Sunday, July 30, 2006

More elderly news to take you into the week.

Looks like someone's been cribbing off ol' Frankie Machine.
I daresay that if someone who was NOT considered elderly plowed into pedestrians and other innocent bystanders, or drove the wrong way on a highway, or committed some other dangerous or fatal driving error, that person would be charged with a serious offense quicker than you can say "Mickey Mouse."

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Late night heatsweat posting

The elderly car attacks just hit Starbucks.
An 85-year-old man who drove a car onto a patio at a Starbucks coffee shop and injured 10 people, two of them critically, isn't likely to face charges, police said Saturday.

"It sounds like it's just a simple mistake by an elderly man," said police Sgt. Richard Williams, adding he "seriously doubts" charges will be filed.

This was no accident. I bet that old man thought he could get a 25 cent cup of coffee like McDonalds gives to old people, and got mad when the hard working barista charged him $2.50. And, like his elderly comrades in cars, went on a rampage.

More Nerds!

And by that, I mean there should be fewer nerds.
While watching Cartoon Network's Adult Swim in a fit of whiskey-insomnia, I learned of another Nerdstock called "Comic-Con." Having been intrigued by DragonCon and its bevy of socially awkward mating tantrums, I investigated further. And brother, you need to see this. Comic-Con is to DragonCon what Altamont was to Woodstock. Only without the rock and roll.

You think that's bad? Then you are a pansy who needs to examine the netherworld of the soul. Like this:

I apologize if any of you are offended or scarred, but you needed to understand where all my rage comes from.

George Bush singing "Sunday Bloody Sunday"

Thanks to and Rx @

Another day of heat quarantine

So I'll catch you up on the elderly menace.
And the hits just keep on coming.
An elderly Rhode Island man's license is in jeopardy after he ran over his wife before crashing into a driving school, police said.

The elderly will try to convert you. My response to such elderly strong-arm faith tactics is this:
"I can't get behind a God who allows his people to fall into horrible smelly decrepitness as they get old."

Another convert to the gospel.
I'm going to start using "Old Qaeda."

Friday, July 28, 2006

This is how it is

I am sitting in the only room in my apartment that is cooler than 90 degrees, I have dragged the TV and VCR and two bottles of Warsteiner in with me, I am sitting on my bed typing this watching Billy Madison.

So, my blogging has been sluggish.

This high plains heat sucks donkey.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Not dark yet

Still kickin. Been...formulating. Yeah.

More this weekend.

Monday, July 24, 2006

And that's it for the day.

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

Why do THESE elderly need protection?
In what the regulator called a classic Ponzi scheme, Nadel and Malone solicited aged investors through Jehovah’s Witnesses congregations and used the proceeds to fund their lavish lifestyles.
I say if you're in the Jehovah's Witnesses, you're already being defrauded.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

A somber moment

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. A few things have kept me occupied mentally and physically. Oddly, I do have a lot of free time, but I am using it to keep myself distracted from the general shit state of my city, my country and the world right now. If I have to elaborate on that, you are already lost.

I watched Why We Fight last night, and before watching it, I thought I could not get even more depressed as hell about how things are. Well, I was wrong. So, to bring you up to speed, I give you excerpts from a speech by Dwight D. Eisenhower. Read it, and compare it to the current squatter in the White House and his "Bring It On" and "Let's Roll" vomiting.

What can the world, or any nation in it, hope for if no turning is found on this dread road?

The worst to be feared and the best to be expected can be simply stated.

The worst is atomic war.

The best would be this: a life of perpetual fear and tension; a burden of arms draining the wealth and the labor of all peoples; a wasting of strength that defies the American system or the Soviet system or any system to achieve true abundance and happiness for the peoples of this earth.

Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed.

This world in arms is not spending money alone.

It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.

The cost of one modern heavy bomber is this: a modern brick school in more than 30 cities.

It is two electric power plants, each serving a town of 60,000 population.

It is two fine, fully equipped hospitals.

It is some 50 miles of concrete highway.

We pay for a single fighter with a half million bushels of wheat.

We pay for a single destroyer with new homes that could have housed more than 8,000 people.

This, I repeat, is the best way of life to be found on the road the world has been taking.

This is not a way of life at all, in any true sense. Under the cloud of threatening war, it is humanity hanging from a cross of iron.

And here is another bit of comment from the last good Republican the country ever saw:
Should any political party attempt to abolish social security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. There is a tiny splinter group, of course, that believes you can do these things. Among them are H. L. Hunt (you possibly know his background), a few other Texas oil millionaires, and an occasional politician or business man from other areas. Their number is negligible and they are stupid."

Nevertheless, I am not giving up or anything. In less than a month, I shall be married. Ol' Frankie Machine is really looking forward to the happiest day of his life, and seeing some of his old comrades of the savage life.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006


Tom Tomorrow is now officially out of a job, apparently.
Along with the rest of our nation's satirists.

Posting while I can

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day
What the hell is this new baby? She's funnier than Marvin was, at least. But then, so is vomit.

Beirut visiting U of C Alum of the Day
Meanwhile, Shayna Silverstein, 27, who had been on a four-month study of the impact of popular and traditional music on Lebanese society for her University of Chicago graduate thesis, made it home to Spokane on Tuesday.

The elderly like it when dogs hurt small children.
The old lady proceeded to argue with me that it wasn't the dog's fault, I should teach her not to go up to strange dogs. Not once did she enquire how my little girl was. She was crying with a grazed and swollen dog bite on her hand.

The expression goes The Youth Of Today. Well, what about the elderly people of today?

Three old people and not one had any kindness or concern for a small four year old that had just been bitten by a dog.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Another old person enters the shrine

The shrine of "So Batshit Crazy You Lose All Sense of Time and Space."
James "Badass Motherf***er" Dobson.

Check out the man's rapsheet. Some choice quotes:
Consequently, Dobson writes, he learned at an early age to stay out of striking distance when he back-talked to his mother. One day he made the mistake of mouthing off when she was only four feet away and heard a 16-pound girdle whistling through the air. "The intended blow caught me across the chest, followed by a multitude of straps and buckles wrapping themselves around my midsection."
What the hell is it with batshit crazy old people having fond memories of child abuse?

A fifth member of the household, a stubborn little dachshund named Sigmund Freud, added to the chaos. When “Siggie” refused to go to bed one night, Dobson got out a belt and whacked him. The dog bared its teeth and Dobson gave it a second whack. “What developed next is impossible to describe,” writes Dobson in The New Strong-Willed Child. “That tiny dog and I had the most vicious fight ever staged between man and beast. I fought him up one wall and down the other, with both of us scratching and clawing and growling. I am still embarrassed by the memory of the entire scene.”
Anybody who takes a belt to a dog is going to hell as far as I'm concerned.

Your sense of balance.

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day
Nerd science has no space on the comics page.

Another elderly car attack.
This is reaching epidemic levels.
Milton Katz, 87, of Tamarac, died at North Broward Medical Center after his landlady, Iola DeSanto, 84, of Tamarac, ran over him, according to BSO.

Around 8:35 a.m. Tuesday, Katz, who was a tenant in DeSanto's home at 8205 NW 71st Ave., was sitting in a lawn chair in a grassy area next to the end of the driveway, BSO said.

DeSanto backed her 2003 Saturn out of the driveway and ran Katz over, BSO said.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Old people unvarnished.

This video will be to the elderly menace what "Silent Spring" was to DDT.

I keep telling you people.

The worldwide attacks by the elderly car brigade continues unabated. From Australia:

The car, driven by an 83-year-old man, went into the Stockland Forster shopping centre at about 4pm [AEST] yesterday, knocking over a number of shoppers, police said.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Picture Friday!

I am in a real foul mood.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Tu Stultus Es.

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

It's been a lingering story, and I post it here because there's no way for me to summarize it:
The University of Chicago is in league with the Iranian government.
(Yes, I am aware that linking to "The Tehran Times" makes me a freedom-hater. So don't say it.)

The elderly are degenerate exhibitionists.
"I wouldn't give this up for any place in the world," says the 72-year-old retired real-estate broker. "This is an oasis."

McElhinney is a happy - and uniformly tan - resident of the nudist capital of the United States. He lives in Pasco County, which, according to folks who track these things, boasts the largest concentration of nudist resorts in the nation.

This is another reason why, should I become President, my first official act will be an airstrike on Florida.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Lazy Hazy Crazy Days of Summer

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day
I don't find Domestic Abuse funny at all, thank you very much.

"Conservative" U of C alum of the Day
Women have been leaving their traditional roles as mother and wife in part due to the sexual revolution; but some conservatives argue that this deviation from what nature intended has had substantial negative impact on women. Amy Kass, a former University of Chicago professor of classics, wrote, “The happiness they [women] were promised — the happiness they dearly want — is somehow eluding them. … The politics of sexual liberation for women have devolved into a veritable nightmare.” In Ms. Kass’ version of the war between male desire and female virtue, both men and women are happier when the traditional model of gender relations is restored. Men make advances, and women resist with the “promise of yielding should the man prove his worth.”

Leon R. Kass, Amy Kass’ husband and former chairman of the President’s Council on Bioethics under President George W. Bush, revealed the truly revolutionary implications of the sexual liberation movement: “For the first time in human history, mature women by the tens of thousands live the entire decade of their twenties — their most fertile years — neither in the homes of their fathers nor in the homes of their husbands; unprotected, lonely, and out of sync with their inborn nature.”

Oh, Croesus! Have you seen Amy Kass lately?

(personal note: I'm not sure the above paragraphs are fair characterizations of the full scope of their statements, but I'm incredibly lazy.)

And the elderly menace continues its streak of "car"nage.
Eyewitnesses said Jeanne Severson-Maag lost control of her car at Thoreau Street and Byron Avenue, and crashed into several cars parked in a driveway.

Monday, July 10, 2006

I haven't forgotten you.

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day
Alley Oop. Putting to rest the notion that Neanderthal and Homo Sapiens did not interbreed.

It takes a Frenchman to smack University of Chicago alum David Brooks around
The pulse of a city
David Brooks evokes the names of George Ade, Nelson Algren, Ben Hecht and Theodore Dreiser ("Page One's missing characters," Meanwhile, July 8) while imagining himself to be an heir to the golden age of Chicago journalism.
But one thing these writers shared that defined their journalism was a social conscience, an element apparently lacking in Brooks's writing.
Having a few drinks in the Billy Goat Tavern isn't enough to feel the pulse of a great city, as witness his simplistic observations that the "newspaper-devouring working class no longer exists" while the "social conditions that underlay the urban realist reporting of the old days" has also disappeared. He says that machine politics are a thing of the past.
What has really changed in Chicago journalism is the fact that not long ago there were four large dailies and now there are only two.
And, by the way, those neocon college graduates of the University of Chicago have led the current bumbling and stumbling into the morass of Iraq and have hardly shown themselves to be "globally savvy."
John Long, Saint Affrique, France

Elderly vehicle attacks? Now a worldwide epidemic.
An 89-year-old man is in serious condition after an unfortunate mishap with his vehicle. It began when he was attempting to back into his driveway, when he misjudged his home's orientation and struck the side of his house.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

More elderly attacks

The elderly are attacking Pedestrians and anti-Joe Lieberman politicians. As usual, with their cars.

Witness Bill Hoezel told The Day of New London, "People were facing the tracks and didn't see the car coming. The car was moving probably 10 to 15 miles per hour, much quicker than someone trying to edge through a crowd. There was no warning and no screaming, just thump-thump-thump as the bodies were hit."
In the crowd was Ned Lamont, who's challenging Sen. Joe Lieberman in the Aug. 8 Democratic primary. Lamont was not injured, but three of his campaign workers were.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Word from Home.

City can't lose festivals

In the future, I see Calder Plaza being a ghost town where it used to be a lively atmosphere on summer weekends for various festivals ("City fees may kill Polish fest," Press, June 28).

I am getting disturbed by The Press articles regarding the costs/fees to hold the many festivals at Calder Plaza in the heart of downtown Grand Rapids. Besides costs, now they (the politicians) are going to allow some organizers to charge admission fees to help cover the costs.
Grand Rapids

So, to recap. The leaders of a city run by The Dutch are being cheap about the cost of putting on festivals. Further, they intend to inflict their damn Hollander cheapness on the Polish.

I quote a joke I heard in third grade:
Q. How do you take a Dutch census count?
A. Roll a quarter down the street.

Chicago Memories

Before the gentrification of my old heroin-ridden neighborhood, before Wilco, even before brunch at Wishbone, there was this:

(Coincidentally, this is the approximate ratio of men to women in the typical Chicago bar).

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Routine Thursday

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

This is the question asked of potential University of Chicago students:
"Have you ever walked through the aisles of a warehouse store like Costco or Sam's Club and wondered who would buy a jar of mustard a foot and a half tall?"

The elderly are in big, big trouble.

Finally, may Ken Lay rot in hell.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Dear Readers: You are STOOPID

So sayeth Mallard Fillmore.

Great Caesar do I hate Mallard Fillmore.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Happy Fourth of July

I except these elderly people from The List.
Several dozen protesters, some using wheelchairs, canes or walkers and many sporting flower-festooned hats, held signs and chanted outside the downtown Armed Forces Recruiting Center. Some drivers waved and honked their horns in support, and the grandmothers replied by cheering and clapping.

A few of the women went inside the recruiting facility to speak with military recruiters and to try to dissuade those who arrived to enlist.

"We're saying, 'I've lived my life. Let me go to Iraq instead of our grandchildren, so they have a chance to live their lives,'" said Jean Haskell, 74, a grandmother of five from Philadelphia.

Grandmothers for Peace.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Happy Freedom Day!

I say Freedom Day, because it's the day before Independence Day, and you can't have Independence without freedom. The day after the Fourth is Liberty day. Then Unalienable Rightsmas. You can look it up.

I have come to appreciate The Fourth of July as the great celebration of smartasses (like yours truly). A lot of the men who signed the Declaration of Independence were not soldiers, or warriors, or generals. They were lawyers and beermakers and second-rate businessmen. But they pulled off the greatest smartass move the world has ever known.
They wrote to the King of the country with the most powerful army, the country who legally they were indebted to. And they said "Shove it, George." (Oh, if we had such men today).
When asked to defend themselves, they said, "What makes us independent? Why, this piece of paper! Also, rights! Certain UNALIENABLE rights! " "Who gave us these 'rights?' God did!"
It really was THAT simple. It was a plan so crazy it HAD to work.
And they went to the townsfolk and the hill people, and said, "Hey, wanna shoot some Brits?" They dug up a hack of a General who used to fight for England, and asked him "Look, you're the only guy here who knows what to do. Wanna suit up one more time and get back at your old boss?"
So, tomorrow, hug the smartasses in your life and thank them for their service to this country.

Now on to the usual.
Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

Another Bush Lackey U of C alum of the Day

The elderly continue to attack police officers.
Pavlick became uncooperative with police and threw his wallet out the window of his car. He then pushed the driver’s side door of his car open and struck a police officer in the arm causing a minor injury.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

A final note for the day.

Forgive the rare note of political commentary.
The Bush administration is now taking the fight to bin Laden on his own ground: strongly worded statements released to the media.

"These terrorists offer nothing in their ideology and messages beyond future fighting, conflict and misery," the Bush administration said in a statement read by a White House official.

The official said the United States was analyzing the contents of the message and working to determine the authenticity of the recording, which was not immediately verified.

"If authentic, the tape demonstrates yet again that bin Laden and al-Qaida continue to use the media to justify their dark vision and war against humanity," the statement said.

George, Osama should be dead by now.
He planned the murder of thousands of people on American soil, and is drawing breath almost five years later. Why?

The Mall of America

A lot of my snooty East Coast readers fail to understand the role the Mall of America plays in the life of those of us in the Heartland. They treat stories of the Great Mall in the same way they treat stories of Paul Bunyan and Michigan Stadium.

I say to these elitist city slickers, behold the Chapel of Love. We burly folk can get married at the Mall of America. And it's cheap!
Their "Premiere Package" is as follows
Pre-wedding consultation and on-site wedding day bridal consultant
Private use of the Chapel for 60 minutes
Use of bridal dressing room
Custom prelude, processional, unity candle and recessional music selections
CHAPEL OF LOVE unity candle, garter, toasting glasses and
bottle of champagne
Maximum attendance: Wedding couple and up to 70 guests

Monday – Thursday, $699
Friday & Sunday, $749
Saturday, $849
Not available holidays.

And let it not be thought only Lutherans live out here. A diverse crowd ties the knot here. And the Chapel of Love is ready to oblige any faith, which they define as:
Customizable ceremonies where couples choose from Christian, spiritual, or civil services
See, liberals? We've got Christians AND Spirituals out here. Everyone is welcome.

While the future Mrs. Machine and I were there today (alas, we are not getting wed there. The Chapel of Love also has a very well stocked wedding boutique. With various college themed garters), we actually saw a young groom, breathless and sweaty with anticipation enter the store and make sure all was well with the preparations. So I started thinking, who gets married at the Chapel of Love?
I have found the answer. Good, heartland people.

Saturday News

The elderly are at the heart of organized crime in this country.
FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. - A Palm Beach Gardens, Fla., grandfather accused of heading the Genovese crime family's South Florida operations was arrested Friday morning along with a 96-year-old Miami man believed to be one of the organization's "soldiers."
Dear Law Enforcement:
More like this, please.


Frankie Machine

Damn straight.

Fourth from the bottom.