Saturday, September 30, 2006

"Stop putting up with it."

An eloquent statement of defiance. Bravo, young sir.

Awesome editorial

Another dispatch from the front lines against the elderly menace.
Old people will read this and say that I am disrespectful of the retired. The answer is that I am not disrespectful but have a different view on this whole retirement thing. Consider this; the social security that you are collecting is paid for by me and the rest of us generation x’ers that will never see a dime of it. Enjoy. That and all the free drugs that the President wants to dole out.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

God keeps sending me signs

I gotta get the hell outta here...
The Twin Cities will host the Republican National Convention in 2008, a state Republican source said this afternoon.
Great. Even more pigfu**ers and meth addicts running around.

Really angry tonight.

Deluge of elderly to swamp U.S. communities.
Many expect to retire and get old in the communities where they live now, the report found. They will need special services ranging from senior centers to better public safety, Markwood said.

"To respond to the rapid rise in their aging population, communities will need to provide larger street signage, accessible housing, age appropriate fitness programs, as well as lifelong learning and job re-training opportunities."

Gimmee gimmee gimmee with these old people. Christ. They fuck up the world to the point where we actually have to have a debate over whether torture is permissible, then they say "Give me an age appropriate fitness program." The problem with the elderly is that they refuse to live in the world they've created for the rest of us. The Draft Board is going to be looking for my 30-something carcass to ship off to Iran or wherever freedom is not on the march, but the old folks will have their damn job re-training opportunities. Thanks, seniors. I'm going to have to drink a lot of Old Style to piss on all your graves.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

A friendly reminder to the elderly

Barnes & Noble does not sell cell phones.

But while you're here, they do have an extensive section on Death and Dying.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Tomorrow is Tuesday.

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day
Jeff MacNelly, who created this strip, won the Pulitzer for editorial cartooning when he was 24. Shame that his legacy is a crap comic written by someone else. For the record, I loved his stuff like his cartoons and his drawings for Dave Barry columns.

A classic moment in University of Chicago P.R.

New Hampshire gets it right when it comes to elderly drivers.
New Hampshire's motor vehicles director wants elderly drivers to be tested more often.

Virginia Beecher said she supports shortening the license renewal time as drivers age. She said older drivers would have to take vision and road tests more frequently to make sure they still can drive safely.
Beecher's comments come after an 81-year-old driver hit a young boy in Manchester and dragged him half a block before stopping.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Never forget

That once I trod these shores
and thought myself rightfully a victor.

In more humorous news, with the Minnesota Twins entertaining thoughts of a World Series, my own thoughts drift to another Midwestern city with a third-world murder rate, an evacuating auto industry, segregated surbubs, and a baseball team headed to the playoffs.

The year was 1984, and the city was Detroit.

Lovely. All these years I thought I was getting somewhere. Turns out I just ended up in another Detroit.

Hear that, Minneapolitans? You're Detroit now.

Amway Nation part 23

Two more reasons Dick Devos should not be Governor:
1: DeVos believes intelligent design is a valid scientific theory and that public school districts should have the option to teach it alongside evolution in science classes.

Actual quote:

"I would like to see the ideas of intelligent design that many scientists are now suggesting is a very viable alternative theory," he said. "That theory and others that would be considered credible would expose our students to more ideas, not less."

2: "We've got a lot of work to be done to assure that respect we feel for our seniors, our elders, is executed honorably at all levels," DeVos said.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

A Smoke Detector?

Another elderly person doing something repugnant.
Police in Chattanooga have charged a 69-year-old landlord with spying on a 20-year-old female renter.

Officers arrested Leasie Eugene Roberts after finding a video camera in a light fixture in one of his rental properties.

The renter told police she became suspicious Monday when she found what appeared to be a camera tucked between two stuffed animals on her night stand. She says Roberts told her it was part of a smoke detector.

And how about this?

The Materialism Challenge

In a recent discussion with The Czar, we finally decided who is to blame for our nation's screwed up priorities. You hear a lot about it: How many schools could be built with the money used to wage war in Iraq for a day; How many meals for how many poor children could be purchased with what it cost to rebuild the Superdome.
Yeah, we thought, we really suck if war and football is what we, as a nation, are spending our money on.
But it's too easy to blame the government for this. And you know what? You elected those assclowns. Yes, you! You need to take responsibility for what your representatives do. But raising the voter participation rate is not why I write this.
I write because instead of bitching, the Czar and I have decided to turn the problem on its head. You are the problem here. Every frivolous purchase of meaningless shit that you buy should be another reminder that it's YOUR screwed up priorities that need fixing.
So how's this?

This is a Customizable Minnesota Vikings football jersey. It costs $314.99. The capacity of the Vikings' stadium is 64,035. If that many Vikings fans simply did not buy their precious Vikings jersey, and used that money for something IMPORTANT, like textbooks for their local elemetary schools, or health care for poor people, there would be $20,170,385 that wouldn't have to be worried about come tax time.
$20 milion can go pretty damn far, compared to what usually gets spent on health care for poor people. So, Vikings fans, stop being so damn selfish. Or don't you want poor people to be healthy?
Do you want to complain about the lack of policemen on the beat? Sick of living in a city with a murder rate twice that of New York? May I direct you to aisle four...

This is a Minnesota Twins hat. It costs $19.99. Assuming that one in five people in the Twin Cities areas is a Twins fan (a conservative estimate, mind you) who would want to buy this hat, that's 593,800 people who should go to their police department and plunk down a $20 bill their damn selves and shut the hell up. The resulting total of more than $11 million could put a few more squad cars on the streets.

Twins fans, which would you rather have? A baseball hat, or a low murder rate?

Basically, you need to shut up and stop living in some John Lennon Imaginary world where the Air Force has to have a bake sale, and start changing priorities one person at a time. Look in the mirror the next time you wonder what's wrong with the world. It's you, buddy. It's all you. And you could stand to lose some weight.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

I need to get biz-zay

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day? Mary Worth. Over at the Comics Curmudgeon, they've been analyzing and dissecting this stalker storyline for a while. I haven't commented on it over here because I believe in not ripping off other people's ideas. But today's denouement needs to be shown:

So. Not. Funny.

Captain Kangaroo re-enacting a scene from "Leaving Las Vegas" has no place in my comics pages.

Unfunny U of C alum of the Day
In fact, the first six months at the University of Chicago were dreadful.

Like many students who were living away from home for the first time, I had the normal homesick feelings, but my anxiety was compounded by my urban - and some might even say my "ghetto" - accent and syntax. Despite the advent and explosion of rap music, which made it popular for all students - even the most privileged - to use urban slang and hip language, University of Chicago students were still expected to use the King's English. Anything short of that was completely unacceptable and painted you as vulgar.

Given this backdrop, during one of my first encounters at the University, I learned that I did not fit the profile. I can vividly remember meeting Angela, a very well spoken upper classman from upstate New York. After having a rather casual conversation with her, she told me that I had the worst diction she had ever heard. She went so far as to question how I had even been accepted by the university. I was devastated. I panicked and immediately decided to stop talking - except in those cases where it was absolutely necessary. In essence, I became selectively mute.

Angela, if you're reading this, you're an asshole.

Funny Elderly Story
Police said Heiss twice asked the elderly man to buy him liquor, and both times the man refused.

Ottawa Police Capt. Mike Kessinger said the elderly man rode his bike to the store, and upon his arrival, Heiss, who was in the parking lot, asked him to purchase wine. The man refused and went to buy a soft drink from a soda machine outside the store.

At that time, Heiss allegedly approached the man again, this time offering him money. When the man refused again, Heiss allegedly began punching the man in the face numerous times.

Powers of persuasion failing you? Punch 'em in the face!

Monday, September 18, 2006

Why haven't I thought of this sooner?

Batshit crazy old person of the day.

To all those of other faiths who have been offended by what this codger says, I can only give you advice based on my 13 years of Catholic school:
Ignore what the Pope, any Pope, says. Most Catholics do. The sooner you come to grips with the fact that he's just this side of senile, the better off you will be. I came to this conclusion when I was 12 years old.

He's not trying to start a crusade or attack Muhammad (Peace Be Upon Him). He's just a guy who has spent his entire life surrounded by Catholics, doing nothing but going to Church every day, and people keep putting a microphone in front of him. It's almost not his fault. He gets so swept up in the moment and doesn't understand that the world has changed. We didn't get to pick him, or have any say in his decisions or what he says. The best we can hope for is that he might fall asleep during Easter service or something.

Soon. Very soon.

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day.

The University of Chicago student newspaper has ripped off this blog.
The MAROON presents the “B-List” of famous alumni that supply the University of Chicago with exclusive bragging rights
I was doing this from way back, my friends. Frankie Machine. Often imitated.

The elderly rampage must stop.
Troopers say the suspect hit a male pedestrian around 5 a.m. Friday at Courtenay Parkway and Crisafulli Road in Merritt Island. The victim's body was discovered two hours later.

Troopers arrested the 91-year-old after he hit another vehicle three miles south of the first wreck.

And finally...
If only because he agrees with me that Dick Devos is a cretin, I link to Timbercake's blog. Timbercake, I don't know who you are, but because you hate Amway, that makes you a good person.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

More happy thoughts

We're Number 1!

Memo to the University of Chicago Alumni Association:
Fuckin' act like it now and then.


Frankie Machine

Amway Nation part 22

Dick Devos is a con-man. There. I said it.

DeVos says criticism of Amway equals criticism of nearly 4,000 workers at one of West Michigan's largest employers, whose philanthropic efforts have helped revitalize Grand Rapids.

"It's a terrible message for a sitting governor to go after a major, major manufacturer, a major made-in-Michigan exporter and major employer," DeVos said. "It sends one more terrible signal" that Michigan is hostile to business.

I vomit every time a billionaire complains that someone is "going after" him.

WARNING: Pat Boone's voice has been known to cause loss of faith in God.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

OldPerson's 11

The elderly are now trying to rip off casinos.
According to police, casino employee Ada Velez was selling stolen free play vouchers at a discounted price to Harry and Reinelda Badassare, an elderly couple of players at the casino. Police say the surveillance video caught the trio making the transactions outside the casino.

According to the story, they scored almost $900,000 doing this. Not too shabby for a criminal enterprise. The best part of the story?

An upset Baldassarre told us he didn’t know what had happened and none of this makes sense.

“I don’t know,” said Harry Baldassarre. “I don’t know what the [expletive] is going on, I just got out of jail.

Friday, September 15, 2006


My brothers and sisters of the road have their own website.

Support Our Troops

Who didn't see this coming?
Air Force chief: Test weapons on testy U.S. mobs

So, if they're testing their weapons on me, would Lee Greenwood be pissed if I didn't support our troops?

33% of this country sees nothing wrong with this proposition. You see, the logic goes, if the military tests its weapon on you, it's actually making sure the weapon is the best it can be, so that it can better defeat the enemy. By being attacked, you are actually making yourself safer.


Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Back to Normal

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day. Again, it's BC. I think The Comics Curmudgeon does a far far better job of keeping track of such comic backwash than I ever could. Johnny Hart has gone off the deep end. I expect word of his "suicide by cop" any day now.

This elderly person ran over somebody and then shot him, and then tried to say the poor kid tried to rob him.
You got a problem, Gramps. It's called "eyewitness testimony."
Sims said the young man was on his bike when Mason hit him with his car, jumped out shouting, "lay down" and fired a silver gun.

The University of Chicago: What Eastern Michigan University should aspire to.
I am reminded of another faculty member who said that we were being beaten by the University of Phoenix. When the University of Phoenix becomes our model, we are already beaten. We are better than that—at least right now. Why not choose the University of Chicago? Or City College? When EMU was State Normal College, it was proud of its standards. But the administration does not know what to be proud of. It has lost its way.
My days in Hyde Park were spent wishing the U of C was more like Ypsilanti.
I close this post with a shout out to my Ypsitucky Krew.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Scott Free.

Another murderous old person escapes justice.
A Thurston County Superior Court judge ordered that Eric Attwood, 83, could return home for the first time since his arrest for stabbing his wife in the neck as she slept on the morning of Oct. 3.

Bill Clinton is almost on The List

Screw you, too, Bubba.
President Bill Clinton invited a group of progressive, Democrat bloggers in for a 2 hour roundtable meeting at his Harlem office.
Conspicuously absent was ol' Frankie Machine.
I helped my man get elected, and now he pretends the elderly-bashing bloc doesn't exist. You gotta dance with them what brung ya, Bubba. Look me up when you're in town.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Give me a day.

Five years ago today, I was calling and emailing everybody I knew in New York and DC. I got in touch with all of them.
Because of that, I don't feel I should write anything about today.

See you tomorrow.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Some Sundays...

while all I can do is wait for Monday's crap to hit me, I remember Chicago.

It seems to help.

Nerds on Display

Actual footage of a parade of DragonCon attendees in, of all places, Atlanta.

For a subculture that prides itself on its quirky individualism, its members sure seem to pick the exact same things to wear.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Think this story has a point?

Think again. Old people like this really take away the romanticism of being deranged.
I remember in my younger days, I'd dream of the day I could just babble on in angry, non-linear, Joycean thought. I thought that would be "cool." Well, I grew up, and I learned one thing: it's not "cool."

New equipment

So, ol' Frankie Machine has a new computer, for various reasons, most importantly this blog.

So, expect more posts, as this hot rod smokes.

Friday, September 08, 2006

The week is officially over.

Much as I dislike Madonna, I can understand her predicament of being harassed by an old Dutch person. Being from Michigan, she is probably used to such things, though.

Much thanks to the Czar.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Let's try this again.

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day
Haha! Tennis!

The elderly's stories are fit only for comic books. Too bad it's all true.
A troubled teen gets more than bargained for when sent to his aunt and uncle's farm for the summer. FAMILY BONES is based on the TRUE STORY of the oldest married couple on Missouri's death row, as experienced one summer by their unwitting nephew.

In FAMILY BONES, rebellious teen Sean is shuttled from one family member to the next, finally landing at the farm owned by his elderly Aunt and Uncle. There, the city boy must quickly adapt to the rigors of farm life. Sean must also adjust to the emotional and physical abuse that Uncle Ray visits upon his wife and nephew.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Amway Nation, part 21

The fix may be in.
Republican gubernatorial candidate Dick DeVos on Monday chose a former lawmaker from Oakland County to be his running mate, adding a woman to his ticket who could attract votes in the state's second-most populous county.

Ruth Johnson, 51, is a former GOP state lawmaker from Holly who served in the House of Representatives from 1999 through 2004, when she was elected Oakland County clerk.

What does the County Clerk do?
Counts the votes.
Anybody else concerned?

Enough of the frowning!

Let's make fun of NERDS!
Another Nerdherding took place recently, called "GenCon." And this is what they wore.

They make fun of Italian-Americans...

and parade around as though it's a minstrel show in 1920.

Maybe if these nerds weren't so full of ethnic prejudice, they'd be more popular.

Happy Labor Day!

This is a map showing the change in median wages, by state, over the past 6 years. Via Washington Monthly.
I'm trying to keep this blog on the path of bad-comics-bashing and elderly-menace-exposing, but stuff like this keeps popping up and becoming more relevant to life. All I'm saying is this:
If you voted for George Bush in 2000 or 2004 based on your liking of Republican economic policy,
this is what you got.
If you vote for Republican candidates this November, this is what you are voting for. You think falling incomes across almost all states is great.

My mistake

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Told you

David Brooks can shove it.
For men with college degrees, they're now earning 12.8 percent more than they did in 1973 while women with college degrees are taking home 26 percent more pay.

Since 2001, however, the median wage for both genders with college educations remained essentially flat.

And among young college graduates, their entry-level wages have fallen since 2000 -- 79 cents per hour for men and 33 cents per hour for women.

A couple of thoughts here.
1) Is that 12.8% in actual, non-adjusted wages, or real wages? Because if the average college educated male is only making 12.8% more in actual dollars than he was 33 years ago, that's horrendous, but believable.
2) Though, if that 12.8% is in real dollars, that's still sad, given that

Between 1995 and 2005, productivity -- a measure of the quantity and quality of what workers produce per hour -- grew 33.4 percent.

3) has the cost of a college education likewise risen only 12.8% since 1973? I don't think it has.

Off the Hook

Garrison Keillor is forgiven.
Being a fair man, I will exclude certain old people from my enemies' list if they admit that I am right. Extra points to them if they are eloquent about it.
Today, Garrison Keillor gets the extra points.
I keep running into retirees in their mid-fifties, free to collect seashells and write bad poetry and shoot video of the Grand Canyon, and goody for them, but they're not the future. My college kids are graduating with a 20-pound ball of debt chained to their ankles. That's not right and you know it.

This country is squashing its young. We're sending them to die in a war we don't believe in anymore. We're cheating them so we can offer tax relief to the rich. And we're stealing from them so that old gaffers like me, who want to live forever, can go in for an MRI if we have a headache.

All he has to do now to get the Frankie Machine Medal of Honor is write a column or two about the Twin Cities' homicide and meth addiction rates.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Go Maroons

Ponderous Saturday

In those television commercials for Febreze, where the woman follows the family dog around spraying everything it romps on, such as the couch,
the dog bed,
the carpet,
the bedroom...

why doesn't she just Febreze the dog?

Hose the little guy down with Febreze, problem solved.