Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Sayanora, 2008!

Well, we survived the final year of the Bush regime.
2009 HAS to be better.

Remember, if Wilco is reading this: Please, Wilco. If you're playing the inauguration, hook me up?

Hope your 2009 starts off well. I'll be here, telling you all what's what.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Things I Learned In Business School

Mojo Nixon has a song, "Rock and Roll Hall of Lame," in which he sings*
"If it were a real rock and roll hall of fame,
there'd be a drug ATM
(I'd be there)
they'd hand out copies of 'On the Road' and 'Fear and Loathing' and 'Steal This Book,'
they'd show movies like Thunder Road
and Vanishing Point
It'd be a monument to teenage sex!"

And that's how I feel about the time I've spent in Business School. I spent a decade in the corporate world, and I can say that if Business School were truly teaching us what "it" is like, there would be courses on how to fire someone, how to protect yourself in the event of a round of layoffs, what to do when your boss decrees that everyone is to read "Who Moved My Cheese?" Instead, they teach us the mechanics and numbers and bits and bytes of business. Which brings us to this holiday installment of What I Learned In Business School: They don't teach you what you need to know.

Business Schools should have a required class called "What They Think About You," to teach the brash MBA students the regard in which they are held by the rest of humanity. This class would consist of showings of "Roger & Me," and "In The Company of Men," and "The Smartest Guys In The Room." Hell, we could even get Michael Moore as a guest speaker. An entire class of MBAs would have to face the fact that it is people like them, with their degrees, that are the direct cause of a lot of turmoil and dickery.

As in Business School, there would be case studies from Harvard. An entire week would be spent on Robert McNamara.

And just like in grade school, there would be field trips. First, to emptied-out Rust Belt towns where smart young MBAs got their first jobs, and promptly ran entire regional economies into the ground. Second, to one of the few remaining American automobile plants, where students would have to work the line for an entire day. Maybe this would quell some of the talk about how unionized employees are too over-paid and too lazy and can't deal with competition. Maybe.

And, finally, for good measure, the final exam would require the class to write about a novel. Not a textbook, not a "Manager's Guide To" whatever, a novel--the kind of book that smart people read. This is just one small step in my larger plan to make the world a better place. It might also give the future CEOs something interesting to talk about while they're getting embarrassingly sloshed at a "networking event."

I doubt any business school would offer this class. It's not in their best interest to tell their students that they cause problems in the world and that strict devotion to business principles can have catastrophic consequences. Nobody wants to hear that. It's just a lot easier to fight for the attention of the corporate recruiters that tell students how much they are needed and in demand. They don't teach you what you need to know, because your job offer depends on not knowing it. And that's another Thing I Learned In Business School.


* accuracy of quotation not guaranteed.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Season's Greetings.

Well, I'm off to the mall to tell children the truth about Santa Claus.

Have a great holiday! Travel safe, stay away from Amtrak and your Republican relatives.

See you in the new year!

Sincerely,

Frankie Machine

Monday, December 22, 2008

Amtrak Continues to FAIL.

A 16-hour trip between Chicago and Grand Rapids.
I never ever want to spend three hours in Holland, MI.
So far, Amtrak officials can explain only seven hours of the delay.

Chicago: Train leaves at 5:58 p.m. Sunday, Chicago time, 38 minutes late. Scheduled to arrive in Grand Rapids at 10:20 p.m. local time.

Porter, Ind.: Delayed 4 hours due to weather and a freight train blocking its path.

Holland: Train arrives at 4:10 a.m. local time, drops off passengers and proceeds half-mile into CSX yard.

Holland: Train stops in CSX yard after crew reaches 12-hour work limit. Waits about three hours for a new crew.

Grand Rapids: Train arrives at 10:02 a.m., nearly 12 hours late.


I like this excuse: "He said the crew blamed the delays on the weather and problems with switches."
Amtrak ALWAYS blames the switches! They've been blaming the switches since back when I was in college. Buy some new goddamn switches! The ones you're using don't frikkin' work! Um...yeah, the switches. Sure, Amtrak. It's the switches. I'm surprised you're not blaming Snidely Whiplash who has tied a girl to the track.



Fortunately, the story allowed comments, my favorite of which is:
the people who run the trains are real losers who have no lifes and take out their problems on their passengers. they are frequently rude, ugly, and stupid.

Friday, December 19, 2008

"Small town values", Wasilla-style

Wasn't some commenter on this blog saying how great Wasilla was, and how it represented small-town America?

The mother of Levi Johnston, the 18-year-old boyfriend of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin's teenage daughter, has been arrested on drug charges, the Anchorage Daily News reported Friday.

Sherry L. Johnston, 42, has been charged with six felony counts of misconduct, the newspaper reported.


I bet Levi learned so much from his mom. And they won't let gay people get married? They let this screw-up have CHILDREN! You know how hard you have to work to get charged with SIX felonies?

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Rick Warren makes Baby Jesus cry.

Rick Warren is full of hate and lies.

He went on to say he's opposed to gay marriage the same way he is opposed to a brother and sister marrying (that would be incest), a man marrying a child (that would be statutory rape), or someone having multiple spouses (that would be polygamy). Pressed by Waldman, Warren said he considered those crimes equivalent to gay marriage.


I've written about Rick Warren's lies here. He couldn't stop Obama, and so he decided to hedge his hate-bet and take away the rights of gay people. Why does this scumbucket Elmer Gantry keep getting airtime? I hope to God (mine, not his...two totally differenyt deities) that some journalist is getting the goods on this joker and the details are juicy. And that when this story hits, he's relegated to walking up and down the street with a hand-lettered sandwich board talking about the last days.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Things I Learned In Business School

Mrs. Machine and I were talking the other day, and the talk turned to Sparta.

She told me how Spartan training of their young men consisted of giving them less food than they required, to make them steal food from others. If they were caught, there was a Spartan beatdown. * This ultimately had the effect of weeding out the weak and making sure the resultant force was crafty and strong.

We have such a system in business school, too. It's called "The Curve." At my institution, the first-year curve demands that no more than 25% of the students can get an A in a desired class, and no less than 10% can get a C. So, yeah, people cheat. Fortunately, the curve more or less goes away in the second year.

The difference is, at the end of the day, the Spartans had a cohesive, bonded fighting force that was willing to stand with only 300 against an entire army of Persians. Today, if I had to stand with my class against the Persians...I wouldn't be sure who to aim at.

And that brings us to today's "Thing I Learned In Business School": Don't trust the bastards.

I'm not saying everybody in business school is a bastard, but the percentage is a lot higher than in the general population. There are people who will cheat, who will not pull their weight on team assignments, and who will simply go after other people for no reason. They pretty much identify themselves early on in B-school, and are proud of it. I've also found that GMAT scores are strongly correlated to the level of bastardity. I did some research, and have the graph to prove my point:



The Bastardity Index ranges from 0-10, with 10 being Ken Lay, and 0 being Jesus (who, funny story, was an actual bastard).

My remedy: Ostracization. Find some non-bastard allies and mock the living hell out of the bastards. Make fun of them behind their backs. Sure, it's juvenile, but what would you rather be: juvenile, or a bastard?

In the end, you have to watch out for yourself. If you can go to sleep at night knowing you have a soul, you're going to do just fine. And that's another Thing I Learned In Business School.



* Odd coincidence: My elementary grade school mascot was the Spartan.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

New feature:

Today, I'd like to start a little experiment called, "Things I learned in Business School." I've been at it since September of last year, and I think I'm as qualified as anyone else out there reflecting on the B-school experience. Also, some websites that have similar insights are really lame. For instance, a quick Google of the phrase "Things I learned in Business School" returns the following tripe:

You can value an asset if you know its cash flows, the timing of them, and can quantify the risks of acheiving those cash flows. The whole area of the capital asset pricing model and modern portfolio theory was my second favorite thing I learned at business school. It made sense to me and given my engineering background, I found the math around these theories fascinating. I don't use the formulas very much any more, but my brain is now hard wired with these theories and I don't think of value any other way and never will.


You can wake up now. So, without much more pontificating, here is Frankie Machine's First "Things I Learned in Business School."

Never underestimate the value of flashy graphics to compensate for weak content and slipshod writing. I am right now typing this blog post while next to my elbow sits a printout of a paper that is absolutely unremarkable, passion-less, and devoid of substantive thought. I admit that. There was a lot due this week, and my grade in the class is not in much danger if I don't get a top grade on this paper. So, I'm going for style points. Here are key elements of transforming mediocre work into something an instructor might be fooled by.
1. A cover page. Preferably in color. Microsoft Word now makes it as easy as possible to add a professional-looking cover page. For maximum effect, follow this up with...
2. A table of contents. Section headings and their page numbers can go a long way to convince a professor you spent time on your project.
3. Footnotes. Academic-looking fine print is your best friend in this charade. Use them liberally.

Remember that business school is ultimately preparing you for the realities of the business world, so don't focus too much on content or thought. Why do you think they tell you to wear a suit to job interviews? Gussy up anything, and somebody somewhere will buy it.* And that's a Thing I Learned in Business School.


* see Wall Street.

Monday, December 08, 2008

Your tax dollars at work...

Arming the elderly menace.
A New Jersey company says they have gotten federal approval to market a gun to the elderly and hopes to have it subsized by Medicare.

Constitution Arms says its Palm Pistol will aid seniors with arthritis who would otherwise have trouble pulling the trigger. The device allows individuals to shoot by squeezing with their thumb.


Who thought this was a good idea? They certainly aren't readers of this blog. Soon enough, you'll see overly medicated elderly people going on shooting rampages with the help of these devices. The comments to the story are on my side, too:

"Be careful how you treat seniors. A casual remark may be deemed threatening and then, boom, goodbye. What a wonderful item to give your granny for Christmas! When she unwraps it, she will want to squeeze it and then boom, goodbye."


Lots of dead caregivers and grandchildren soon when Gramps thinks its a hand exerciser.


Maybe this blog needs to stick around after all.

Friday, December 05, 2008

Mini-Hiatus

I'm terribly sorry for the lack of posts.
There's been hecticness and franticness as of late. That and The Man keeps trying to beat me down.

Sometime, early next week, there will be some quality posts. Frankie's honor.

Until then, dig the crazy:


Monday, November 24, 2008

Start your week with a monkey story!



You will watch this video again and again.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

That's Gotta Hurt



Nobody will shake his hand.

Hey. Off for the weekend. Go get drunk or something.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Abandoning a child

A horrible situation. However, I should be grateful this law was not effect when I was growing up.
My parents would have dropped me off and caught the first flight to San Juan. Believe me, they would have been totally justified.
In Nebraska, it's only going to be legal for a limited time only.
The safe-haven law was intended to save "Dumpster babies" by allowing desperate young mothers to abandon their newborns at a hospital without fear of prosecution. But lawmakers could not agree on an age limit, and the law as passed uses only the word "child."
All states have safe-haven laws, but in every state but Nebraska, the law applies to infants only.
Authier said her group and others had warned senators after the law passed early this year that there could be problems, but the lawmakers did not believe it.
"It wasn't like talking to a stone wall," Authier said. "It was just that people who aren't in the business of dealing with families, they aren't aware how desperate some of these families are."
Sure enough, 20 teenagers — six 17-year-olds, two 16-year-olds, six 15-year-olds, three 14-year-olds, three 13-year-olds — have been abandoned, along with eight children who were 11 or 12. Five of the children dropped off have been from out of state.


Back in my day, parents would just drop the kids off at school and let the teachers deal with 'em.

Saturday, November 08, 2008

Oh, alright.

The Elderly Menace is not dead yet.
It is ironic that the Museum will be honoring a promoter of hate like Dobson, while at the same time many mourn the recent passing of journalistic legend Studs Turkel, whom the Museum never got around to honoring.


People like James Dobson are still around, spreading their hate. And I can't let it stand.

So, people like James Dobson will still have to deal with me for a little while more.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Aftermath.

Since Obama won, I've been thinking about this blog.
I don't want to brag, but I think part of John McCain's defeat resulted from this blog's message that the elderly in positions of power are dangerous.
I've been at this for almost three years. Maybe I should declare victory and go home.

Or, I could resume my focus on the University of Chicago Alumni Association. But, you know, having a U of C prof as a President of the United States means I can put down my sword in that war, too.

What do you think?

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

How I feel, as well.

From Tom Tomorrow:
Eight long years
We’ve regarded our leaders with dread and anxiety for so long, it has come to seem like the normal state of things. It has become a chronic pain, so much a part of our lives that we only really notice it when it subsides — and suddenly the relief is so overwhelming it becomes a tangible thing.

After eight years of an administration whose actions have run the gamut from stupid to venal, we will have a rational president who believes in things like, say, science. Who can string a succession of words together into a coherent sentence.

I confess, if McCain had won, my despair for this country would have been absolute. Instead, the cloud we’ve all been living under for so very long begins to lift, this morning.

The Republicans tried to win with hate and fear and division, and instead they failed. Spectacularly, definitively, repudiated in a landslide. And you know what I hope, at this moment? That Joe the Plumber becomes a widely-used symbol for all that has been wrong with America. That tv commentators invoke his name as shorthand for the politics of stupidity — “Maybe Joe the Plumber thinks we need to put all the Danish-Americans in internment camps, but no rational person agrees!” — and a heartfelt chuckle is had by all, and no more need be said, so universal is the understanding.

I very much want that to be the legacy of Joe the Plumber.

Off to the wilderness with them all. I have no doubt they’ll claw their way back eventually, but at the very least we’ve bought ourselves some breathing room, some time to try to repair the damage they’ve done to the very foundations of this country.


Yes. Yes.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Congratulations

President Obama,

Frankie Machine is at your service.

Not going to call it...yet.

But Frankie Machine, Sr. just scored Obama a win in Michigan.

Hearing this, Ohio got scared of my Dad, and, well...

"President Obama" sounds pretty good right now.

