Monday, October 29, 2007

Studs Terkel

I, Frankie Machine, am still in awe of Chicago's Best Writer.

I have observed and written about American life for some time. In truth, nothing much surprises me anymore. But I always feel uplifted by this: Given the facts and an opportunity to act, the body politic generally does the right thing. By revealing the truth in a public forum, the American people will have the facts to play their historic, heroic role in putting our nation back on the path toward freedom. That is why we deserve our day in court.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Religion Freaks Can't Laugh

Dear Chuck Norris,
You made a career out of your ability to spinkick somebody to death. Don't talk to me about The Lord.


Frankie Machine

Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: "Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Ever."

There was a man whose tears could cure cancer or any other disease, including the real cause of all diseases – sin. His blood did. His name was Jesus, not Chuck Norris.

If your soul needs healing, the prescription you need is not Chuck Norris' tears, it's Jesus' blood.

Again, I'm flattered and amazed by the way I've become a fascinating public figure for a whole new generation of young people around the world. But I am not the characters I play. And even the toughest characters I have played could never measure up to the real power in this universe.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Tired Old Man Fred Thompson

The bloom is off the rose.
The old, thorny rose that is Fred Thompson.

Thompson’s presumptive candidacy was such a joke, after all, way back before he entered the race. There was excitement and enthusiasm — among desperate Republicans, to be specific — but not for Thompson the man, the former lawyer and politician, but Thompson the actor, specifically for the Thompson characters on TV and in the movies. An admiral, a DA, a wise and authoritative tough guy, the same character over and over again — it was that character Republicans wanted to run, not the real-life Fred Thompson with the political past.

But what Republicans have now is the real-life Fred Thompson, and, whatever the poll numbers, he’s just not to their liking, not living up to expectations, because the expectations were unreal, because the characters are unreal, because “Fred Thompson,” as opposed to Fred Thompson, is a fiction. That fiction has fallen from grace, and the man along with it, the man wrapped up in the fiction, the man mistaken for the fiction.

In short:
Without that makeup and flattering lighting, Fred Thompson is Pruneface.

Saturday, October 20, 2007


Now I know how a psychic feels.
I am watching the Sox game, in my apartment within shouting distance of Fenway.
I have the TV volume turned down.
I know what is going to happen on the TV with each pitch.

I can tell by the roar coming through my window whether it was a pop fly, an RBI, or a homerun that just occurred. Then, I look at my TV screen, and watch it happen. That was a helluva third inning.

Pretty cool. Just thought I'd tell you.

I am still a White Sox fan.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Fred Thompson

What the hell is wrong with this guy?

Fred Thompson embodies everything that makes the Elderly Menace such a menace.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

My early endorsement

This should help his numbers.
Positively Unemployed formally endorses Stephen Colbert for President.

His "elderly look like lizards" platform should suffice to defeat the threat that Fred Thompson poses to this nation.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

University of Chicago, back on the blog

Another Nobel Laureate U of C alum of the day.

Congratulations, Professor Myerson. Now go to the University of Chicago Alumni Association and explain to to them how the job market works. They seem to be lagging.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Lazy Old Man Fred Thompson

Man, he just lives up to the stereotypes, doesn't he?

Thompson is sitting next to a Hollywood insider who asks him, Why weren't you interested in being president of the MPAA (Motion Picture Association of America)? Look, Thompson says. Dick Wolf (creator of "Law and Order") pays me a lot of money to work two days a week. Why would I work for less money and work six days a week?

Fred Thompson is going to gum you to death, terrorists!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

"Pregnant With Freedom"

I am proud to learn that Stephen Colbert has adapted my ideas about the elderly into his book.

Watch the video clip to see what I mean.

He does kind of look like me, doesn't he?

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Dear Mean Old Man Fred Thompson

I didn't watch the debate.
If I wanted to see an old person acting high-and-mighty and accusing everyone in sight of being murderers, I can turn on the Hallmark Channel and watch "Murder She Wrote."


Frankie Machine

Wednesday, October 03, 2007


Hey Dick Tracy! Your nemesis is running for President!

For godsakes! Look at him!

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Crazy Old Man Fred Thompson

He doesn't even know how many Commandments there are. Just like Reagan.

Next thing you know, he'll be coming out in support of the rights guaranteed by the 43rd Amendment.

I am lazy.

And overworked.

Contradiction? I don't think so.