Friday, March 31, 2006

The Malt Liquor Challenge: Update

Sadly, the malt liquor challenge may be postponed because I can't find my camera. Until then, the St. Ides, 211, and Old E will be competing for fridge space with my fine cheeses and rotting vegetables.

Frankie reports that he has been traded by the Bloods prison gang to the Hells Angels prison gang in exchange for toiletries and Marlboros.

Finally, we know that old people are bad. We know that Wal Mart is bad. What do we get when they join forces? Something evil, for sure:

Thursday, March 30, 2006

The Malt Liquor Challenge: Preview

B-Licious again.

As a primer to my expose on malt liquor (AKA the malt liquor challenge), here is a simple primer on malt liquor. The way it differs from regular beer makes it worth the read.

I've gotten so busy studying up on the stuff that I can't find my camera. Frankie may have taken it to prison to trade for cigarettes and metal shanks.
B-Licious here.

Frankie is presently serving a four-day sentence at the Minnesota State Penitentiary for sending Dick DeVos too much hate mail. So you're stuck with me until he gets back.

Once I resume my life of crime, I'm going to do it in Norway. Here's why:

Nowegian Vacation Prison

I'm looking forward to wowing you with my expose on malt liquor.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

One more post before I go

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

I am thiiiis close to dropping the U of C alum notes. Those nerds better start riots or something, and right soon, or else they are all dead to me.

The elderly are profanity-spewing alcoholics.

See ya next week. Don't tick off B-licious. He has been known to rage.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Vacation Coming Up

Frankie's going to be heading out to different hunting grounds Thursday, so blogging for Thursday through Sunday will be done by one of my ex-con buddies, B-Licious.

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

I love it when the violent elderly turn on each other.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Kill Your Television.

For more unfunny Comic Strips, with cockpunch commentary, this is a good site. Give it a look.

Future U of C alum of the day And man, are they DUMB.

The elderly are racist.
Here's the line I have a problem with:
"Whether they are right or wrong, anyone who hopes to win converts or fashion a compromise in the immigration debate must understand this cohort of older voters made uneasy by illegal immigration, and sometimes by legal immigration. too."

Screw the old. The nation's decisions on immigration policy really don't need to be based on an "understanding" of them. Substitute "integration" for "immigration" and you'll realize how little we've progressed.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Andy Rooney

Has really gone off the batshit crazy deep end.
"As much as I like Girl Scout Cookies, there are some things about them that I don't understand.

I read the labels and I liked the cookies better before I knew what was in them.

They all have partially hydrogenated vegetable oil.

I made a lot of cookies in my lifetime and we don't have a drop of partially hydrogenated vegetable oil in our kitchen. We don't have any lecithin or niacin either. The Girl Scouts put what they call "reduced iron" in them. How would a girl reduce iron?"

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Dangerous Old Person Update

Charles Martin, the homicidal old person who shot an innocent unarmed kid has bail set at $2 million.

"After a Clermont County public defender requested bond on the aggravated murder charge, Assistant Clermont County Prosecutor Darrell Hawkins suggested the high dollar amount, saying Martin is dangerous.
"(Mugrage's) family is fearful for their lives," Hawkins said. "He has made threats to their lives before.
"Obviously, in this stage of his life he is a threat to society," Hawkins said. "

The elderly shoot young people in the back (twice), and they should be locked up. But what needs to be considered here is that Charles Martin was going around for years before, making threats and terrorizing the innocent. Elderly people like Charles Martin should be treated as the dangerous threat they are.

Amway Nation, part 13

News from the sham campaign.
In one corner, state Democratic chairman Mark Brewer,
And in another corner, DICK DeVos spokesman John Truscott.


"You do not have First Amendment rights on private property," Truscott said.

Well, folks. It's over. That's Amway thinking for you.

From the Detroit News story:
"At one point, Truscott poked Brewer’s shoulder to emphasize a point. Brewer threatened to file an assault charge.