And to all those folks in Grant Park, a favorite haunt of Frankie Machine, I'd like to express that I am there in spirit.

History.

Frankie Machine just voted.
Let's go get some beers.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Bottled Hot Water

Daily Kos has all you need to know before voting tomorrow.

We can't trust the US to Old Man Huggies. He's lost his marbles.

No way. No how. No McCain.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Cheney endorses Old Man Huggies!



And Obama takes it deep!

An awesome speech.

Don't boo, just vote. I agree, President Obama. I'll be in line at 5:30, coffee cup in hand, scarfing down Munchkins. Making history requires a caffeine and sugar rush. History runs on Dunk'n.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Requiem for Mr. Terkel

He was great.
Somewhere in some bar up in heaven, Studs Terkel and Mike Royko and Nelson Algren are drinking and telling stories.

He attended the University of Chicago, where he obtained a law degree and borrowed his nickname from the character in the "Studs Lonigan" trilogy by Chicago writer James T. Farrell. He never practiced law. Instead, he took a job in a federally sponsored statistical project with the Federal Emergency Rehabilitation Administration, one of President Franklin D. Roosevelt's New Deal agencies. Then he found a spot in a writers project with the Works Progress Administration, writing plays and developing his acting skills.


I've got a feeling he used an absentee ballot to vote early. It's a shame he didn't get to see another Democratic President put people back to work.

He will be missed, but will be read for many more generations.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Inspiration for the weekend.

Obama Pictures and McCain Pictures
see Sarah Palin pictures

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Pulling Away.

Now way Old Man Huggies can top this.
In case you missed it, here is Obama's message:


Love it. It'll be nice to have a president who can speak intelligently, is genuinely in touch with America, and who knows the law.

I'm all tingly inside.

Monday, October 27, 2008

The Elderly Menace Attacks!



With a cane, this time.

This is what it's coming to.

This is what I've been saying for years.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Multitudes

This is from the Obama website's pictures of the trip to Denver.


Change your diaper, Old Man Huggies.
Book your trip back to Alaska, Mrs. Palin.

We're comin'.

You know who I feel sorry for, though? The moose in Alaska. Palin's going to be mighty angry on November 5. And she's the type of person who channels her anger into killing sprees.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Whassup?



Awesome commercial.
To think that in 1999, my 401(k) was worth as much as it is now.

Thanks, Republicans. Thanks a f**kload.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

It's less than two weeks now.



Remember, as we gear up to vanquish the Elderly Menace, that our great nation cannot stand George Bush's third term.

We can't stand empty blathering, a sinister Vice President, and appeals to the worst instincts in people.

The Elderly Menace has had this land I love in its grip for too long. In less than two weeks, we're taking it back.

John McCain, Sarah Palin, it's on.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The Elderly Menace (not John McCain edition)

And you people wonder why I wage war on the elderly. They steal little kids' toys! Criminy! Who does that?
I'll tell you who: Mean old ladies like Edna Jester.

“I'm 89 years old and I want a little piece of mind,” Jester said. “This is my life here in this chair, looking out that door, and all I see is playing the ball down and all over and all over. If it doesn't come in my yard, OK, but if it comes in my yard, I'm going to get it. No trespassing.”
Blue Ash Police Capt. James Schaffer said Monday that police warned Jester twice and finally arrested her after she refused to accept a citation.


In other news, John McCain announced that Edna Jester would be appointed Secretary of Lawn Defense if he is elected President.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Joe Biden knows how to fight



Take that, Sarah Palin. I've lived in Blue States my whole life, except for the stint in Virginia, and I can say that there are memorials to soldiers in Blue States, and 4th of July parades, and schoolkids say the Pledge of Allegiance.

So screw you, Sarah Palin.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Sarah Palin is horrible.

That's all.
Just saying.

Have a great weekend.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

The Elderly Menace



Never turn your back on Old Man Huggies.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Stop. The. Fight.


This video says it all, doesn't it?
Obama's command of the facts.
McCain's crankiness.
And the look on his face.

It's over. I'm booking my tickets to Washington for Obama's inauguration.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Old Man Huggies pals around with terrorists.

One of his aides was a lobbyist.
No big deal, right?
Now, what if I told you he was a lobbyist for Saddam Hussein?
(or, as the rednecks at my high school called him, "So Damn Insane huh huh funny").

See, that's the kind of thing that means Old Man Huggies should never be allowed near the Oval Office.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Wasilla Sounds Pretty Screwed Up...

...and I grew up in MICHIGAN!

If any of you had any doubts about Sarah Palin
(and, honestly, after following this blog, you shouldn't)
you should read this.
So let's get this straight. John McCain's team chose someone whose political career was tightly interwoven with - and supported by - extremists. Not just average wingnuts. Extremists. Radicals. A secessionist and a paranoid militia organizer.


Full original article on Sarah Palin here.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Sarah Palin makes Hockey look civilized.



They had to turn up the music to drown out the boo-ing.

To borrow a line from the Simpsons:
"Are they boo-ing me?"
"No! They saying 'Cari-BOU!'"

Friday, October 10, 2008

Sarah Palin: Unlawful Abuse of Power

Breaking News!

ANCHORAGE, Alaska - A legislative committee investigating Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin has found she unlawfully abused her authority in firing the state's public safety commissioner.


Strangest. Election. Ever.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Awesome pictures.

Oh, my.
It's like Mardi Gras to these trogs.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Oh, I almost forgot.

Three-Zip

That's the Democrats' records against Old Man Huggies and Militia Mom.
Do we really need to watch the last debate? Because, from where I'm standing, all Old Man Huggies can do there is yell at Obama and call the audience stupid for wanting a black guy as President.

That's all he has left. And I don't think I have enough alcohol on hand to witness that much ugly.

I can't quite shake the idea that came to me one night; that John McCain might be trying to throw this fight. He picked Sarah Palin, he's given horrid debate performances, he's acted confused and bewildered on stage. This might be a deliberate strategy on his part to go through with an election he does not want to win. And now, after all that, the American people have him down (at most) about 10 points in the polls. He may not like that margin for error, so if this theory is correct, that last debate will be his last chance to convince the American people not to vote for him. And if this theory is correct, I'd like to suggest that Old Man Huggies do the following, to put the nail in the coffin:
1. Use the word "motherfucker" in every sentence.
2. Vow to bomb China.
3. Lunge at Obama with a spork. *
4. Just stand behind the podium and drool.
5. In response to the first question he is asked, he should begin by saying, "My running mate? Sarah Palin? I hit that." Then he should wink.**

I may end up watching that last debate after all.


* Don't worry. Obama lives on the South Side. He's seen worse.
** On purpose, this time.

Monday, October 06, 2008

John McCain's Past.

Keating 5.
Check it out at noon today.
We can't afford to trust our economy to this man.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Old Man Huggies Is Erratic.



This is how we win.
John McCain doesn't stand a chance.

No way. No how. No McCain.

Saturday, October 04, 2008

In short.

Old Man Huggies Is Contagious.


He's apparently given Sarah Palin that left-eye disease.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Bye, Bye, Johnnie.

