Monday, November 27, 2006

I am so embarrassed.

Way to go, University of Chicago.
You crossed the line of good taste once again.
When you admitted these goons.

Godspeed, Robert

Robert Lockwood, Jr. has died.
Most of his audiences were a generation, a race and a world removed from his and Robert Johnson's experience as impoverished African Americans in the Jim Crow South. If Lockwood seemed happiest playing Johnson's music, he often felt obligated to tell these earnest new fans that Johnson did not sell his soul to the devil at the crossroads, as myth had it.

A personal story. I was with a two-year old family member at a performance of his at the Chicago Blues Festival. As he played, I picked up the little one so she could see, and whispered "That's the greatest music in the world right there."

And she dug it.

So, the music world loses another one.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

I still hate Minneapolis.

A bit wonky, but it does point out the myth that Minneapolis is a liberal enclave.

I can't add much more to it, other than to remind you all that I am surrounded by suckers, rubes, pigf***ers, and meth addicts.

Friday, November 24, 2006


An Australian decides to give the Mormons a taste of their own medicine. Said medicine being useless, as it has neither caffeine nor alcohol.

What fun. Going to Salt Lake City for a joke shows true dedication to the art of comedy. Or that you've been assaulted once too often by Mormons.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Anarchy In The UK

I'm finding that a lot of my fellows who wish to fight the elderly menace are in England.

I'm thinking of resurrecting the Lend-Lease act, so that the elderly menace can be fought properly.

Happy Thanksgiving, Everybody!

As you sit at your holiday feast, be it a turkey or ham or Chinese food or freshly killed pigeon, think of George Bush...
And be thankful that he has a short time left in office.

Really, be thankful. As bad as you may have it, a lot of people have it much worse. If you're reading this, for instance, you have internet access. And that's all you really NEED these days.

Alright, I'll shut up.

Monday, November 20, 2006


I learned that chant one summer when I visited the Czar at Eastern Michigan University in Ypsilanti, Michigan. It was at a football game, and he was very drunk. And by he, I mean "I was very drunk and he kept buying."
Ah, youth.
I have fond memories of Ypsi. To me, an undergraduate at the University of Chicago, the EMU campus was like California to an Inuit.
Ah, youth.
So it came as a slap in the face to learn that NERDS have infiltrated my Shambhala. One of them writes for the newspaper there. His name is William Lilly. And how he doth pontificate:
I understand everyone is not the same and apart of being on a campus is being accepting of those differences. But where do you draw the line? When does this go from being accepting to being downright foolish?

When I have to continually be in a classroom and smell marijuana lingering on your clothes from your fresh puff, to when I have to be in the library and hear your ignorance, to when I have to leave a party early because you decided a fight would be a most appropriate endeavor to engage in? Where, I ask, where do you draw the line?

I will say this now: I kept going to Ypsi because, for all Chicago had to offer, there was no college campus where that stuff happened! I was 20 years old and I loved walking into a house party not quite sure if I was leaving on my own volition. Those were grand times, Poindexter. Embrace the danger.

I also scoff at this:

When I started school some years ago, I thought I would be surrounded by some of the best young talent this country has to offer. That I, little William Lilly, would be in the presence of some of the smartest young people of my life. To that extent, I have not been disappointed. I have met some young people that are smarter than I ever could have imagined.

Not at the EMU I knew, Willy Lilly. I doubt EMU has really been going after the blue chippers from the nation's high school chess clubs, or hired top notch mathletic recruiters. If you wanted parties without fights, and classrooms without drugs, you should have gone to the University of Chicago.


LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- An 89-year-old man whose car hurtled through a farmers market, killing 10 people, was let off on probation Monday by a judge who said he believed the defendant deserved to go prison but was too ill.

Kill 10 people, get probation.
The elderly menace must be stopped.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

The BBC Understands.

Costello told presenters they should be broadcasting to "Dave and Sue - people in their 50s" and added: "Only put on callers sounding in the 45-64 age range - I don't want to hear really elderly voices."

To which one commenter added the following sageness:
The aged should realise there's a time to back away and let the young have their say. Most of the problems in the world stem from old men and women in power (how many influential politicians and religious leaders are under 55?) whose old-fashioned ways end up ruining life for the rest of us? Name me the last war started by someone pre-middle age! Time for bed, grandad.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

More OLD school beatz.

Not to sling mud,

but these people are insane.

University of Chicago Saturday.

I dont think anyone knows that this isn't satire.
So Becker and Johnson have put together an interdisciplinary major that will be the first among American liberal arts colleges to combine intensive training in both blues and economics, its academic counterpart long known as "the dismal science."

"What is economics but the blues, man?" Johnson asks. "You talkin' about a man and a woman, and the return on investment of buyin' that woman a fur coat or a diamond ring when you consider her propensity for takin' her business out on the street--you know what I mean?"

"Precisely," says Becker, who came up with the concept of the undergraduate course of study while listening to a Jimmy Witherspoon song one night. "Spoon was singing 'Money's getting cheaper--prices getting steeper'," Becker recalls. "It reminded me of one of Milton Friedman's favorite gags--'Inflation is always and everywhere a monetary phenomenon'. That always cracked me up."

R.I.P., Miltie.

They've Got To Pick a Pocket or Two.

The elderly are brazen pickpockets.
It's like an old folks' version of "Oliver Twist."

The security camera footage showed the grey-haired women, one with a bandaged ankle, chuckling to themselves only moments before they stole the purse.

The two frail women, in their 70s, were pictured holding on to each other for support.

When the student collected her bag from police, she realised her wallet was missing, sparking a search for the pensioners.

PC Gavin Alcorn, who led the investigation, said: "The student had left her bag for just a few minutes and the elderly ladies saw the bag and brought it into to our office at the station.

"They had just got off a train from Newcastle. When the student came back to look for the bag, she came to us and checked her possessions.

"She told us her student ID, Malaysian driving license and a small amount of cash had been taken.

"It is a very unusual case, but I do not think it is the start of a campaign by the older members of the public.

I beg to differ, guv'nor

Thursday, November 16, 2006

David Brooks can still shove it.

"We have entered a time when we can gather in large groups and look down at our mental, social and spiritual inferiors."

To that, I say, "bout frikkin' time!"

I wasn't going to say anything about this dreck, but he went after my man Mencken. And that cannot stand.

"Then, the condescending Menckenites were a small, educated sect, much less popular than the romantics who celebrated the Middle American common man in novels, movies, and fanfares. [Wank wank wank] Popular culture has traveled from "The Grapes of Wrath" to Borat the Magnificent."

A couple of points to my least favorite fellow U of C alum:

1. People burned copies of The Grapes of Wrath. Steinbeck feared for his life after it came out.
2. Mencken's sect of educated people was small because education was much more rare back then. Maybe the fact that there's more educated people these days who laugh at "the booboisie" (How I do love my man Mencken) is a good thing.
3. I come from as common a Middle American family as anybody else you wish to lionize. Gotta tell you, Dave. There's not much there that's fanfare-worthy. I know. Trust me on this one.


Wednesday, November 15, 2006


The gospel has now reached countries where people speak with an accent.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

One more thing this evening.

How I hate him.
Bush Pledges Continued Talks With U.S. Automakers About Health Care, Foreign Competition

WASHINGTON (AP) -- President Bush told Detroit's auto industry leaders on Tuesday he knows they are making "tough choices" to shore up their companies in foreign competition and promised continuing dialogue as they seek help on trade and health care issues.

"The president clearly understands the importance of the business to the United States and the global economy," Ford Motor Co. Chief Executive Alan Mulally said later.

Bush said, "We found a lot in common."

Yeah, you both have helped put lots of good people out of work.

And both your families did business with Hitler.

I still hate Minneapolis.

Stupid Letter to the Editor
How terrifying it must have been for the Chanhassen family that was held at gunpoint and robbed by a home intruder last week.
Let us all dish up a good plate of Minnesota Nice and flood this family with warm wishes and countless prayers to help alleviate their trauma and newfound bad impressions of our community.

Um, let's not. As someone who also has trauma and bad impressions of your community, I can say the LAST thing the family needs is "Minnesota Nice." As I've said before, Minnesota Nice is the problem. Warm wishes and countless prayers sound good, but they don't do squat. How about spending more money on police and less on football stadiums? Oh, that's right. You love your precious Vikings more than your neighbor's safety.

As for that plate of Minnesota Nice? Keep passing it. The smell alone makes me nauseous.


The dangers of Fundamentalist Christianity to a young Polish man.
My host parents treated me like a five-year-old. They gave me lollipops. They woke me every Sunday morning at 6:15 a.m., saying 'Michael, it's time to go to church.' I hated that sentence. When I didn't want to go to church one morning, because I had hardly slept, they didn't allow me to have any coffee.
That is SO not what Jesus would do.

And now back to business.
Dear Denise Richards:

Good job.
But next time, aim a little better. The elderly can be a surprisingly fast moving target.


Frankie Machine.

Monday, November 13, 2006


Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day
The Psychiatrist Couch is the most overused device in comics. But Lucy's "The Doctor is In" stand? Frikkin' genius.

PETA loves the University of Chicago.
They should visit sometime, and see how much they want to ethically treat the rats there.

Friday, November 10, 2006


Out for a few days.
Obligations, you know.

See ya on Monday?

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Amway Nation, epilogue?

Dick DeVos, FAILED candidate for Governor of Michigan.

While I believe all Democrats and liberals should celebrate and ramrod some much-needed legislation through and step all over the Republicans, I caution against taking our eye off slime like Dick Devos and Rick Santorum. As the Bush Dynasty shows, national disgrace does not exclude you from taking another crack at screwing up the world for everyone else (Rummy, I'm looking in your direction, you unemployed sack of shit. Doesn't feel too good not to have a job, does it?.)

Where was I?

DeVos, or someone much like him, will resurface in a few years, and try to get enough rubes to latch on to some God-and-Fear scheme to gain some power. We know what these ratf**ks look like now, so when next you see them, kick them in the balls and say "Not this time, Pigf**ker!"

Michigan, I salute you. You made this West Sider proud.

Monday, November 06, 2006

"I know."

That's what an elderly person said when someone told her she had hit a teenager with her car. That's cold, grandma.

"What Are Old People For?"
Unfortunately, I don't like the answer this book provides. But I do like what a reviewer says:
"Yes, historically some cultures have venerated the aged, but that wasn't necessarily the norm. Yes, some parents today overprogram their children (emphasizing in Thomas pseudo science terminology "DOING-being"), but childhood is a relatively recent luxury, and baring some extremes, it seems to me that parents today are as dedicated and loving as their forebears. This is the perfect book if you want to reminisce about a non-existant idyllic past, and tut tut about how we've lost our way. Otherwise, run. "
Sums it all up, doesn't it?

I blame ALL OF YOU for not telling me about this site earlier.
Old People ARE funny!

Sunday, November 05, 2006


Not a big fan of the guy.
Probably won't miss him when he's gone.
But why isn't anyone asking why he has to die by hanging?
No electricity for the chair? Oh, yeah. Forgot.
No bullets for a firing squad? In the hands of Iraqi police? I'd advise against it.
No drugs for the needle?Sorry.

The most functional thing in Iraq is a rope.

That he has to get hanged really says a lot about how catastrophic the whole situation is, and how his death isn't going to change a damn thing.

On Tuesday, vote for anybody not a Republican.

Also, I will pay $50 to the first journalist to ask Rumsfeld, after the hanging, if he feels bad that one of friends just died.

Saturday, November 04, 2006


Do the right thing.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Goin' to hell

and I'll be sure to avoid this guy.
Never in the history of excuses has there been one like this:
The Rev. Ted Haggard, who has resigned as one of the nation's top evangelical leaders, admitted Friday he had contacted a male prostitute for a massage and bought methamphetamine.

"I was buying it for me, but I never used it," said Haggard, 50, sitting in the driver's seat of a car with his wife, Gayle, at his side during an impromptu interview with CNN Denver affiliate KUSA-TV.

What does the White House say about their friend?
Haggard was one of a group of religious leaders who regularly participated in conference calls with White House aides, Time magazine reported.

On Friday, the White House sought to downplay Haggard's influence within the administration.

Spokesman Tony Fratto told reporters Friday that it was inaccurate to portray him as being close to the White House, insisting Haggard was only an occasional participant in weekly conference calls between West Wing staff and leading evangelicals.

"He has been on a couple of calls," Fratto said. "He's been to the White House one or two times."

So, somebody was letting meth addicts into the White House? Somebody call the Pope, because I want Bill Clinton named a saint in comparison to these criminals.

And what does one-time batshit crazy old person of the day James Dobson have to say about his friend?
The problem wasn't that he was a meth addict, it was that he was gay.
"All of us at Focus on the Family are heartsick over the allegation, not yet confirmed, that Ted has had a private life with a homosexual for several years."

I hate Focus on the Family. If you don't vote Democrat on Tuesday, James Dobson will have won.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

I need sunshine.

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

Another elderly meth dealer.
Williams started selling prescription medications out of her home and then she started selling methamphetamine also, Choate said.