Sunday, May 27, 2007


While Frankie enjoys his foray into the cool north, I am curently stuck in the hot, sweaty south. I heard this the other day from a man seated behind me at the Jamestown anniversary celebration:

"Robert E. Lee was a gentleman. Ulysses S. Grant was just an alcoholic." I kid you not. Enough said. I would have booed the president when he took the stage, but it was very clear that the 28% of Americans who still approve of him all live in Virginia. I was definitely outnumbered. I am just waiting to be hunted down in the backwoods by Civil War reenactors and southern colonels. Happy Memorial Day, freedom lovers.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Homeward Bound

If the flophouse I'm staying in has free internet(s), I'll post some pictures from the old neighborhood.

See you soon.

B-licious, feel free to grab the podium.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Who Would Jesus Bomb?

I'm not surprised to see Tubbo Falwell inspired murderous fanaticism in his followers.
And Campbell County authorities arrested a Liberty University student for having several homemade bombs in his car.

The student, 19-year-old Mark D. Uhl of Amissville, Va., reportedly told authorities that he was making the bombs to stop protesters from disrupting the funeral service. The devices were made of a combination of gasoline and detergent, a law enforcement official told ABC News' Pierre Thomas. They were "slow burn," according to the official, and would not have been very destructive.

I cannot do better at commenting on this than the folks over at Americablog.

So this kid makes some bombes he intends to use against a specific group he disagrees with and plans to use them... that would make him a terrorist---yet he's not in Gitmo already?

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Packing Up

So, again, I'll be as AWOL as a certain pResident.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Elderly Fisticuffs

The elderly punch police officers in the face. Repeatedly:
Officer William Perazzo, 38, who is assigned to the Brooklyn South canine unit, said he was walking with his mom and dad when a van driven by George Karavitis, 63, of Staten Island, mounted the curb.
He said Karavitis got out and for some reason began hitting him, even though he identified himself as a cop.
"I don't give a f- - - who you are," the older man said, continuing to punch, the sources said.

This story brought to you courtesy of fellow hoodlum New Yark Mark*, who just wrapped up some book larnin' and is pounding the Scotch.**

* Not his real name or nickname. I just made that up.
** The drink. New Yark Mark is not going around beating up dudes in kilts.

Monday, May 14, 2007

The Zimmers

Note to the police:
Should you ever need to extract a confession from me, this'lll do the trick.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Wilco Setlist

Sky Blue Sky
Muzzle of Bees
What Light
When the Roses Bloom Again
Hesitating Beauty
That's Alright Mama

Oh, what a show. Too bad that Poindexter Garrison Keillor had to keep yapping on and on about the differences between Minneapolis and Saint Paul.

Summer Offensive

Summer is in full swing.
You can tell by the increased attacks by the elderly menace.

Authoritoes are investigating what caused a an elderly driver to plow her car through a supermarket patio, injuring four people, including a 3-year-old girl.

I know what caused it:
Rage and cheap, easily obtainable prescription medication.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Senior Prom

Why do old people want to relive high school?
Frank, 69, and Marjorie, 66, were among several people attending a special prom for the community sponsored by the Weimar FFA and held at the Weimar VFW Hall. The event was the brainchild of Erynne Treptow, 17, the vice president of the Weimar FFA chapter.

"We had our own junior-senior prom, and after it was over I thought about having something for the older residents of the community," she said. "We used the same theme, 'Starlight Paradise.' We already had the decorations, so I brought it up at a chapter meeting and put out a sign-up sheet."

Treptow said that as a member of the FFA, she's been involved in a number of community service projects but most of community events were for young people.

"We do things like coats for kids and adopt-a-kid for Christmas," she said. "But we've never done something big for the older residents. We go to some of the nursing and retirement homes and dance and visit with the residents, but we've never done something on a communitywide basis. We called it a prom for senior citizens, but it was actually open to everyone."

Really. One of the most boring stories of the week. It keeps going:

The playlist for the dance included country tunes, a few polkas and the occasional early rock-and-roll. FFA Chapter President Cole Ulrich, 17, said it was a little different than what he'd danced to at the high school prom.

"It's a little different," he said. "A little less rap and hip-hop and more country. We wanted music the people could relate to."

Another of the FFA volunteers was Clint Anders, 16. He said the idea of Sunday's prom was one that appealed to him right away.

"A lot of people see FFA as being raising animals," he said. "But a big part of it is community service. When I heard about the idea, I thought about the fact we still had all the decorations from our own prom and thought it was a great idea."

My guess is Clint Anders gets beat up a lot for being such a feeb. But that's not the point here. God help me, I will not be wishing to relive high school when I get up in years. And if some do-gooder honor student wheels me to one of these things against my will, you can be damn sure I will demand the DJ play "Straight Outta Compton." I will also spike the punch. Then I will go start a fight with the principal. Clint Anders is gonna wish he'd never met Frankie Machine.

One more thing: Welcome Grace Nearing of The "Next Blog" Blog to the blogroll.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Say it Ain't So!

I am going to see Wilco
at the State Theater...
in Minneapolis...
on A Prairie Home Companion.

Which T-shirt do I wear?
The Chicago Bears shirt I got at O'Hare
"Screw You, Lutherans!"

I intend to show up as I do at all Wilco concerts...half drunk.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Keep sounding the alarm!

Now the elderly are attacking liquor stores.
Police said an 89-year-old woman was behind the wheel of the car when she hit the gas pedal instead of the brake.

The car plowed through a concrete pillar and then through the glass window, police said.

Delis, liquor stores. The elderly are attacking my way of life.


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Thursday, May 03, 2007

Elderly Attack!

Been a while since I sounded the alarm.
I would like to point out that the car

is remarkably similar to "Ginger," a Cadillac that the Czar and I used to raise hell in, back in the day (y'all). It rips my heart out to see such a fine piece of automobile being used to destroy a New York deli.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

May 1.

I think what gets lost in all the media discussion of George Bush's "Mission Accomplished" nonsense, and his declaring of May 1 as Loyalty day, is one simple fact:

Today is my birthday.

Why must the MSM have such a clear anti-Frankie Machine bias?

Yes, four years ago, W played fighter pilot on the deck of an aircraft carrier, but 32 years ago I WAS BORN. Come on, you MSM-ers. Let the scales fall from your eyes. How about giving some time to the silent America that only wants to commemorate the birth of me?