As I reported earlier, my dad, Frankie Machine, Sr., is working for the Obama campaign.

Old Man Huggies just got the news (via Pony Express). This is why he just pulled his campaign out of Michigan. He knows when he's beat.

Frankie Machine, Sr. 1
Old Man Huggies 0

And that, my friends, is what a beatdown looks like.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

In the name of all that is decent...

Somebody, please, stop this fight.



Senator McCain is looking worse every day. It's footage like this that has the country worried.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Great. Thanks, Republicans.

Obama Pictures and McCain Pictures
see Sarah Palin pictures

Hoovervilles are now officially to be called "Georgetowns."

Friday, September 26, 2008

Holy Shlamolies.



Now, growing up Catholic, I saw some stuff in church that might have seemed weird to outsiders. Dunkin' babies in water. Teenagers walking down the aisles swinging burning incense in front of caskets. Mass reciting of oaths and creeds. So, in some respect, I am not surprised by Fellini-esque rituals in houses of faith.

But this? This is flat out wrong. Sarah Palin is whacko.

As a bonus, check out this beautiful piece of work by Sarah Silverman about old people.

No way. No how. No McCain.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Sarah Palin, the Babbler.


Watch CBS Videos Online

I can't even begin to criticize this person. Where do I start?
Her really sarcastic tone, her utter ignorance, her disdain for questions?
Where?

Why can't the US just sell Alaska to Russia for $700 billion? Problem solved.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Obama is more presidential.

There, I said it.
This is exactly right.
Old Man Huggies can try to put on a sham display, but it's not fooling anybody.

"It's my belief that this is exactly the time when the American people need to hear from the person who, in approximately 40 days, will be responsible for dealing with this mess," Obama said at a news conference in Clearwater, Fla. "It's going to be part of the president's job to deal with more than one thing at once."


Although, judging from the past eight years, that's a pretty high expectation.

Monday, September 22, 2008

What a buncha babies!



Seriously. Does Old Man Huggies ever NOT complain?

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Whoever wrote this gets my vote.

Apparently, it's some lawmaker somewhere. It sounds like I would sound if I could get elected.

Now THERE'S an idea.

Paulsen and congressional Republicans, or the few that will actually vote for this (most will be unwilling to take responsibility for the consequences of their policies), have said that there can't be any "add ons," or addition provisions. Fuck that. I don't really want to trigger a world wide depression (that's not hyperbole, that's a distinct possibility), but I'm not voting for a blank check for $700 billion for those mother fuckers.
Nancy said she wanted to include the second "stimulus" package that the Bush Administration and congressional Republicans have blocked. I don't want to trade a $700 billion dollar giveaway to the most unsympathetic human beings on the planet for a few fucking bridges. I want reforms of the industry, and I want it to be as punitive as possible.

Henry Waxman has suggested corporate government reforms, including CEO compensation, as the price for this. Some members have publicly suggested allowing modification of mortgages in bankruptcy, and the House Judiciary Committee staff is also very interested in that. That's a real possibility.

We may strip out all the gives to industry in the predatory mortgage lending bill that the House passed last November, which hasn't budged in the Senate, and include that in the bill. There are other ideas on the table but they are going to be tough to work out before next week.

I also find myself drawn to provisions that would serve no useful purpose except to insult the industry, like requiring the CEOs, CFOs and the chair of the board of any entity that sells mortgage related securities to the Treasury Department to certify that they have completed an approved course in credit counseling. That is now required of consumers filing bankruptcy to make sure they feel properly humiliated for being head over heels in debt, although most lost control of their finances because of a serious illness in the family. That would just be petty and childish, and completely in character for me.

I'm open to other ideas, and I am looking for volunteers who want to hold the sons of bitches so I can beat the crap out of them.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

This is how we win.



No way. No how. No McCain.

Friday, September 19, 2008

The Dreaded Spanish!

From AmericaBlog:

Stay on alert for the next GOP smear attack on Obama. The way things are going with their candidate, it'll have to be extra ugly. I mean, who knew McCain would bring us back to the days of saber rattling against Spain? It's so 1898. Just wait for the new McCain campaign slogan: "Remember the Maine." And, don't forget, McCain does fancy himself a "Teddy Roosevelt" kind of guy.


This is so like the Onion's founder, T. Herman Zweibel:

It has been brought to my attention that the Republic's children are dismissed from school for the summer, making them vulnerable to indulgence, sloth, gluttony, and the enticements of various confidence tricksters.

Some, I've even been told, have lately been pre-occupied with bizarre games of skill contained in boxes no bigger than their hands and fired with the electrical power. The perverse object of these electrical challenges is to shoot pretend bullets at moon-men and their traveling vessels, subduing them as though they were the Spanish or some other enemy of the Republic. I am very much opposed to the use of mechanical objects for pleasure, and call for these electrical games to be disassembled.

But I realize that a boy needs to play. My own boy-hood was one of the best any American could have had, for I was a plucky young shaver who engaged in nothing but the most wholesome and vigorous activities! How fondly I recall the merry sports my manly little chums and I would play. Our days were boisterous and full as we played endless games of Mumblety-Peg, Blind-Man's Bluff and Slap-the-Quaker!


Happy Friday, y'all!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Original Programming

This blog used to devote a lot of time to the comic strips and how unfunny they are. Then I discovered the Comics Curmudgeon and realized I couldn't beat the king. But today, I have to share this strip:

This is the greatest thing ever put on the comics page.

Like Rambling Stories About Fish Around Oil Rigs?



Well, then, by all means, vote McCain.

If, on the other hand, you're wondering how the US turned into a socialist country overnight under a Republican administration...you're too smart for your own good.

"Old Boys' Network."



Obama's using lines I wish I had written.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

One More Before The Week Starts!

Dear People of Alaska:

Love your state's natural beauty. I hope to fish there one day, and maybe even see a grizzly. I saw a moose last time I was there. Pretty amazing state.

But if you are of such an attitude that you live in Alaska to get away from the lower 48, or escape civilization, or try yourself against the wild, fine. If you're such a fiercely independent, state-of-nature dwelling bunch of folks, who just want to be left alone by the evil federal government, I'm sure you won't mind my advice to you:

Shut up and don't vote in the national elections.
Send us back all the money we've sent north over the years.
Stop sending us your corrupt politicians.

We've got some big challenges in this country. We don't have time for your attitude.

Sincerely,

Frankie Machine

Bring it on, Palin.

Please, Sarah. have your assistant call me and try this.
When Ms. Palin had to cut her first state budget, she avoided the legion of frustrated legislators and mayors. Instead, she huddled with her budget director and her husband, Todd, an oil field worker who is not a state employee, and vetoed millions of dollars of legislative projects.

And four months ago, a Wasilla blogger, Sherry Whitstine, who chronicles the governor’s career with an astringent eye, answered her phone to hear an assistant to the governor on the line, she said.

“You should be ashamed!” Ivy Frye, the assistant, told her. “Stop blogging. Stop blogging right now!”


This post is dedicated to the memory of David Foster Wallace. His collection, A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again, made me laugh throughout, and I carried it with me all over Chicago and the South on my many journeys. He was brilliant and innovative and funny as hell. I think of him every time I footnote something.

Friday, September 12, 2008

That's some Mavericky yacht partying.

John McCain. "Celebrity."

My friends, I celebrate my birthdays on yachts with Anne Hathaway. You little people can get bent.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

A few facts.

-- John McCain is in bad shape, physically.
-- Every story that comes out about John McCain in this campaign has been about breaches of trust or his corruption. It's either that or stories about him as a POW 40 years ago.
--The enthusiasm for Sarah Palin is held only by those Republicans who attended the convention. There's not much support for her, even in Republican circles.

John McCain is a very weak candidate.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Sarah Palin wanted to ban books.



Nasty little fascist.
Anybody who fears books in libraries has no business leading this country.
Banning books is cowardly, ignorant, and unpatriotic.

No way. No how. No McCain.

Chris Matthews?



Chris Matthews (?!?) of all people decimates the "lipstick on a pig" malarkey.

I love it!

The press is beginning to call McCain and Palin LIARS!
FAIRFAX, Va. - Republican presidential nominee John McCain and his running mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, equated lawmakers' requests for funding for special projects with corruption on Wednesday even though Palin herself has requested nearly $200 million in so-called "earmarks" this year.


The press may finally be waking up. They're not biting on the "lipstick on a pig" comment, either.

No way. No how. No McCain.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Tax and Spend! Tax and Spend!



(thanks to JC*)





* No, not JC of JC and the Twelve Apostles. The other one.

Monday, September 08, 2008

A Refuge State



Sarah Palin.
Believes.
That Alaska.
Will Be.
A "Refuge State."
In "The Last Days."

God help us all if she's in a position to bring The Last Days about.

No way. No how. No McCain.

Dear Sarah Palin,

I got yer "deference" right here.

Deference? This is America. We got started by taking up arms against the king of England.
We don't do deference.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Wasilla, the Crawford, Texas of the North



A video tour of where Sarah Palin was mayor.

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Hells. Yeah.

Why I am voting for real fighters this November.
Last night at the Republican National Convention, John McCain used the word "fight" more than 40 times in his speech.

In the 16 years that we have served together in the Senate, I have seen John McCain fight.

I have seen him fight against raising the federal minimum wage 14 times.

I have seen him fight against making sure that women earn equal pay for equal work.

I have seen him fight against a women's right to choose so consistently that he received a zero percent vote rating from pro-choice organizations.

I have seen him fight against helping families gain access to birth control.

I have seen him fight against Social Security, even going so far as to call its current funding system "an absolute disgrace."

And I saw him fight against the new GI Bill of Rights until it became politically untenable for him to do so.

John McCain voted with President Bush 95 percent of the time in 2007 and 100 percent of the time in 2008 -- that's no maverick.

We do have two real fighters for change in this election -- their names are Barack Obama and Joe Biden.


Barbara Boxer, you are awarded the Frankie Machine Medal of Honor for Sarcasm in the Face of the Elderly.

Appalling Vice Presidential Candidate.

Sarah Palin is "racist, sexist, vindictive, and mean."

So, obviously, a Republican. Go read the story. It's pretty harsh stuff. And tell ALL your friends about it.

No wonder she's hiding up in Alaska right now. It's only a matter of time before she says something truly barbaric to the TV cameras.

Old Man Huggies, keep making decisions like this one, and I might just begin to like you. For helping put a Democrat in the White House.

Friday, September 05, 2008

Fearmonger McCain



Keith is our last best hope for journalistic integrity.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Dear Old Man Huggies

I hope you get a lot of rest after staying up so late to give your little speech.
Because tomorrow, you have a tough enemy waiting for you: Frankie Machine, Sr.
That's right, my father is volunteering for the Obama campaign.
Give up now.

Here's how tough my Pops is:
1. He didn't get a fancy pants education at Episcopal High School. He learned to read and write in a one-room schoolhouse. He was teaching in that one-room school house at age 10. By age 12, that one-room schoolhouse had grown and expanded and is now called Yale.

2. As a two-year old (!) he tried to stow away in his uncle's Navy seabag. There was a war on, you know. When the Japanese heard about this, they surrendered.

3. He has lived his entire life in the wilds of Michigan. I'd like to see you do that.

Frankie Machine, Sr. is the man you pretend to be. He didn't cheat on his wife, or abandon his kids, or crash airplanes. He actually goes to church every Sunday.

And you've made him very, very angry.

Say your prayers, John McCain.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

John McCain better watch out!


Old, Grizzled Third-Party Candidate May Steal Support From McCain

Sarah Palin hates America.

Since no Republicans seem to think this is a problem and aren't talking about it...

The founder of the Alaska Independence Party -- a group that has been courted over the years by Sarah Palin, and one her husband was a member of for roughly seven years -- once professed his "hatred for the American government" and cursed the American flag as a "damn flag."


Also, a preacher at her church said the following:

Brickner also described terrorist attacks on Israelis as God's "judgment of unbelief" of Jews who haven't embraced Christianity.

"Judgment is very real and we see it played out on the pages of the newspapers and on the television. It's very real. When [Brickner's son] was in Jerusalem he was there to witness some of that judgment, some of that conflict, when a Palestinian from East Jerusalem took a bulldozer and went plowing through a score of cars, killing numbers of people. Judgment — you can't miss it."

Palin was in church that day, Kroon said, though he cautioned against attributing Brickner’s views to her.


More evidence that conservatives are terrorists.

No way. No how. No McCain.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Grampaw Fred Thompson is back!

There's something both pathetic and hilarious about this picture.



I'm almost sorry I missed his crazy old man harangue.

Almost.

Back to School



Wish me luck, fans!

Monday, September 01, 2008

"Hookers and Blow"



The Republican National Convention is decadent and depraved.

Palin and McCain

My God.
I leave for the weekend, and all hell breaks loose.
Old Man Huggies nominates a little-known governor of Alaska
(there are city blocks in Chicago with higher population than most Alaskan cities)
who supported the bridge to nowhere before she was against it
whose 17-year old daughter is pregnant and will marry the father and keep the baby.

And the Republicans are loving it.

I am going to love January 20, 2009.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Old Man Huggies Day!



Happy Birthday, John McCain.
This picture was taken on your birthday in 2005, as Hurricane Katrina was about to slam into New Orleans. Hope you enjoyed that cake.
God help us all if you're elected president.

No way. No how. No McCain.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Thoughts before the big moment

Watching the "regular people" give speeches before Barack Obama's acceptance of the nomination, I have to wonder:
Why didn't they let me give a speech? I would have had that stadium rocking.

"Old Man Huggies" would be a household phrase by tomorrow morning. If it isn't already.

p.s. No way. No how. No McCain.

Old Man Huggies



Courtesy of AmericaBlog.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

I get letters, sometimes

From Democrats.com.

McCain Owes America An Alzheimer's Test

While Ted Kennedy and Michelle Obama were rocking the Democratic convention in Denver, John McCain made his 13th appearance with Jay Leno to joke about his age.

But McCain's age is no joke. He will turn 72 on Friday and would be halfway to 73 if elected and sworn in on January 20. That would make him the oldest first-term President ever, two years older than Ronald Reagan. He has survived four skin cancers (melanomas), including one in 2000 that was classified as Stage IIa.

McCain is two years older than his father was when he died suddenly of a heart attack at 70. He is 11 years older than his grandfather was when he died suddenly of a heart attack at age 61.

The United States cannot afford the risk that McCain would die suddenly in the middle of an international crisis.

Nor can we afford the risk of dementia. 22% of Americans over 70 are affected by mild cognitive impairment, while 13% of Americans over 65 have Alzheimer's. Ronald Reagan was diagnosed with Alzheimer's at age 83, but early signs were evident during his first term. Britain's "Iron Lady" Margaret Thatcher developed dementia at age 75.

McCain has never had an Alzheimer's test, even though he has 6 of the 10 warning signs , including his inability to remember recent facts like the number of homes he owns, the $1M lawsuit he filed in 1990, or the U.S. invasion of Iraq in 2003.

John McCain owes America a thorough test for Alzheimer's and cognitive impairment long before Election Day.

Sign our petition to the Corporate Media:
http://www.democrats.com/mccain-owes-america-an-alzheimers-test


No way. No how. No McCain.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Revision to the previous post

"No Way. No How. No McCain."
Awesome line, Hillary.
I'm using it.

The Democratic Convention

Let's wrap this up and get back to beating up on Old Man Huggies.
I'm not particularly interested in what Hilary has to say, or what the Governor of Colorado has to say about what Hillary has to say, or about what Joe Scarborough has to say about what the Governor of Colorado has to say about what Hillary has to say.

Let's go stomp Grampa.

That's all I'm going to say.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Back in Boston

The summer in Washington in over.
I am back in Boston to watch the chaos of the conventions and elections from afar. But fear not. Old Man Huggies shall still feel the wrath of my fight against him and the elderly menace.

Mrs. Machine has ordered me to take it easy today, so that's what I'm doing. I'll post more starting tomorrow, and then when school starts you will probably see this blog go to an infrequent schedule.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

And speaking of trains

Atrios points out that Joe Biden is a fellow hobo like myself.
See you on the rails, Joe.



With much gratitude to John Hodgman.

Two Guys. Two Houses.

Obama-Biden. Two Guys. Two Houses.

In stark contrast, Old Man Huggies, John McCain.


Tomorrow I move on down the line. The life of the hobo knows only one constant: the call of the train whistle.

Friday, August 22, 2008

This letter to the editor is brought to you thanks to The Czar, Juan Valdez coffee, and the letter "Oh."

I was disappointed with the portion of the letter that the man from Guffin Bay wrote about John McCain and his problem in Vietnam.

I was in a convoy in July 1944, leaving from Wales to what I thought was southern France. In the Mediterranean one night, our ship was struck by another ship. We were running without lights. The order was given: Prepare to abandon ship. We never got the final order to abandon.


Compelling. Absolutely compelling. They should make a movie about this story. Oh, wait. No they shouldn't. Because it would suck. And would make no sense whatsoever.

Our ship was all alone. I was thrown from my bunk and my spine was injured. We limped into North Africa and I was on rest and recreation from July to November 1944. Then I went to the Pacific on a destroyer and served there several months. I was transferred to a hospital ship to be operated on; this was about 14 months after I was hurt and I was in some discomfort and had malaria.


I'll recap that, for my attention-deficit readers:
1. I fell out of bed and hurt by back.
2. I got a five-month vacation.
3. I got malaria.

Man, all he does is complain. Seems to me somebody should have called the "waaaah"-mbulance.

What I am saying is that what some people are proclaiming isn't always correct. We as a nation should be forever grateful for what our servicemen did throughout the 20th century without exception.


"By which I mean, print our crazy rambling letters to the editor. And keep the senior citizens discounts coming, Sonny."

Our country seems to be collapsing from within.


Why so pessimistic? With all due respect, I think we're on the verge of our finest hour. Once we get all the old people out of the way.

Seek the truth — it will set you free.

Clarence Benware

Black River


Have a good weekend, everybody! And always keep track of how many houses you own.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Holy 1-A, Batman!

John McCain is going to reinstate the draft.
As Americablog points out, the key exchange in this video is:
AUDIENCE MEMBER: If we don't reenact the draft I don't think we will have anyone to chase Bin Laden to the gates of hell.

JOHN MCCAIN: Ma'am let me say that I don't disagree with anything you said and thank you and I am grateful for your support of all of our veterans.




Old Man Huggies grew up in a military family. In fact, he wanted to go to Princeton, but was basically drafted by his own father into going to the Naval Academy. He thinks military life is something so great we should all share in it. He doesn't appear in public these days without that NAVY baseball cap, to remind everyone he was in the Navy. So it's no wonder he's looking forward to reinstating the draft.

He had no civilian life as a young man, and so like all old men everywhere, wants to take out his regrets on the younger generation. It's kind of pathological. Kind of like when your old grandma wouldn't give you ice cream, because she couldn't afford it as a child, because of the Depression, you know.

God, I can't believe he has a shot at becoming President. If that happens, our elected representatives in Congress will have to negotiate with Grampa McCain. I can see it now:

"President McCain, our constituents need you to sign this bill so that rat poison doesn't receive FDA approval as a baby food ingredient!"

"Screw them! My parents fed me whiskey as a baby and made me do drills at 0500 hours! Why should today's kids get special treatment? Now get offa my lawn!"

Pathology, I tell you.

An alternate explanation is that he drifted off during the audience member's question, and thought agreeing with everything she said was a pretty safe strategy.

Either way, not somebody I want in the White House.

Monday, August 18, 2008

A pastor lie? No! Not in America!

I told you Rick Warren was not to be trusted.

Turns out he was lying. John McCain was not in "The Cone of Silence."
Even I know lying in church is really bad.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Old Man Huggies last night

Here's what John McCain said last night:

"I think after 9/11, my friends, we should have told Americans to join the Peace Corps, expand the military, serve a cause greater than your self-interest," he said.


Too bad, Gramps. George Bush, the guy you're all huggy with and have deep man-love for, told us to go shopping. As a sort of elder statesman, you could have stepped up and led the call for service. But you didn't. You went along with this disastrous bungling whole-heartedly. You've only discovered this "greater than your self-interest" line now that you're running for President. Woulda. Coulda. Shoulda.

Also, 9/11 was almost 7 years ago. It's taken you seven years to come to this conclusion? Man, I know the elderly are slow, but this is ridiculous.

Finally, Frankie Machine is not your "friend."

End note: I think Rick Warren rigged last night's forum, was on McCain's side from the get-go, and gave McCain the questions beforehand. And Obama still came across as smarter, better-informed, and more capable.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Food For Thought

Cause for concern for McCain's stability.

My final thought before I order Chinese food and prepare for an underthecoverofdarkness departure from Washington:

Why are we letting pastor Rick Warren interview John McCain and Barack Obama?

You know who I would love to see interview presidential candidates?
A panel of Constitutional Law Professors, Historians, and Economists.
Those people would make sure the next president had the knowledge of the law, history, and money that's required to be president. Maybe if we had had such a panel in 2000, we wouldn't be in the mess we are today.

Instead, we get Rick Warren, a man who believes without a doubt that 2000 years ago, Jesus was born to a virgin, healed people with his touch, and came back from the dead to walk among us until he disappeared into the clouds. And that's OK that he believes that. I would just rather keep him from asking questions of the next president.

John McCain, the real-life Crankshaft

This comic strip right here is a good glimpse of what this country will be like if Old Man Huggies gets elected president.



Pointlessly nostalgic, unfunny, and dominated by a depressing focus on an old man's impending mortality.

I don't want this nation to go to the fair. I want us, as one nation, to rock out to Wilco with Obama!

In case you didn't hear, John McCain's favorite band is ABBA. Not an American band. John McCain hates American music. Why?

Friday, August 15, 2008

Dear CNN:

Are you really this gullible?

Shoot. If you're going to cover two Georgia hicks* claiming they have a Bigfoot corpse, I'll report the news. You know, stuff that has actually happened.

Ahem....

Our Lead Story: A senile old man is trying to be president of the United States.
Next Story: The United States is fighting two frikkin' wars.
In Financial News: We. Are. Boned.
Finally, in Sports: Why do you care about sports at a time like this? Old Man Huggies is promising 100 years in Iraq!

If a press conference is all it takes to get your attention, then maybe you should actually read what's on it before you send reporters. Or do some research. I found that video below in thirty seconds, and maybe I'm some sort of psychic, but I thought it was pretty clear they were making this crap up.

I would like to take this opportunity to tell you I have a leprechaun in captivity. I have him locked up under the sink in my apartment. Could you send a reporter and cameraman over? Quick. He's beginning to claw his way out. Great. I'll be taking questions.

You idiots. You make those two Georgia hicks look like Einstein.


* I am still not convinced one of them was not Andy Kaufman.

Bigfoot!

Because everyone's talking about it today.
And you look like you need a laugh.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Amazing but true facts about John McCain



This is how we win. Ads like this.

if you liked George Bush, you will LOVE Old Man Huggies.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

John McCain...

Aw, hell.
I don't know what to say.
"In the 21st century, nations don’t invade other nations."
Old Man Huggies said that. And he wants to be president.

Also, I realize I haven't told you this in a while, and the evidence keeps piling up.
Conservatives are terrorists.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Old Man Huggies and his crazy talk



I bet you five kronkers* you can't make it halfway through this without shaking your head and crying.



* "Kronkers" is what we used to call the word "dollars." We have to use the word "kronkers" because the Kaiser stole our word "dollars."

My thoughts on Georgia

The country (not the state that raised its sword against the Union and was justly burned to the ground, praise General Sherman!)...

Who believed George Bush was good at policy, anyway? If I were a Georgian (again, from the country of Georgia, not the prison colony), I would be feeling royally screwed right now. Here's why:

The U.S. military began flying 2,000 Georgian troops home from Iraq on Sunday, military officials said, after the Georgians recalled the soldiers following the outbreak of fighting with Russia in the breakaway province of South Ossetia.
...
"We want to thank them for the great support they've given the coalition and we wish them well," military spokesman Rear Adm. Patrick Driscoll said earlier Sunday at a news conference.


"Wish them well"?

Sounds like the "fuck you" letter we've all gotten from an employer at one time or another after being laid off around Christmas time without a Christmas bonus. In Michigan. Or Georgia (the "state" this time).

Help the US roll into a country, we'll let you call yourself part of the coalition of the willing. Your country gets invaded? Well, you see, our leader looked into Russia's leader's soul and all and...we can't get involved. That wouldn't be right.

Although, it does have a bright side. All it takes to get your country's troops sent home from Iraq is for your own country to get invaded.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

John McCain at Sturgis

And in today's episode of "Dementia Theatre," our antagonist Old Man Huggies offers his wife up as a contestant in a biker gang beauty contest.



Stay tune tomorrow, when he chooses Sonny Barger as his Vice President.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

This is really sad.



Somebody should stop the fight.

Old Man Huggies, the Joker.

Old Man Huggies tries to make the funny

McCain was off the trail Saturday , but he criticized Obama in his weekly radio address for his approaches to the Iraq war and education policy. "Sen. Obama is an impressive orator, and it's a lucky thing for me that people aren't just choosing a motivational speaker," he cracked.


Yes, Senator. It is a lucky thing for you. People are going to be choosing someone who can remember key facts, be cool under tense situations, think before starting wars, and be coherent and smart.

That someone is not you. YOU get to sit in a rocking chair and yell at the neighbor kids.

Lucky you.

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Saturday Night's Main Event



A couple of thoughts about this one:
1. How many people in this are either dead or former governors of Minnesota?
2. I love the lines " Get in there, referee!" and "That's grounds for disqualification!"

People ask me where I get my odd sense of humor and quirky outlook on life. Well, it was 13 years of Catholic school and the fact that I watched stuff like this on a regular basis.

Friday, August 01, 2008

Whawhawhaaaaa?

What he said.
What the hell has happened to get us to this point where nobody cares that Dick Cheney is plotting to use Navy SEALS to get us into war with Iran, and that the government's own people attacked Americans with Anthrax?

Good thing John McCain is running ads comparing Obama to Britney Spears.

I'm telling you. Conservatives are Terrorists.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Love it!



This is how we win.

John McCain, in faded black and white, like a Humphrey Bogart movie, and the word "OLD" prominent on the screen.

De l'audace, encore de l'audace, et toujours de l'audace!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Are Conservatives Terrorists?

Normally, I wouldn't think so. But, after reading this story, I think they are.

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. - An out-of-work truck driver accused of opening fire at a Unitarian church, killing two people, left behind a note suggesting that he targeted the congregation out of hatred for its liberal policies, including its acceptance of gays, authorities said Monday.


It's pretty clear where this person got his ideas and inspiration:
"Adkisson targeted the church, Still wrote in the document obtained by WBIR-TV, Channel 10, 'because of its liberal teachings and his belief that all liberals should be killed because they were ruining the country, and that he felt that the Democrats had tied his country's hands in the war on terror and they had ruined every institution in America with the aid of media outlets.'

"Adkisson told Still that 'he could not get to the leaders of the liberal movement that he would then target those that had voted them in to office.'

"Adkisson told officers he left the house unlocked for them because 'he expected to be killed during the assault.'

"Inside the house, officers found 'Liberalism is a Mental Health Disorder' by radio talk show host Michael Savage, 'Let Freedom Ring' by talk show host Sean Hannity, and 'The O'Reilly Factor,' by television talk show host Bill O'Reilly."


Why do conservatives hate our freedoms? Their twisted minds inspire others to open fire on people who are simply trying to worship as they choose. I hate to be blunt here, but we must take steps to make sure this sort of tragedy never happens again.