“Fine,” Truscott said, “you can tell the police,” who moments later showed up."

Now, Frankie Machine (a Michiganian in self-imposed exile) has uttered that statement once in his life. He was 19 years old, and not exactly sober. So, you can draw what conclusions you want from a grown man poking someone in the shoulder and saying "You can tell the police."

Friday, March 24, 2006

Welcome to the weekend.

So, in case you missed it today...
The Washington Post hired a 24-year old racist whose writing portfolio consisted of other people's work.
He is found out.
Washington Post fires him.
24-year old racist blames everyone but himself.

There ya go. Good news going into the weekend. In the future, Eschaton can keep you up to speed on this stuff.

Why can't the Washington Post devote space to this kind of writing?
"I see and hear, and occassionally smell this kind of old person every day: they're trying to barge their way past on the pavement; grumbling and huffing with impatience at staff and other customers in the supermarket as they try to purchase a single mushroom, every request they make or question they ask is barked at the unlucky receipient in the most indignant of tones - scowling little trolls with a curt response and a filthy look on their wizened faces for anyone who they think may have in some way wronged them, which appears to be everyone. "

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Picture Friday!

(in advance)

I so want one of these. Think of the hijinks.

No Church Tonight

Brief digression:
The whole story here, which is that the Washington Post hired a racist plagiarist 24-year old, is quite funny and the reason everybody should read "Positively Unemployed." I give you what you need and what is important.

Now, onward and upward:
Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

Stereotyping U of C alum of the day

Another batshit crazy old person's rambling letter to the editor.
"I read the article on the closing of the Schnitzelbank with great interest ("Remembering the Schnitzelbank," Press, March 8). It evoked many memories. My family took me there when I was a child. When I got out of the service and joined Behler-Young, "the Schnitz" was the nearest decent restaurant.

Jack Behler had a regular table in the bar as did Roy Murphy, Charlie Mills, and a group from Corduroy Rubber."


Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Bad mood today.

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

Jerkoff U of C alum of the day
I really despise David Brooks.
Tom Frank explains why.

No elderly news today. Googling "elderly" depresses the hell out of me.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Happy Spring, everybody.

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day
Before you click the link, guess the comic strip by its unfunny punchline:
"I like the size of the pie, sometimes I didn't particularly like the slices within the pie. And so one way to deal with the slices in the pie is to give the President the line-item veto. "

Hungry U of C alum of the day

Maybe instead of targeting gentle hippies, the police should crack down on drug dealing old people.

Monday, March 20, 2006


Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

Downright Evil U of C alum of the day
"Like Bertrand Russell, Wohlstetter saw the world in terms of a bounded chessboard of U.S. and Soviet nuclear missiles, where his clever gaming strategies would ensure that more of "them" were killed than of "us." His strategic policies were madder than MAD (Mutually Assured Destruction), which he found too juvenile in concept. Instead, he supported flexibility—the preemptive strike, high-precision weaponry with precision targetting, and "nimble" military units. This is precisely the thinking behind Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld's revamping of the U.S. military, which was designed by longtime Pentagon consultant Andrew Marshall, another Wohlstetterite."

The elderly are homicidal, and shoot unarmed kids.
Then they brag about it.
Martin: "Kids just been giving me a bunch of (expletive), making other kids harass me in my place, tearing things up."
911 Operator: "OK, so what'd you do?"
Martin: "I shot him with a (expletive) 4-10 shotgun twice."

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Good Lord, what kind of place is this "Nevada?"

The elderly are pimps.
"A 72-year-old magnate of the sex industry in the Pahrump area allegedly tried to bribe the 27-year-old chairwoman of the Nye County Commission in an effort to open what would have been his fourth brothel in Southern Nevada, according to federal authorities."

I, for one, applaud our brave FBI agents who struggle daily against the elderly menace.

Amway Nation, part 12

"Roland Stoy / The Reporter Coldwater High School teacher Colleen Albright brought some of her Young Republicans to the event. From left, Jon Weigle and Roger Vella with DeVos."

Jack Black in the movie Bob Roberts.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Late Night Marion Barry!

Now he's getting mad!
"Marion Barry, a former four-term mayor of Washington and a current D.C. council member, yesterday said the media are trying to "make a joke of my recovery" from drugs."

That's crazy talk, Marion.

Great Headline:

Senior citizens enjoy music, food

Not exactly "Dog Bites Man," but...

March Madness?

Iowa and Tennessee are about to see some of my March Madness.

Welcome to The List, Hayseed and Hillbilly!

Friday, March 17, 2006

Picture Friday!

"Don't let the filthy Irishman shove you around! Go for his groin! Back in my day, the Irish knew their place!"

(There ya go, John C.)

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Amway Nation, part 11

I gots the March Madness, ba-beeeee!
Amway Dick's campaign for governor.

Pretty funny. Give it a click.

Also, screw you, Marquette University. I'll never trust you again.

Getting closer to Picture Friday!

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

"Orwellian Classic" U of C alum of the day

The elderly are wantonly degenerate.
"When Italian police pulled over the vehicle, they found a completely naked 70-year-old woman who had been trying to have sex with the driver -- 11 years her junior."

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Good thing I had that eighth cup of coffee..

Unfunny Comic Strip OF ALL TIME!

Possibly fictional U of C alum of the Day
"About a month ago, I rode Chair 11 with a lady who had her masters in journalism from the University of Chicago and wrote for the Wall Street Journal. When I told her I was a freelance writer who was unsure of taking out loans to return to grad school, she eruditely suggested I reconsider and get that extra degree. A pearl of wisdom I never would have received had I skied with my own crew that day. "

Does the U of C have a journalism program?

Helping old people leads to Communism.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Good to see you again.

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

A new president for the U of C!
"Yet, he said, he also will try to improve student life at a campus not known for fun.
He said his leadership style will be "open, engaged, transparent and one of ideas." On his first day as president-elect, he lunched with administrators, attended a reception with faculty members and went to a pizza party for students."

Dork. How about going to a beer party for students? Or don't they allow those anymore?

(Concession:Getting Jeff Tweedy to play campus was pretty cool.)

The elderly will attack you for no reason.
One 60-year-old dentist at an ATM grew nervous when a young man began acting strangely behind him, he said.
"He felt threatened," Carmichael said. "He hit him in the groin. The kid went away. Now the kid may not have threatened him but he knew he wasn't going to take that."

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Amway Nation, part 10

What is wrong with this sentence?

"If you do what you always did, you'll get what you always got," said DeVos, who aims to use his background as a business executive and co-founder of the Amway Co., to convince voters to elect him governor.

He isn't the co-founder. That would be his dad.

Also, I Googled that bit of wisdom. Apparently, even the "founder" of Amway speaks in hackneyed phrases and vapid cliches. And he's running for governor.

Friday, March 10, 2006

One final thing before I go

A good point

Want to develop your city? Kick out the old people.
"Elderly people don't want an increase in rates to build infrastructure when they're not going to live long enough to enjoy or get the benefits from them. And the irony is that in 10 years' time, when all the so-called baby-boomers retire, history may well repeat itself as we're not going to want that either," he said.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

A brief commentary.

I admire this man.

Picture Friday!

Lots to do on Friday, so I'm posting this in advance.
Apparently, in Norway, they deal with their old people by making statues out of them. And when was the last time you heard of an old Norwegian selling drugs and shooting people?

The Norwegians have a lot to teach us.

Furthermore, the elderly keep running their cars into buildings. The victim this time? A house and a hedge.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Beer would be good about now.

Truly Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

"Lost" U of C alum of the day
"It's also germane to mention that the University of Chicago Alumni Association has, in frustration and regret, labeled the classes of 1964-74 the "Lost Classes." These alums are embittered and alienated from their alma mater now -- thirty to forty years later -- because of unprincipled repressive acts committed by the U of C in those days, including political firings and mass expulsions, closely related to what you are now threatening."

The elderly deal "ice."
"KALIHI (KHNL) -- An elderly couple is accused of dealing ice in Kalihi. Honolulu police arrested the pair during a drug bust Tuesday morning."

I guess in such a warm climate, people must really want ice. I hear it's really easy to make if you have water and a freezer.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

101 Damnations

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

Dear Chicago:


Frankie Machine

Holy cats.
"ESCONDIDO, Calif. - A 75-year-old man punched his 92-year-old female neighbor during an argument at their senior citizens complex, fired an assault rifle at police officers and then committed suicide in his unit as SWAT teams surrounded the building, authorities said."

Monday, March 06, 2006

100 Posts!

This will be Positively Unemployed's 100th Post. Willard Scott refused to wish us happy birthday. So to hell with him.

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

Indentured Servant U of C alum of the Day.

"This is the life of Carrie Gevirtz, a 28-year-old social worker who finished a University of Chicago master's degree in social work last year.

Her debt is $55,000. Her annual income is $33,000."

Maybe she knows Johnny Sausage. The elderly rob banks.
"Police say a 75-year-old woman robbed a National City Bank branch in West Mifflin this morning at gunpoint and then led officers on a chase.

But the pursuit didn't last long."

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Ayn Rand rots in her grave.

This is the greatest reader review in all of Amazon-adom.

19 of 37 people found the following review helpful:

My husband left me because of this book, July 22, 2005
Reviewer: Boston Babe (East Coast) - See all my reviews
Unbelievably, I actually didn't hate this book. Despite my husband's insistence upon hanging Ayn's portrait in our den and the fact that it ultimately contributed to the demise of my marriage.

When my husband at the time bought it for me so that I could try to understand and relate to his obsession with Ms. Rand's philosophy, I was a good sport. I actually enjoyed the book, and we even enjoyed the movie together. But I warn readers and potential readers: Tread cautiously. And if you meet someone claiming to LOVE Ayn Rand - run fast and don't look back.

It's not cool or noble to emulate Howard and Dominique to prove to the world and yourself just how important it is to only think of yourself and no one else. Living your life like this on a daily basis can cause destruction, pain, years of heartache and can damage the lives of those around you for years to come.

This is what my former husband did. Woke up one morning and out of the blue, told me he didn't want to be married anymore. What did he cite? Ultimately, Ayn's edict of selfishness. My inability to understand this caused my husband to leave me. Operating for himself and only for himself, he continued to disintegrate little by little - taking a married woman as his mistress, breaking up hers and our marriage, isolating himself from friends and family, and several years later - continuing to live a lie - all masked under Ayn's philosophy of selfishness.

The end of my marriage nearly killed me. If I could stop the sad reality of divorce in this country, I would. In my 31 years of existence, I've experienced nothing worse. But now I'm happy to report that I have found a partner who exhibits more selfLESSness on a daily basis than I ever thought was possible. And I've been blessed to witness the other extreme. This is how we're meant to live on earth - making the world a better place and helping those in need. I'm not saying that one's own needs aren't important - they certainly are - just not at the expense of dozens of loved ones and certainly not to appease Ms. Rand as she rots in her grave.

Read the book and see what I mean. Read the book to become well-versed in Rand's banter and atheist philosophies. Just don't read the book and become an advocate of selfishness. The world doesn't need any more of those.

Amway Nation, part 9

I've been meaning to put this up for a while...

"Dick wants to take his radical right-wing agenda to the national stage. The DeVos organization has already registered the following domain names:"

And you all thought I was kidding, didn't you? If you had told me five years ago that the son of the founder of a two-bit huckster scheme would be seriously considering running for President...
I'd have believed you.

Ultimately, this is Bushworld we're living in. Once a Jesus-freak with dubious business sense uses his dad's name to raise enough money to gain political power, then everybody wants to try. Please, Michigan, don't be another Texas.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

The Pressure Within

If anybody reading this knows anybody in "the biz," do the world a favor and put this link in their hands.

Forgive the inside joke, but this movie makes certain other movies look like something a dog hocks up.

Having a great weekend?

The elderly run crime syndicates.

" "You continued to commit criminal acts as an elderly, infirm individual," federal Judge Sandra Townes told Cirillo.

Lawrence "Little Larry" Dentico, 82, was sentenced to 51 months. John "Johnny Sausage" Barbato, 71, and Anthony "Tico" Antico, 70, were both given 30 months each. "

Johnny Sausage!

Also, a batshit crazy middle-aged person writes in to your favorite fishwrapper:

Keep ban at Cornerstone

I was very surprised when I read in the Feb. 22 Press that Cornerstone University is considering dropping its stand on certain vices for employees. While I was deciding where I wanted to receive my undergraduate education, I had to decide whether I placed a higher priority on smoking, drinking and gambling or if my education was more important.

Though it is the employees, not the students who this change is being considered for, if the employees are allowed to do this (and the students are not), it will only be time until some students will point out (rightly) this double standard and shout, "Hypocrisy."

If I preferred these vices above my education, I was free to go to any state university and have a good old time. Some years ago, a group of Michigan State students rioted, destroyed and burned property. In response the school decided to tighten up on underage drinking.

An education is more important than mere partying and if one belittles it by (seriously) weighing between it and the "freedom" to engage in these practices, then that person is free to go elsewhere since it seems that education is considered little more than something to do between parties and games. Remember the historical reason that the temperance movement arose (from which came Prohibition) was to combat the rampant alcoholism, domestic violence, abandoning of families and economic poverty partly due to alcohol and gambling addictions.

I find it interesting that Dr. Rex Rogers of the university wants the staff ban on alcohol, tobacco and gambling reviewed since he has authored a book on the vice of gambling. As a proud alumnus of Cornerstone University, I am very disappointed that the school is considering this move.

Class of 1987

Cannon Township!

Friday, March 03, 2006

Ave Maria!

Tom Monaghan's Catholicville.

"If Domino's Pizza founder Thomas S. Monaghan has his way, a new town being built in Florida will be governed according to strict Roman Catholic principles, with no place to get an abortion, pornography or birth control."

I bet there will be nuns enforcing the laws, round-the-clock liquor stores, crappy music stores, and no traffic when Notre Dame is playing.

Also, LOTS of Bingo.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Which one's oral?

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

The elderly undermine the justice system with frivolous lawsuits.

Batshit crazy old person letter of the day:
-- The good life

I just want to say a special thanks to everyone out there buying import cars. I'll even include the cars of foreign manufacturers built in the United States.

I use to work in a plant that made parts for American cars, got laid off and am now collecting welfare while golfing almost every day. I could not enjoy such a grand lifestyle without those import buyers who threw away their Pledge of Allegiance to the United States.

Now, if I can only get more people to appreciate foreign countries' products more than their own, maybe I can have more of my buddies out there golfing with me. Me? I still love America.
I'm a veteran and drive an American car (even if the parts are made elsewhere) and love my fellow Americans. But, being on vacation every day ain't too bad.

JIM SNOEP/Grand Rapids

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

A little bit different today.

John Stewart agrees with me!

KING: You don't want Medicare to fail?
STEWART: Are you insane?
STEWART: You're literally asking me if I would prefer -- yes, Larry, what I'm saying to you as a comedian I want old people to suffer, old and poor people to suffer.

(Thanks to John C.)
You know what I like about John's doing this? He went into the teeth of the elderly menace, Larry King, and spoke truth to Geritol.

Also, "List" Update:
Giant Van Lines has had its licenses revoked!
Dig it: