London, England, to get her master’s degree in comparative politics from the London School of Economics and Political Science.
Eventually, her sister said, the recent Northwestern University graduate wanted to obtain her doctorate to become a professor to satisfy her appetite for education.
Badaracco had gotten a taste of teaching while in college, as she volunteered at a school in Chicago before heading to the Southern Hemisphere shortly after she graduated in 2005.

But apparently, an old person felt the need to drive on the sidewalk and deprive this world of what she could have accomplished.
The driver, Florida resident Lenore Liner, came up behind Badaracco, reportedly jumped the curb and hit the young woman who was walking alone, according to Newton Police.

She was walking on the sidewalk and an old person hit her with a car.

Wake up, America. Let's mandate testing for the elderly menace.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

The Minnesota State Fair

It is upon us again.
People ask me, "Oh, gosh, Frankie, are you going to da fair? Ya gotta gotodafair!"

And this year, I am not. I am never going to the Minnesota State Fair again. I went last year, and saw this:

And I feel that to attempt to see anything else would be dishonoring the religious experience I had upon seeing this giant Red Wing boot.

But you should go. Check out the State Fair lineup.
Not to get too excited, but I'll just say that I am sorry I'm going to have to miss this concert:

As like every other gathering in this state, it features Garrison Keillor. I think the signs on the state border say that:
"Welcome to Minnesota. Featuring Garrison Keillor."

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Let's see if I still got it

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

The elderly now think it's their right to drive on the sidewalk.
The state took away Steinbach's driver's license in June of 2004, citing health reasons. He's been riding the mower at least a few times a week a half mile to spots such as the Piggly Wiggly supermarket and Beyer's True Value hardware store.

A little rusty, I know. But if someone were to write, say, an exposee on Prison Hooch or Malt Liquor, a Malt Liquor Challenge even, I might start getting inspired.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Reports of my demise?

Somewhat exaggerated.
Be back blogging this week.

It's official. Mr. and Mrs. Machine are now legally married. Thanks to B-licious and the Czar Kylius for attending and rocking out so righteously.

We also saw a taping of the Daily Show on August 16, because I wanted to confront Jon Stewart about stealing my material. Security, however, had different ideas.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Note to self


Thursday, August 03, 2006

Frankie Machine Writes A Letter

Dear Mr. Brooks:

I write to correct you on misconceptions you presented in your New York Times column of August 3, 2006 (“Bye-Bye, Bootstraps”).

You omit a key part of the quotation you attribute to Christopher Priga. While you quote him as saying “To be honest, I’m kind of looking for the home run. There’s no point in hitting for base hits,” you do not inform your readers that he added, “I’ve been down the road where I did all the things I was supposed to do, and the end result of that is nil.”

This is an important distinction to understand. I speak from my own experience on this topic. Because of federal budget cuts, I was laid off by a government contractor, having held an editorial position of expertise and responsibility.

After a yearlong depressing and disillusioning job search, I had to take a job that paid 25% less than I was making, with a 45-minute commute that cannot be done by public transportation. What is my primary task at my new job? Checking the spelling on food packages.

Like you, I hold a degree from the University of Chicago. I did everything “right.” I put money away into my 401k and other saving vehicles from my first paycheck at my first post-college job. I did not own a car until I was 30. I lived in cheap apartments in bad parts of town. I showed up at the office every day, worked the long hours, went on the road trips, and put my own personal plans behind that of my employers.

Admittedly, on my current salary, I am also paying most of the expenses for my fiancĂ©e and myself. She is a graduate student at a large public university, studying public health. Despite what has traditionally been a good bet for raising one’s income, her extra education makes our economic chances look slim. Between us, at the end of each month, we find ourselves another increment toward being penniless. Slowly, the tide is overtaking us. With gasoline costing more than $3.00 a gallon, and food, electricity, and rent likewise rising in cost, I doubt I could support only myself on my new salary, much less two people.

Even for all my effort, we are about to be financially broken. I have no problem or resentment toward those who, like Mr. Priga, decide to live a life of leisure in the face of such a future. Life is short enough, and the pursuit of wealth has proven itself to be pointless and a lie. Why not liquidate the assets, draw on some equity, and enjoy the days reading wonderful books and writing stories? Nelson Algren was right. It’s a rigged ballgame, but the game’s not over yet.

Rather than admonish those who chuck it all as being lazy and un-industrious, you should have focused on the following facts of the modern working world:

1. An undergraduate degree is nothing more than a union card. Employers do not distinguish between a third-tier and top-ten college or university; all the B.A. represents is sticktoitiveness and the willingness to work any position to pay off student loans.
2. With senior citizens continuing to work and not retiring, this creates a massive crunch for fewer and fewer higher-level positions. Case in point, myself: at 31 years old, I am the youngest person at my company. With eight years work experience, I am also the lowest on the corporate totem pole.
3. The economy has shifted, in the last six years, from needing educated and intelligent people to being a service-based, low-skill economy. With the benefits of education and employment diminishing day by day, and people having to get by on less and less, this situation is soon to reach dismal levels.

That you did not address any of these points, and decided to write in a moralizing tone that recalls Weber’s Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism, indicates that you don’t understand what is happening out here. It is bad, Mr. Brooks. With our nation’s energy, resources, and tax dollars being used in the war on Iraq, the shame of the wasted potential grows.

You attempt to wax nostalgic by saying, “Once upon a time, middle-class men would have defined their dignity by their ability to work hard, provide for their family and live as self-reliant members of society.” You fail to understand that those days are almost gone. I, and millions like me, work hard, but our ability to provide for our family and be self-reliant is diminishing rapidly. I assure you, Mr. Brooks, the situation you point to with Puritan self-righteousness did not arise from lack of trying. As I said, it is bad. And it’s going to get a lot worse.

Thank you for your time. I doubt I'll ever get to a U of C reunion, at this rate.


Frankie Machine