Larry Craig

I guess the only people who try to have fun in Minnesota are from Idaho.

And that's all I'll say about that.

Look, Nerds...

I don't mean to keep looking at pictures from your spawning parties every year, but you keep making the train wreck worse than the year before. I can't help but look.

You've gotta stop doing this:


I detest myself for doing this, but, to quote George Bush:
"There oughtta be limits to freedom."

Dear Minnesota

Here is something I learned in fifth grade:

If you have to tell people how cool you are,

you're not cool.

Now It Can Be Told!

Ol' Frankie Machine is the subject of a feature in Minnesota Monthly magazine. Despite not getting mentioned by name, or a cover photo, I think "Scoop" Enright has many years of quality journalisizing ahead of him.

State of Disgrace
Next May, Minnesota will hit the century-and-a-half mark. But not everyone will be celebrating, it seems. The MNMO staff recently came across an online petition demanding that the Land of 10,000 Lakes be ejected from the union. Among the charges:

» “The residents consider themselves [more] proud to be Scandinavian...than...American.”
» “There is an unbelievably high ratio of dirty ignorant yokels to people with brains.”
» “Most residents drink Hamm’s beer.”

The redress proposed by the wag behind the petition? Revoke Minnesota’s statehood, divvy up our 10 congressional seats, post guards on the Wisconsin border, and turn Minnesota into a protectorate of Norway. (Hmmm, wouldn’t Canada be a better fit?)

Tracked down via e-mail, the 32-year-old author, who recently moved to Minneapolis from Chicago and asked for anonymity, confessed he had posted the petition mostly in spite, alleging a generally snooty attitude among Minnesotans. So far, however, the petition has only drawn 26 signatures, so it’s probably a safe bet that the North Star state will last another 150 years or more. To view the petition, log on to www.ipetitions.com/petition/kickoutMN.

—MIKE ENRIGHT

Link here. (Scroll down.)

To prove my point, the magazine had an unrelated writeup below the story about me. It begins:

Luverne, a town of 4,600 near the South Dakota border, is best known for its buffalo chip–throwing contest.

Par-TAY!

It ain't a party till someone gets eaten by bears.

A 23-year old Serb was found dead and half-eaten in the bear cage of Belgrade Zoo at the weekend during the annual beer festival.

I like this quote:

"There's a good chance he was drunk or drugged. Only an idiot would jump into the bear cage," zoo director Vuk Bojovic told Reuters.

Oh, really?

I was this guy.

And, some might argue, I still am.

Bank of America

You are on notice, Bank of America.
If, on Monday, I can not access my funds, you will be on "The List."

Maybe you should hire some Americans, instead of Russians.

In Hiding

The Lam is a familiar perch for ol' Frankie Machine, but I was hoping to go legit this time.
Nonetheless, I'll post more soon.

Quote of the week?
"For 'The Bank of America,' there are a lot of Russians working here."

Rumors

Have been exaggerated.

The Machines are now firmly ensconced in some place other than Minnesota. To dispell some of the gossip that's floating out there on the blogs, here are some FACTS:

1. I have not "sold my soul" to The Man.
2. I am not fleeing the cops or the Minnesota Vikings fan club.
3. You are not a sad, dehumanized media consumer. By reading this blog, you place yourself firmly in the avant garde of internet wit.

There ya go.

Notes from the road

Again, thanks to the Czar.

Reunion

The Czar and I are rockin' upstate New York.
Updates as they become available.