Monday, September 24, 2007


If the writers of the Simpsons have now been placed in charge of reality, somebody forgot to tell me.

MAHOPAC, N.Y -- It was just another morning at the senior center: Women were sewing, men were playing pool and seven demonstrators, average age 76, were picketing outside, demanding doughnuts.

They wore sandwich boards proclaiming, "Give Us Our Just Desserts" and "They're Carbs, Not Contraband."

At issue is a decision to refuse free doughnuts, pies and bread that were being donated to senior centers around Putnam County, north of New York City. Officials were concerned that the county was setting a bad nutritional precedent by providing mounds of doughnuts and other sweets to seniors.

The picketers said they were objecting not to a lack of sweets but that they weren't consulted about the ban.

"Lack of respect is what it's all about," said Joe Hajkowski, 75, a former labor union official who organized the demonstration. He said officials had implied that seniors were gorging themselves on jelly doughnuts and were too senile to make the choice for themselves.

"I'm 86, not 8," added C. Michael Sibilia.

So much over which to laugh myself silly. I love this story for all the wrong reasons.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

I am not alone.

A lot of other people agreed with me about Minnesota Monthly's schlock.

A Cool Response
Editor’s Note: Our September issue, “The Cool Issue,” earned us a cold shoulder from more than one subscriber.

Cool? I think the word you’re groping for is “shallow.” I keep hoping for Minnesota Monthly to reflect the intelligence of its parent company, Minnesota Public Radio, but you seem to be in a race with Mpls.St.Paul magazine to see which can produce the least amount of content per column inch. Rather than reporting on a community, you’re marketing a lifestyle, and I don’t want you on my coffee table anymore.
Dan Sullivan

Brian Johnson’s cover on the September issue is awesome. Things quickly descended from that high point. Tim Gihring’s article (“The State of Cool”) made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

The people bit? Nice and all, but a whole twelfth of these “faces of cool” is black. No other ethnicities are represented. Great—we’re cool if we’re white. Where’s that pride in immigration again? The people of my generation (X, but surely you guessed that) and younger score if we’re well-to-do, it seems. Or clean. Clean is cool. Rich is cool. Boomers are automatically cool.

The Matrix of Cool: shockingly accurate, drearily bourgeois. Again, so bad. Downtown St. Paul: nope. University Avenue at Frogtown: uh uh. North Minneapolis: not on the list. Rural Minnesota: not a chance.
Jon S. Olsen

And when a semi-coherent guy named Olsen has a problem with you glorifying Minneapolis, you know you've screwed up.

A rational response

What better place than a bingo game to try to subdue the elderly menace?
BOSTON -- There was no bingo at an elderly complex in Jamaica Plain after someone dispersed pepper sprays.

Residents of Woodbourne Apartments called 911 when people began to feel ill during bingo night.

It's been my experience that when someone gets pepper-sprayed, they've usually done something to deserve it. An unruly mob, those seniors.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Fred Thompson: Fake

Hizzoner speaks truth.
"The sad comment is when you see some of the candidates going into a gun show and they think that's machoism. Someone walks into a gun show and says, 'Oh boy. I'm here watching people buy all types of guns and see all types of guns and ammunition,' " Daley said.
"The first thing you think is, 'How about a police officer just driving through a community. Why don't you go visit them and talk to them about gun violence. Why don't you talk to some families of gun violence [victims].' It's like machoism: 'I'm gonna go to a gun show, walk around and show you how macho I am.' That's not machoism. That's strictly a political stunt."

Daley never mentioned Thompson by name. But when pressed to identify whom he was talking about, the mayor said, "The newly arrived candidate on the Republican side."

Fred Thompson, old person, is an actor. Nothing more.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Saturday Morning Coming Down

A quick observation.
I may be wrong about this, but I saw an Olive Garden ad for unlimited salad and bread sticks.
At the bottom of the screen, there was a note that said:
"Offer not valid in MN."

I wonder how many Olive Gardens in Minnesota went bankrupt before they figured that one out.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Fred Thompson

I'll admit it. I was thinking of taking a break from this blog to attend to East Coast business.
I've decided not to. Here's why:
This old person

is running for President.
Two things factored into my decision to keep blogging in the face of threats of being sat on by the Minnesota Anti-Defamation League.
1. An old person running for president is just too rich a vein of comedy gold to pass up.
2. I will not let the Elderly Menace seize the reins of this country without a fight.
That old man's gonna wake up one day, forget to take his pills, and detonate a bomb over Chicago. You think I'm kidding? Would you let your grandfather have access to any type of explosive? Yes, yes. I know. There's some rumor that my grandfather was the guy who threw the bomb at the Haymarket Riot, but that's never been proven. The point still stands: old people like Fred Thompson are for entertainment purposes only.
Earlier, I proposed the Democrats run B.B. King. I have changed my stance on that issue. Now, I believe there is only actor from the Law and Order franchise that deserves our country's adulation. That actor?
Richard Belzer.

Here are some inspiring words from my actor candidate of choice:
You remember France, it's the country that financed the American Revolution...OK, it was in their self-interest, but still, they made it happen. Let's face it: without the French there would be no other words, without them, there is no us. Sorry, but c'est la vie...

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

"Little Jerk."

The elderly will send you to die.
CONCORD, N.H. - An unflinching John McCain was told Tuesday by New Hampshire high school students he might be too old to be president and too conservative to be respected.

McCain, the Arizona senator whose presidential bid has stumbled through the summer, countered the Concord High School students with humor.

"Thanks for the question, you little jerk," McCain joked back to one student who asked the 71-year-old about his age. "You're drafted."

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Aw, heck.

You know I couldn't forget all of ya. I am still ducking the Minnesota Anti-Defamation League agents. Fortunately, they are easy to outrun and easily distracted off my trail by sticks of butter.

Here's some fun. Enjoy your Labor Day, and thank all the blue collar folks who stared down union-busting goons so that you could have the day off.

First, here is a picture from the weekend trip Mr. and Mrs. Machine took:

That's Maine, brother.

Second, here is more batshit crazy Andy Rooney footage: