Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Three day weekends suck...

in that they end.
Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day
Toilet humor.

Hack Auteur U of C Alum of the Day.
In addition, schools like Colombia College and the University of Chicago are breeding grounds for filmmakers who use the city as a backdrop for its films.
If anybody reading this remembers the film Dan and Max did using cardboard cutouts of the Rice Krispy guys, and can put that film on YouTube...you know what to do.

Check out the inept U of C police officer.

The elderly have their own magazine.
Another regular section of the magazine, titled "Your Great-Grandchildren," features full-color photos of various babies each week. "Of course, the babies will be selected at random and not actually related to the viewer in any way, but the reader won't know that," Gurnstein explained.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Preach it, brother!

The Czar goes off.
In the end, maybe the Ancient Roman Republic was a better place than the current incarnation of the United States; the Romans at least had a few men like the Gracchus who were willing to try to bring about change, even if it meant their lives. Today however, bread & circus is more than enough to keep the average American happy.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Amway Nation, part 18

DICK Devos has a plan..Sorta. Ron Dzwonkowski calls out the obvious:
But at some point, sooner rather than later, voters are entitled to more from DeVos than promises to cut taxes, slash the state bureaucracy, invest more in education, revamp health care by starting with personal responsibility, and get everybody working together for a brighter Michigan future.
Ron, what country have YOU been living in since November 2000? Republicans like DeVos don't think voters are entitled to anything more than a big pieplate full of a shit sandwich.

There, I said it.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Saturday elderly watch.

Tip of the hat to Kyle.
I'll tell you what's the matter with Kansas. The elderly have declared war on Liberal law officers.
The 90-year-old Oklahoma man was arrested yesterday for assaulting a police officer 50 years his junior after the nonagenarian was stopped for disobeying a traffic control device. After his 2003 Buick was pulled over, Stevens allegedly struck Sergeant Daniel Yorio in the arm and resisted arrest.
Something tells me Bill O'Reilly has been inciting this behavior. He has an old people army under his command consisting of soldiers who look like this:

Thursday, May 25, 2006

I can't wait to get Memorial Day drunk

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day
Did Gary Larsen die? Because this hack seems to think nobody will notice that he's copying discarded, first drafts of Far Side cartoons.

Warpig U of C alum of the day

Bill O'Reilly is now officially an elderly person.
How else to explain this:
Many Americans ages 18 to 24 have no idea what's going on.

For example, a National Geographic survey says 63 percent of that age group can't locate Iraq on a map of the Middle East even though the USA has been fighting there for more than three years.

That may be because 80 percent of younger Americans don't even own a world map. Ninety percent of the young'uns don't know where Afghanistan is. Ninety percent. And here's the best. Twenty-five percent of Americans ages 18 to 24 could not identify Dick Cheney as vice president.

Now, many of these young Americans vote, and they are influenced by celebrities and the press that fawns over them. In some young precincts, it is hip to be dumb, cool to be uninformed. In fact, you're a geek if you know a lot about current events.

Thus, we have millions of Americans who get their news from Jon Stewart and their point of view from bomb-throwing entertainers.

Two words, grampa.
Ronald Fucking Reagan.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Brief Tuesday

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

More elderly car attacks.
Elderly Woman Drives Car Into 99 Cent Store

Monday, May 22, 2006

Another week?

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day
How desperate do you have to be for friendship to throw a party and invite Andy and Mrs. Capp?

Hot OR NOT University of Chicago Alum of the Day

The elderly prey on the homeless.
Police are investigating two women in their 70s who they believe hatched a scheme to offer two homeless men shelter, then collect more than $2 million US in insurance policies after they were killed in hit-and-run crashes.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Amway Nation, part 17

Friday, May 19, 2006

Thank Frikkin' Gosh!

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

Billy Joel Fan U of C alum of the Day

The elderly play insipid video games.
There is actually a game for grannies, based around finding your cats who've been captured by goblins who rub them together to make electricity. It sells exclusively to women who are over 60.

Best line in the article:
"I like games because I'm weak and lazy," one adolescent tells me as he stands in line for 3 hours to see the latest Nintendo offering.


Thursday, May 18, 2006

New Addition to "The List."

P&C Foods in New Hampshire.
They know what they did.

Let's just say it involves a World War II veteran and a bladder problem.

Memo to P&C Foods:
Any friend of the elderly is an enemy of Frankie Machine.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

A slap in the face

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

When the Chinese bust on the University of Chicago, you have to wonder...
Beijing's mayor, greeting Mayor Daley at his city hall, was in awe of Chicago's clean air and water.

But he did recall a visit to the University of Chicago 20 years ago. He said he was warned not to stray far from campus and was sorry when he did.

This picture makes me reconsider my stance on nerds. Click the picture for the backstory.
However you may feel about nerds/Satan, you must admit that that is one cool shirt. And I want one.

Tell me the elderly aren't coordinating these attacks.
Officials in Chanhassen said the 79-year-old driver had pulled up in front of the Fountain Bleau Beauty Salon on Friday and hit the gas pedal instead of the brake. That propelled the car through the front entrance and all the way to the back wall of the salon.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Mondays are like a big toilet

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

Yes, it has finally come to this.
Science Fiction Writers are now officially obsolete.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Amway Nation, part 16

DICK Devos is claiming credit for revitalization that went on when he was a child.
I saw the latest campaign ad for Dick Jr.'s run for governor. It opens with photographs of a dilapidated downtown Grand Rapids circa 1970, which Dick DeVos credits himself for rescuing from its pit of despair. Other than Dick Jr. being barely out of short pants when he allegedly began his program to renovate downtown, there's the inconvenient fact that the Amway co-founders, his father Rich DeVos and the late Jay Van Andel, took the credit for everything.

A good definitive summary of why DICK Devos is a shyster fraud conman.

By the way, like the new design?

Let My People Go

When a town with a pyramid scheme has a river that runs red, you know some serious shit's about to go down.
Ken Sehlmeyer of the Grand Rapids Fire Department says there were numerous callers concerned about the redness of the Grand River.

“We got calls that there was some type of red chemical possibly in the [Grand] River and at that time we sent an [fire] engine out to investigate.” [We] tried to determine where it was coming into the river and how far downstream it had gotten.”

Keep in mind the river running red is the FIRST plague. Keep checking Positively Unemployed for updates on locusts, etc.

For all the bible thumping going on in that town, you'd think the residents would recognize biblical precedent.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Wee Will Rock You

For my buddy Kyle:


The elderly are not going to like this one bit...
He added, "The elderly have had a good life and you have to give children and young adults a chance."

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Government Propaganda 101

The following are excerpts from two accounts of the same event: the opening of the new air traffic control tower in Atlanta. Guess which are from a government website, and which are from the air traffic controllers' union blog.

a) May 9 - As of May 6, the tower controllers at Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport are head and shoulders above their peers across the country — literally. Their new, 398-foot tower rises higher than any other in North America.

b)When the day shift arrived, they discovered the elevator out of service. Unfortunately, their security cards did not work to access the stairwell either, so they had to wait nearly an hour for someone with an appropriate swipe card to arrive and let them into the stairwell so they could begin the 602-step climb to the top.

a)The high-tech communications, automation, navigational and visual aid systems in the new facility, including the first dual-sensor ASDE-X in the country, are the most modern available today. Each new system was tested for months before the commissioning to ensure a seamless cutover to the new operation at 3:10 a.m Saturday morning.

b) When the day shift finally crested the steps in the world’s newest air traffic control facility, they saw a gleaming tower full of shiny, modern equipment that didn’t work. ...To top that off, there is a loud noise in the background as if a large ventilation fan is running. When asked, management’s response was, “What noise?” Facility management did seek out the source of the droning noise in the background, and reported back that it was the ASDE-X on the roof. If this is the case, this is going to be a major problem. Controllers working in the new facility report the noise to be so loud it is distracting.

a) The new tower, which is 165 feet higher than the previous tower, will accommodate current and future airport growth. It gives controllers an unobstructed view of the entire airfield, and will enable the airport to commission its fifth parallel runway on May 27.

b) From the new tower you can see clearly into the old tower, where the ATIS, FDIO and LLWAS are all lit up and working. The agency was determined to open the new Atlanta Tower on May 6th, and their obstinance reduced safety while increasing delays. The opening of the new Atlanta Tower was a perfect example of what happens when you put the wrong number of people in the wrong place at the wrong time for the wrong reasons.

Bottom line? Stay the hell away from Atlanta.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Back from the intermission

Why the anger?
It can be summed up in one run-on sentence: We have lost two towers in New York, a part of the Pentagon, an important American city called New Orleans, our economic solvency, our global reputation, our moral authority, our children's future, we have lost tens of thousands of American soldiers to death and grievous injury, we must endure the Abramoffs and the Cunninghams and the Libbys and the whores and the bribes and the utter corruption, we must contemplate the staggering depth of the hole we have been hurled down into, and we expect little to no help from the mainstream DC press, whose lazy go-along-to-get-along cocktail-circuit mentality allowed so much of this to happen because they failed comprehensively to do their job.

Also, this is a pretty accurate depiction of the elderly.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Short posting Today.

The elderly continue their burning rampage.

Step away from the computer and go outside. Otherwise, you'll start looking like the Doughboy. Speaking of whom...
How somebody snatched the 4-foot tall Styrofoam statue is still a mystery. He disappeared on April 15. Immediately, the pictures started coming in the mail, complete with notes detailing Doughboy's daily doings.

In the first note, the captors wrote, "If you close the store, the Pillsbury Dough Boy will be baked." The accompanying picture showed the mascot wearing a blindfold.

Since then the photos have arrived every couple of days. Later images showed him at a Dairy Queen, at a local fire station, a hamburger stand and a local strip club.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

All Politics is Local Saturday!

U2's Bono spoke in Grand Rapids.
He said that being in a violence-scarred city where the Protestants oppress the Catholics, the unemployment rate is atrocious, and there are stinking pubs everywhere reminded him of home.

I am vindicated!

I am not the only one making fun of University of Chicago alumni/a/ae!
One of those traitorous, non-rolling bloggers really goes after Wonkette's Ana Marie Cox.

But, I did it first!
Way back when.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Doctor Faith.

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day
Johnny Hart has just gone asylum-eligible. Soon-to-be Mrs. Machine suggests it's how he intends to end it all.

Non-rockin' U of C alum of the Day
In 2004, Loren Jan Wilson, a University of Chicago undergraduate, went so far as to devote his thesis to the subject. Using a computer program he wrote, Wilson analyzed Pitchfork’s writing to detect patterns in reviews. He found that artists that sounded “sad” or “plaintive” often elicited good ratings, while those that reviewers described primarily as “confident” or “assured” were less likely to score high.
Reminds me of the opening classroom scene in Dead Poets Society.

I know I shouldn't laugh at this, but...

More old person violence!

The elderly will come up to you in a public place and punch you in the mouth.
And they have THC in their systems.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006


This is what Richard Cohen of the Washington Post had to say about Stephen Colbert's act of patriotism:

But in this country, anyone can insult the president of the United States. Colbert just did it, and he will not suffer any consequence at all. He knew that going in. He also knew that Bush would have to sit there and pretend to laugh at Colbert's lame and insulting jokes. Bush himself plays off his reputation as a dunce and his penchant for mangling English. Self-mockery can be funny. Mockery that is insulting is not. The sort of stuff that would get you punched in a bar can be said on a dais with impunity. This is why Colbert was more than rude. He was a bully.

Oh, fuck off, DICK. I know grandmothers who can take a punch better than you can.

Had fate placed him differently in history, Dick Cohen would have been standing on the docks of Boston Harbor, saying "Oh, those mean Indians. It's so mean of them to dump that tea."

I love this weather.

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day
So, the pig gets to wear a suit and talk, but the cat is just a pet?

Any school that Condi likes, I must stand against, betraying all ties if needs be.
Hyde Park. "It has a spectacular university in the University of Chicago." Her old boss at Stanford University had been the provost at the U. of C.

The elderly are now targeting Supercuts for destruction.
A car driven by a 75-year-old woman plowed into a Supercuts Hair Salon in Glendale Wednesday morning.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Back to Normal

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day
First, Mark Trail started "working blue." Now, apparently, 9 Chickweed Lane might as well be the address for a smuthouse.

"Poor Dad" U of C alum of the day
Robert’s dad is very smart but poor. He went to Stanford University, University of Chicago, and Northwestern University, has a Ph.D., and never paid because he always had scholarships. Despite all of this, he still struggles financially. An education is no longer enough to ensure a person will be rich; that is a concept of the past.

Rich Dad knows this and offers Robert and Mike advice as they grow up. Rich Dad dropped out of school in eighth grade and taught himself about money, becoming one of the richest men in Hawaii. His theory is that a financial education is most important. Smarts about money, not books, are what will get you somewhere in life and few schools offer these types of classes.

The elderly have now turned their destructive power on our nation's ATMs.
"As he moved forward, his tires screeched, the wheels were turning at a high rate of speed and ... he lost control of the car and he hit the ATM booth and three people there," witness Randy Kellen said.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Not even going to try

What more can be said?

NOTE: CSPAN yanked it all from Youtube. How they claim copyright as a public affairs channel, I don't know. But do some Googling and I'm sure you can find alternate sources for the video of Stephen Colbert in open defiance of the emperor...I mean, President.

The next President owes Stephen Colbert the Congressional Medal of Honor.