Therefore, regrettably, it has come to this.
1. Tap the phones of conservatives, and monitor their emails.
2. Deny conservatives the right to due process.
3. Hold conservatives indefinitely and use aggressive interrogation techniques to extract from them information about other conservative plots. (Note: I got this idea from "24".)
4. Round conservatives up and send them to Gitmo. They're terrorists. They have no rights.

Some of you may carp about this violating the Constitution. Need I remind you that the Constitution is not a suicide pact?

Thanks to the last eight years, we can now do all of this. Welcome to hell, conservatives.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Plagiarism for a Sunday

From one of my long-time favorite blogs, Eschaton:
Once upon a time, Fred Thompson was going to be the savior of the Republican party, and now he isn't even being considered for Vice President.


I guess the Republicans fell back on grade school logic of whoever is older in a fight will win. Which makes sense when one of the combatants is 14 and the other is 12. But, at some point, that logic leads to the Republicans making a choice between
this guy


and this guy.


PLEASE, Republicans, reconsider. Fred Thompson would make a great vice presidential candidate. It would give me reason to continue this blog. I go back to class in September, and a McCain-Thompson ticket would provide me so much motivation to keep blogging.
Until November, at least. When both would get sent back to the home.

Friday, July 25, 2008

I almost forgot!

Comic Con is going on San Diego!
I was wondering why there were so few poindexters around this afternoon. They're all in their mating ground, Comic Con!
To spare you, my readers, the pain, I went online and got some pictures of the atrocities:


The one on the right is giving you the finger. Ever so slyly. The middle one is just offensive in his own right.


Proof that our educational system has failed our nation. This is what it turns out.


Robert Mapplethorpe could not have thought up something this bad.

No matter what you thought of those,
there is no excuse or explanation for this:


Between young people acting like this, and old people thinking the road to the White House goes through a fudge shop, we are doomed.

Posted Without Comment

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Take. His. License.

Robert Novak is another member of The Elderly Menace. Some might say he is a founding member, as his first columns were screeds against abolitionists. Look at him!


And now, just today...
He tried to kill somebody, then fled the scene!
Bono said that the pedestrian, who was crossing the street on a "Walk" signal and was in the crosswalk, rolled off the windshield and that Novak then made a right into the service lane of K Street. “This car is speeding away. What’s going through my mind is, you just can’t hit a pedestrian and drive away,” Bono said.

He said he chased Novak half a block down K Street, finally caught up with him and then put his bike in front of the car to block it and called 911. Traffic immediately backed up, horns blaring, until commuters behind Novak backed up so he could pull over.


The guy discloses the name of covert operatives. He tries to kill pedestrians. What does it take to throw this guy in jail?

Saturday, July 19, 2008

I'm voting Republican!

McCain=Mean Old Man

Old Man Huggies can't be trusted with security.

Very characteristic of The Elderly Menace, disclosing stuff he shouldn't just to get attention.

Republican presidential candidate John McCain said on Friday that his Democratic opponent, Barack Obama, is likely to be in Iraq over the weekend.
The Obama campaign has tried to cloak the Illinois senator's trip in some measure of secrecy for security reasons. The White House, State Department and Pentagon do not announce senior officials' visits to Iraq in advance.


If God hates this country, and I think it's pretty clear she does, then what else can we expect when John McCain seizes power?

This episode is yet another illustration of how the older generation will simply NOT GET OUT OF THE WAY and let younger people run things for once. To the point of trying to bring physical harm upon a younger person.

Part of it is definitely the military mindset that McCain was immersed in from birth. He thinks of the presidency as a promotion in rank from Senator, one he has earned simply by being around long enough. And if someone gets in the way of that promotion, well, there's a war on, you know, and accidents happen, don't they?

John McCain is a dangerous unhinged individual.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

He's got my vote.

Well, duh. But here's another reason:

Later at a Lincoln Park nightclub, Obama spoke to a raucous crowd of music fans, who paid up to $500 per person to see a performance by Wilco lead singer Jeff Tweedy, and two other band members.

"Before these guys go, I want them to know that I had heard a rumor that they had suggested that I had nothing by them on my iPod," Obama said. "That is not true. I love Wilco."


Anybody who can get Bernie Mac and Jeff Tweedy in the same place is a true uniter, not a divider. If anybody from the Obama campaign is reading this, I would like to reserve two tickets to the inaugural ball where Wilco will play. January 20, 2009. I am free. Hook me up. I will even wear a tuxedo.

Old Man Huggies, on the other hand, prefers this kind of music:

Friday, July 11, 2008

Oh, that Borat.

This is an awesome story.

Little Rock, Arkansas — Crowds in Arkansas came for the lure of cage fighting and $1 beer, but police say what they got instead was men ripping each others' clothes off and kissing — a stunt suspected of being orchestrated by Sacha Baron Cohen of Borat fame.

“We had a contract for cage fighting. We were deceived,” said Dwight Duncan, president and CEO of Four States Fair Grounds in Texarkana, where the first of two Arkansas fights raised suspicions last month.


I'm not a huge fan of Borat, but I have to respect any comic willing to revive The Royal Nonesuch.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

A rare serious moment.

This is tragic.

My heart goes out to Alice Swanson's family and friends.

It's a shame that, in internet space, she will be linked to that article. So, here are links to the organizations and causes she worked for. It's the least a blogger can do.

Middle East Institute
International Research and Exchanges Board

They are organizations that are fighting against the ignorance and intolerance that have torn our world apart. Someone has to, and we are poorer for their loss.

Friday, July 04, 2008

America! F*** Yeah!

As I've noted before in this space, on this great holiday, remember the spirit of 1776. Which consisted of:
1. Disdain for authority
2. Appreciation for craft brews
3. Freemasonry.

Alright, alright. That last one is kind of paranoid.

Have a great weekend! And keep up the rebellion against King George!

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Another week

I'm trying. I really am. I will be better next week in putting commentary up here.
It's just that it's summer, and Old Man Huggies is staying out of the heat and thus is not providing me with much fodder.

And then I go on YouTube and find this, and I'm feeling so much better about being 33 years old.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

And here's a picture.

I took this picture with my camera phone yesterday.
I think the picture quality is good enough for what I want to do.

Sunday Morning Coming Down

It's an odd feeling, drinking coffee on a Sunday morning, with nothing to do until tomorrow morning.
No homework or team meetings or big papers...

It feels vaguely familiar, and yet...
and yet...

Friday, June 20, 2008

Feeling Tired

It's been a while.
Here's a quick update:

I've been re-reading some old classics in my time here in DC. Mark Twain in particular. There is a very sharp, weathered sense of humor there that makes you think he's laughing at you. Or maybe I'm just slow.

B-licious and I finally had our long-awaited blog summit. Several anti-elderly initiatives were decided upon that will be unveiled in the coming months. I'll give you a hint. One of them is named "Operation Grocery Store Checkout Line." Yup. I'll let you figure that out.

Finally, the Czar wanted me to pass this story along to you.
And this picture: