Sunday, April 30, 2006

Amway Nation, part 15

Somebody got paid to write this crap.
"Michigan citizens deserve to know where their elected officials are making their money," Granholm said in introducing the ethics bills. "This legislation will ensure that elected officials are truly serving the people of Michigan, not themselves or special interests."
That it might, but in the meantime, if corruption is your worry, you might also vote for the candidate who already has a pile of money.

That is the dumbest, most naive line of malarkey I have ever read.

Oh, Dick Devos is not corrupt. Nope.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Old person under oath

The elderly have no respect for the justice system.

Dennis the Menace

I don't normally do Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day on the weekends, but it seems a good time to educate you about the sordidness associated with Dennis the Menace.
In the late 1960s, Ketcham made an exception to his never-never-land rule. "Determined to join the parade led by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.," he said, he introduced a black playmate for Dennis.

"I named him Jackson and designed him in the tradition of Little Black Sambo with huge lips, big white eyes, and just a suggestion of an Afro hairstyle," Ketcham wrote. "He was cute as a button, and in addition to being a marvelous graphic, he would reflect the refreshing, naive honesty of preschool children as yet unexposed to prejudice and rancor. It was a splendid opportunity to inject some humor into the extremely tense political climate. I urged my writers to give this priority and rolled up my sleeves with enthusiastic anticipation."

In the introductory cartoon, Dennis introduces Jackson to his mother, saying, "I’ve got a race problem with Jackson. He can run faster than me."

"A harmless little play on words," Ketcham thought. And so it was. But the uproar Jackson caused was not harmless. In St. Louis, rocks and bottles were thrown through the windows at the Post-Dispatch building. Delivery boys were assaulted in Little Rock. Newspaper editors in Miami were threatened.

Whenever you hear Republicans whining about how how everyone is too sensitive, and how they proudly consider themselves "Politically Incorrect," remember that they think "jokes" like this are funny. Racist asshole.

I did take perverse interest in this bio of Hank Ketcham's son, the real life Dennis the Menace:
Although Dennis may have been in storybooks, he did not lead a storybook life. As a boy, he had learning disabilities. His mother was an alcoholic, and his father's work schedule left little time for his son. In 1959, shortly after his mother filed for divorce, Dennis was sent to boarding school. A few months later Alice Ketcham died of an accidental drug overdose at the age of 41. Hank Ketcham remarried and moved Dennis to Switzerland. He had such a difficult time in Swiss boarding school that his father sent him to boarding school in America while he and his new wife remained in Europe.

Get out of the way!

Another elderly attack.
The pair were among 10 people injured when a car, driven by an 82-year-old woman, ploughed into the group at the Bathurst Showground shortly after 5pm (AEST) yesterday, police said.

Kathy Griffin hates old people
The gospel has now spread to Hollywood.

The old people take X and hold raves. How come the cops don't bust THEM?

Friday, April 28, 2006

My apologies

I know I haven't posted since Monday, and while I've made a diligent effort to not let life sweep this blog away, this week was very challenging. Such things happen from time to time, you know? B-licious, for example, once didn't leave his apartment for eight days because he was playing Super Mario Kart.

I'll resume updating you on the elderly menace tomorrow. Until then, enjoy Picture Friday!

Monday, April 24, 2006

Gonna be a good week.

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

Self-deluded U of C alum of the Day
"Such is the challenge and, to some extent, the point of publishing an X-rated magazine at the University of Chicago, a campus renowned for intellectual rigor rather than raw libido, and where, according to a popular T-shirt, "fun comes to die." "We're the ugly campus, and damn it, we're hot too!" declared Rutherfurd, 21, a junior and Vita's editor in chief. "It's distinctly U. of C. There's no Miss January. There's a hot girl and she's reading a book!" "

One pose seemed more sleepy than sexy, with the model, a public policy student, splayed on her back under an open paperback. Another caught hardly any cleavage above "The Craft of Research." The student looked washed out. Scared. Not particularly hot.

Another convert who knows the truth:

I gotta start charging these people royalties.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Picture Friday!

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

The elderly push smack.

Apparently, Scientology will you turn you old piece by piece.
How dare they do this to Katie Holmes. How dare they. Why don't they hock loogies at the Taj Mahal while they're at it?

Thursday, April 20, 2006

You can play human chess, too!

I used to dream of the day I would be wealthy and powerful enough to hire actors to be chess pieces on a giant chess board in the backyard of my sprawling estate. (Think about the set-up Mr. Burns had in that episode of The Simpsons.)

My goal: to play one game of human chess for no more than $150, or $75 per player. I thought this dream virtually unattainable until I realized I can exploit others and give the game a new, challenging dimension at the same time. The solution? Use the homeless, and pay them with malt liquor.

My scheme is full of benefits. It will give them something intellectually stimulating to do. At the same time, it will quench their almost insatiable thirst for malt liquor. Better yet, it adds a complex new dimension to the game - you will have to manage your pieces like never before. As they consume more and more booze, they will likely become unruly, unbalanced, and angry. They will fight, fall down, and wander off. You could play on a blacktop, using sidewalk chalk to draw the board.

You'll have to maintain the delicate balance between anarchy and keeping the bums happy enough to continue being your pieces. However, should chaos reign, it is sure to be entertaining. $150 can buy a heckuva lot of Old E.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

New addition to the list

You know who's going on The List next?
Whoever at Cartoon Network decided to put Saved By The Bell in the Adult Swim lineup.

How many naked pictures of that person does Screech have? Christ.

Short day today, class

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day
The artist rips off Shakespeare. Wholesale.

Succinct letter to the editor of the day:
DeVos embellishments

So let me get this straight. According to the article "Visionary or revisionist?" in the April 7 Press, somebody once closely associated with the Amway business may be exaggerating the extent of his accomplishments, this time concerning downtown development.

This person wants his friends and neighbors to join with him and support his pursuit of public office, so that together they can reach new goals to benefit everyone involved.

Now, where have I heard that kind of sales pitch before? Or could that be a little more of that license to enhance?



Monday, April 17, 2006

See, I didn't run away!

Blogging took a break over the weekend to honor the resurrection of the Big JC.

So, here we go.

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

U of C alum from a parent's perspective:
the bell hardly rings and she calls again, is she crying, or is that laughing? "They want me mom! They want ME!" "Anna Rae, WHO wants you?" I ask in confusion. "The University of Chicago! This is SO worth it! So worth all the hard work of keeping my grades up!" and she's laughing victoriously.
Check back in with her in February.

Something has got to be done about this. The elderly continue to shoot teenagers in the back.
the man went out to the street with a handgun and fired at least one shot, striking the teen in the back as he tried to run.

This story is terrifyingly similar to this story. Elderly person argues with a teenager, and shoots him in the back.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Picture Friday!

The elderly support the corrupt gaming industry.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

It's gorgeous outside.

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

Stupid U of C alum of the day
Why did he get the nod today?
Political science Prof. Daniel Drezner, for one, believes that his own well-known blog,, may have played a role in his being denied tenure at the University of Chicago last year.

They should have interviewed me.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

News day.

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

The FAA is one of the most dysfunctional bureacracies in the government. But the union for Air Traffic Controllers is, well, check out their blog:
Heck, it's so effective it was might have even been scrawled on some cave wall somewhere by prehistoric man, showing Grog and Bronk throwing a big rock at a dinosaur while he had his back turned. I think they called it "Dook-Dook-Ugh."

Another highlight:
"Bang! Bang! Halt!" is the practice of making sure the perp you are chasing isn't the shooter getting off the first shot. The po-po pickles off a couple rounds, shouts "Halt! and then walks over to see how busted up the suspect is.

"the po-po"?

Finally, in local news, a woman was raising tigers, but starving them, and one (justifiably in my opinion) got ticked off and attacked her.
Best line in the story?
"I swear she loved animals ever since she was about 2 years old," said Gamble, who described her daughter as tackling challenges from scuba diving to skydiving. "She was game for most anything."

I guess she was. Especially a tiger.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Sorry I'm late

I took Monday off because it was Monday.

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day
Just what we need. Another damn talking dog.

Litigious U of C alum of the day

It may come as a shock to you that the elderly now have blogs. I was alerted to this by an article in The New York Times, a paper known for its pro-elderly bias. So I looked at one by an old man I'll call "Gramps," and strangely felt as though I were visiting a smelly old folks home. I quote:
Here is what Penny recommends to ease the discomfort of a cold. Before going to bed at night, rub a lot of Vick's vapor rub on your feet and put on a pair of sweat sox. Then rub Vick's on your chest and neck. Put a little Mentholatum (it is gentler than Vick's) under your nose to help clear the nostrils. This may not speed recovery from the cold, but it can provide a little relief.

Along with that, she advises drinking a lot of water. And use Puffs tissues. They are softer than other tissues and don't rub the nose quite as raw.

Now add Pete's remedy to this and you are set. Pour a couple of ounces of bourbon in a glass, add a cube of sugar, a squeeeze of lemon juice - then add four ounces of water. Heat and drink. It may not cure, but you will surely feel better right away. In fact you don't have to have a cold to enjoy this.

84 years of life, and the best joke Gramps can make from those years of experience is a booze joke. Well, I'm glad to see my Social Security money's being spent to keep Gramps in fine joke telling form. And it wouldn't be a visit to a smelly old folks home without a meandering story that goes nowhere. And Gramps does not disappoint:

How many of you remember the orange crates? When I was a kid the groceries used to be delivered in boxes that had been used to ship oranges. These boxes were maybe three feet long and about 18" wide. The sides of the boxes were thin strips of wood - the ends soldi wood. And the boxes were bisected by a sturdy divider panel of wood. The ends of the boxes carried a coloful brand marking.

These boxes had many lives. Young people without much money used them as book cases. We kids made vehicles from them, taking the axles and wheels from our coaster wagons. Or the tiny kids just climbed in them and the boxes became whatever their imagination dictated.

If there was no other use for them, they were broken down and used for kindling to start furnace fires. This was in the coal furnace days.

We also remember that flour used to come in cloth sacks. These empty sacks were washed used as dish towels or cleaning rags.

And here is a relatied thought from Penny. The kitchen or pantry used to have a built-in metal bin for flour. When you pulled the handle, it leaned out so flour could be dipped out or poured in. Penny remembers asking her Mom why the bin was so big. The answer was that flour was used in many things so she had to keep a lot in stock.

And does anyone remember the little tin containers for maple syrup? The brand was Log Cabin maple syrup and the containers were shaped like a little cabin. They, too, had an afterlife as toys.

Well, I'm done here. See all of you tomorrow.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Amway Nation, part 14

Dick DeVos is everywhere
You know what's scary? Besides the elderly menace, this:
"They didn't imagine he would stay up this long ... and now they're scared to death he may stay up forever," said Ballenger, who added that he also believes the ads have given DeVos credibility as a potential alternative to Granholm.
That fear of nearly limitless spending is well founded. DeVos' vast personal wealth means he is theoretically capable of spending tens of millions of his own money on the campaign, Ballenger said.

Michigan voters are working my last nerve. Ads giving DeVos credibility. The man HAS no credibility. He lays off workers, invests in China, gets the city of Grand Rapids to subsidize his family's feifdom...But apparently, having lots of money is enough to bring DICK into a tie in the polls.
Have I forgotten to tell you he ran AMWAY? Ran it so well it had to change its name to Quixtar. Also, he and Tom Delay are good friends.
(I'm deliberately not linking to the stories that a doubting reader could easily find in three seconds of Googling.)

Granholm's campaign has not announced a start date for its advertising. The state Democratic Party has been waging a low-budget, Web-based campaign in an attempt to undermine DeVos' advertising claims. But the party also has so far stayed off commercial television.
This better be the greatest Rope-a-dope act since the Ali-Foreman fight, because if this low-budget internet campaign is their strategy, Michigan is finally screwed.

Friday, April 07, 2006

It's like my version of Christmas!

Poking An Elderly Relative With A Stick Day
Good thing today's Friday, so I don't have to worry about getting up tomorrow.

Picture Friday!

More evidence of the coming elderly Gotterdammerung.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Pretty standard day

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

Rationalizing U of C alum of the Day

The elderly will attack with whatever is at hand.
"This happened around midnight, at the "Assisted Living Center of Pasco County" in Hudson. Deputies say Olin Holcombe struck his roommate, Roland Casanova, multiple times with an aluminum cane. Holcombe continued to threaten a staff member and deputies, until deputies tasered him."

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

A long time coming

There is only one old person more batshit crazy than Andy Rooney.
Jack Chick.

How batshit crazy is Jack Chick?
"Recently, at the screening of Jack Chick's new film, Light of the World (which premiered in Ontario, California) Catholic Answers reporter Jimmy Akin met Jack Chick, and exchanged a brief dialogue with him. It was from this meeting that Akin produced his sketch (seen above). Akin reported that Jack Chick seemed polite and charming, though Chick did refer to himself as being "in the war" with Akin. He casually mentioned that the Vatican had "All my stuff," that the Pope personally viewed his work, and questioned Akin as to whether he was a Jesuit spy."

Which leads into today's Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day.
How unfunny is it? Dig this crazy panel:

Totally unrelated:
Callous U of C alum of the day
"He is also a brilliant economist who is regarded as a "genius" and the "most exciting" expert on cities. He was made a full professor at Harvard University when he was only 30; eight years later, he is also director of one of the nation's leading institutes on state and local government. And professor Edward Glaeser thinks the nation should allow the city of Detroit to slide right down the shit hole."

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Almost at full speed.

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

U of C rates 15th? Tied with BROWN? Maybe if you had a decent alumni association, you'd get back into the top 10. Nerds.

Geez. Another batshit crazy old person gets published, discussing matters in which he is so well versed:
Denying God's truth
The following is in response to those who oppose teaching intelligent design in favor of evolution.

I am saddened and very offended by evolutionists calling my God a liar! (Genesis 1). Last December we celebrated the "birth" of the Son of God (Jesus) who made this universe and everything in it. It was made by Him (Jesus) and for Him (Colossians 1). All His works praise Him!

They choose to believe a lie (Satan's native air) and won't, at the least, admit that some higher being created this world. Even pagans and all civilizations through all ages noted (innate knowledge) that some "great spirit" must be present. The beauty, order and complexity of life and all creation negates any other conclusion than that a creator is behind it all.
Believe it or not, God talks about them in Psalm 53.

I have question for them. When man evolved, what came first? His heart? His skull? His brain? His pancreas? His kidneys? His eyes? Legs? Get the point? For the body to live, everything had to be there at the same instant with all parts and organs connected. How could chance plus time give us two ears, eyes, kidneys, etc., all in functional place with all members of the body?

How I envy the man born in the year 1,002,006 AD! I understand he will have a third arm by that time (hope there is a hand attached). I could often use another hand!

SHERWIN DOORN/Gaines Township

Monday, April 03, 2006

It keeps spreading.

Another convert to my gospel.

Almost Free!

Much thanks to my old partner-in-crime B-licious for filling in for me while I did my time. They got me at a halfway house now, so internet's going to be restricted for today.

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

Also, along the same lines.

Finally, I saw a segment of E!'s The Soup in which they blatantly ripped off this blog and its position on Andy Rooney.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Oh. My. Gosh.

When did Mark Trail turn into pornography?

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Workin’ on the Chain Gang

A sign the apocalypse is a’ comin’: the kiddie chain gain -

Every once in a while, I see a pack of children walking down the street tethered together via what looks like a rubber rope. They are controlled by female slave drivers who bark orders at them and literally drag them along if they fall. These kids do not look happy. I assume that these unfortunate children are being led to work in the diamond mines, where they belong.