Friday, March 30, 2007

Letter to the Editor


Advice to U's Smith

I certainly hope Tubby Smith is well grounded in who he is! Everybody is so welcoming now and believing he is the messiah who will save the Gophers. About this time some 2,000 years ago, there was another who went into the city of Jerusalem with throngs exclaiming, "Hail, blessed," but within a week these same people were crying, "Crucify him!"

My advice to Smith is to be true to yourself, and live and work with integrity.


Update: Adding, I could have made a joke about this, but I didn't.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Hope all is well

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day
It hasn't even begun and it already wins the award.

Exactly what kind of standards does this school have?
Kyle Sampson: University of Chicago.
The 37-year-old Utah native sped down the path to power at warp speed, leveraging well-placed connections that he'd acquired at Brigham Young University, the University of Chicago law school and through The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

How appropriate

Just what Minnesota needs,
another person named "Tubby."

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Warning to Rock'n'Rollers

The elderly hate you, and will shoot you.
Even the police were surprised to find out that the fight between the two neighbors got so out of hand. Investigators say an 81-year-old man shot his neighbor in the chest because his music was too loud.

Police say there had been an ongoing problem throughout the night, and the elderly gentleman apparently had enough and grabbed his handgun and went to confront the man who is in his 30s.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Minnesota Perceptions

Somebody conducted a survey.
Karyn Gruenberg, Meet Minneapolis's vice president of marketing, said the perceptions from "out-of-towners" were skewed.

"People think there's nothing to do in Minneapolis-St. Paul," she said. "They think it's fly-over land."

I'd like to think I have something to do with that.

Kathy Tunheim, board member at Meet Minneapolis and CEO of Tunheim Partners, Inc., knows this challenge is a tough one.

"We want to improve retention," she said. "It's hard to recruit people to come here because if they know anything about here, their perceptions are probably wrong."

The project is in the first stage of informing residents about common views of the cities.

Let me inform the residents of common views of their cities:

1. Your economy is so far down the crapper plumbers aren't returning your calls.
2. Your residents are a bunch of passive-aggressive meth-addicted dicks. Who have sex with dead animals.
3. "What a craphole!" should be printed on T-shirts and sold at an MSP kiosk. Might provide a few jobs.

As a bonus, I hope "out-of-towners" know that even two-year old children shoot people here.

Note: to access the story about Minnesotans having sex with animals, and two-year old shooters, just do the seven-day pass thing when the link comes up. Give a fake birthyear and zip code, etc.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

You read it right.

The elderly call themselves "old bat."
I was a citizen before, but "citizen" didn't become part of my description until I reached old age. Actually, I don't see anything wrong with "old." Old friends, old wine, old books -- these are warm, pleasant concepts. I'm an old lady. Or old bat, if you prefer.
Oh, I prefer.

To get back to my Unfunny Comic Strip shtick, I once again target Crankshaft. Not a big fan, because I think old people have nothing to contribute to the comics page. It's almost depressing, reading the comics page before you go to work, and being confronted with your own mortality like that. But, I do think comic strips should have consistent logic.
For example, Sally in Peanuts never called Shroeder "Sweet Babboo." And Charlie Brown never did kick the football.
Crankshaft, however, is all over the road, like, well, an old person driving a bus.
Apparently, Crankshaft does not like to fall behind schedule by waiting for kids running late. According to this comic:

But then, in today's comic, you get this:

What the hell is he rushing for, if the kids are always late?
This makes no sense. I hate Crankshaft. If I were a school superintendent, I'd be inventing budget cuts just to call him in and serve him his walking papers.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Aw, hell

Let's start the week with a laugh at the expense of nerds:

Courtesy of Gaming Report.

End of the weekend

beginning of crap. Again.

But bitching about the Monday tide of inanity is not why I am here this evening.

I am here to pledge solidarity with the Twin Cities' Muslim community.
(I am not going to link to any stories refererred to herein. I assume you are smart enough to find the stories on your own. I assume this because most of you are not Minnesotans.)
There has been an outcry among the Minneapolis white people community over reports that Muslim clerks at grocery stores will not scan pork products because to do so would violate their religious prohibition over touching pork. In such cases, the Muslim clerk will have either the customer or another clerk scan the pork product.
The white people community apparently resents accommodating others' religious beliefs, as such accommodation would result in them waiting in a checkout line for a couple minutes longer. Heaven forfend they should be late getting back to their SUVs to drive like maniacs back to their meth-infested hovels. White people have been writing letters to the editor and calling in to the talk shows about how
"this is America, and these people have to assimilate"
"if you have a problem with part of a job, don't take that job."

White people in Minnesota are really fu**in' eloquent.

I pledge solidarity with the Muslim community here because you are finally confronting these damn hicks with having to accomodate someone else's religion.
The white people who complain about Muslim clerks now know how I feel when I try to buy beer at a grocery store, or buy beer on Sunday. I have to accomodate their uptight Protestantism. I can't buy wine in a grocery store because these fascists couldn't assimilate to America, a country founded in pubs and rye fields. If I need to celebrate good news on a Sunday, I can't run out to get a bottle of Champagne, because the Minnesota Taliban thinks I should be in church.

So, Twin Cities' Muslims, you have Frankie Machine on your side. If any of these Minnesota rednecks gives you any crap over sticking to your beliefs, you send 'em to me.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

Frankie will be back tomorrow.

With a splittin' headache.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Minneapolis Crime, too.

The Minneapolis Police Force is headed by a violent, racist thug.
"This is consistent with the ignorance and arrogance of his life on the street," says Ron Edwards, a longtime MPD observer and chair of the city's Police Community Relations Council. "Robert Kroll's nightstick and boots have come into contact with many persons of color in this town."

Maybe if this guy stopped thinking Keith Ellison was a terrorist long enough, he could do something about the fact that people keep getting killed on Minneapolis buses. Yeah, it happened again.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

High Weirdness

From the movie Jesus Camp.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Minneapolis Crime

Apparently, buses are now free-fire zones.
Way to go, Twin Cities.

One witness said the bus was already stopped at the intersection to pick up passengers. The witness, who asked not to be identified, said the shooting started as soon as the doors closed and the driver opened them again.

Bus 872 continued one block down Emerson to Broadway. At that point, the shooting victim was removed and ambulanced to North Memorial Hospital.

Police reports identify him as 34-year-old Cleveland Montgomery. Police records indicate he lives on Cedar Lake Road in North Minneapolis, but current residents say Montgomery has not lived there for several months. In fact, they say Montgomery was wounded in aseparate shooting incident at the Cedar Lake Road house about three months ago.

In that incident, they say he was not seriously hurt. His wounds in Thursday's shooting are more life-threatening. Montgomery remained in critical condition Friday afternoon.

But, I guess extra police officers take a back seat to a goddamn baseball stadium.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

All There Is To Know

Mr. and Mrs. Machine went up to a friend's Northern Minnesota lakehouse this past weekend.
Mrs. Machine drilled a hole in the ice for icefishing.
I drank a beer in the middle of the lake.
Mrs. Machine used snowshoes.

We have done everything there is to do in Minnesota.

Time to go.

Chicago readers, take note: The Machines will be doing a homecoming visit to Chicago at the end of May. Ready his abandoned throne, for the king is about to return from exile.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Another World War II veteran who the media fauns over.

This time, it's Captain America.
Captain America was created in 1941 to embody patriotic feeling during the Second World War. His alter ego is Steve Rogers, born on the U.S. Independence Day holiday, July 4, 1917.

And, over the years, an estimated 210 million copies of Captain America comic books have been sold in 75 countries.

His demise is a blow to one of the men who created him.

Ninety-three-year-old Joe Simon says: "We really need him now."

I guess when you're 93, you start grasping at straws. Even comic book straws.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Back to the Grindstone

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

Elderly Car Attacks Galore!
Go there now now now!
Check out the photo gallery they have up:

Images: Elderly Woman Drives Into Her Pool
Images: Elderly Driver Plows Into Neighbor's House
Images: Elderly Driver Plows Into La Jolla Home
Images: Santa Monica Farmers' Market Accident
Images: Elderly Driver Crashes Into Hotel
Images: Elderly Driver Plows Into Gas Station
Images: Elderly Driver Plows Into Store
Images: Elderly Woman Drives Car Into House

This proves everything I have been saying about the Elderly Menace.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Old People Love Them Some Wii

I think Excite Truck is the sort of driving they should be limited to.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Another reason

to revoke the licenses of the elderly.
They drive with no clothes on.
An 89-year-old man is charged with public indecency after police said he was driving completely nude.
Police said this was the third time John Welday was caught driving around naked.

Check out the story and its accompanying "Slideshow"...
if you like the taste of vomit.

What really worries me is the resemblance this guy, John Welday,

bears to TV's Naked Trucker.