Tuesday, January 30, 2007

The Study of Scarcity

"What is Economics?"

Yeah, whatever.
We're heading off to the East Coast on Thursday, and pictures may follow.

See ya in a bit.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Kick Minnesota Out Of The Union.

Sign the petition.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

The Dirty Dozen

Mrs. Machine and I went to the Horrible Company Holiday Dinner tonight.
Looking around at all the whiteness (and I'm not talking about snow here), I was scared that Lee Marvin and Charles Bronson were going to suddenly lock the doors and all hell was about to break loose.

More of this

Chelsea Handler gets the Positively Unemployed Medal of Honor for Comedy in the Face of the Elderly.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Becoming a habit again.

That first panel just cracks. me. up.
The Comics Curmudgeon as always has this covered.

I ran experiments like this when I went there. So where was my federal funding?
There are no beakers or Bunsen burners in the University of Chicago's "King Lab.'' A leather couch, an ottoman, a TV. Not a bad place to kick back and have a drink.

Or two or three or more.
That's what happens there, as researchers with the Chicago Social Drinking Project try to crack some of the mysteries of alcohol, in particular -- why some people binge on booze and others don't.

The elderly are vandals.
The 75-year-old has escaped police charges but is vowing to continue his crusade to preserve the ambience of the historic seaside resort.
Roger Beauchamp - president of the Porirua Historic Association and Porirua Historic Places Trust representative - said extreme frustration drove him to tagging, a vice usually the domain of errant teenagers.
He spray-painted "shit" on neighbour Pat Quin's house in Moana Rd.
Asked if he would be exercising his spray can again in the future, he replied: "I have suggested that if anyone crosses swords with me I will have three spray vials and paint their backsides with red, white and blue."

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

No need to worry

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

Unhinged U of C alum of the Day.William H. Calhoun.
Brownback allegedly has ties with Opus Dei, which has been called “conservative,” but really is not. It is comprised of third-world radicals intent on invading the first world, and Brownback has apparently been swayed by their rhetoric. These globalists and their anti-Kirkian ideology resemble Marxists more than traditional conservatives. Unlike traditional secret societies in Europe that emphasize European Blood and Soil or European Kith and Kin, Opus Dei is a rag-tag band of third-world parasites intent on taking over America.
When someone starts talking about parasites invading, I worry. Deeply.

The elderly are on the loose.
Elderly flasher strikes again

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Advance Screening

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Go Bears!


How bad are things? The elderly are now turning on George Bush and getting visits from the Secret Service.

One elderly woman learns a lesson about threatening the president.
“So, I called Social Security and unloaded and said I felt that somebody should have at least asked me if I was interested (in Medicare) or not,” Berry said. “The Social Security person said she was real sorry, but she didn’t know what to tell me to do.”

With her next response, Berry unknowingly launched a course of action that changed her world.

“I said there wasn’t really anything anyone could do besides take a gun and kill (President) Bush. Then she said she had to report that and I thought who cares, they can go ahead and arrest me and we’ll get a story that maybe will help the seniors,” said Berry, who once had her own radio and television programs in Minnesota and Wisconsin, on which she addressed senior-related issues. She currently is a receptionist at KBBI and also coordinates Vial of Life, a program that helps individuals gather together important medical information so it is available in case of an emergency.

An elderly man learns the same lesson.
Some might say Dan Tilli's opinion letters threaten conservative values.

But the U.S. Secret Service briefly worried the 81-year-old Bethlehem man's words threatened President Bush this week.

George, when 81 year old people who write letters to the editor are against you, you're toast. And how bad do you have to screw up to make the elderly make these kinds of threats? The AARP is a dangerous enemy, and I hear they keep their own "enemies list." If you keep sending your suits to deal with these old people, you're gonna have hell to pay when you retire. They will see to it. There is a reason I haven't used my real name on this blog, George.
That reason is the AARP.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Regional Stereotypes

a poem
by Frankie Machine


If I ever hear people say New Yorkers are the rudest,
If somebody ever tells me Southerners are racist
or lazy,
If somebody makes a joke in my presence about nutjob Californians,
or how bad Florida drivers are,
if somebody ever warns me about going to Texas,

I will put down my can of Hamm's
tell them not to judge people by the state they live in,
and how you haven't seen
or racist and lazy
or looney
or dangerous behind the wheel
or inhuman,

till you've lived in Minnesota.

Thank you.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Colbert smoked him

In case you missed it.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

January 24, 1973

"If we insist on looking for something of value in this war, then maybe it is this:
Maybe we finally have the painful knowledge that we can never again believe everything our leaders tell us. For years they told us one thing while they did another. They said we were winning while we were losing. They said we were getting out while we were getting in. They said the end was near when it was far.
Maybe the next time somebody says that out young men must fight and die somewhere, we will not take their word that it is a worthy cause. Maybe we will ask them to spell it out for us, nice and slow, and nice and clear."
--Mike Royko

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

And so it resumes

One helluva Craigslist post:
How much can you people actually drink? It is so sad to walk in a restaurant at noon and see all of you sad people getting drunk that early in the day. Do you not know that the rest of the world makes fun of you people? When I told someone I lived in MN. their comment was "Nothing but a bunch of worthless drunks live there." How sad is that?" Drinking kills your brain cells , and you people need all the cells you can save. Only idots would drink as much as you people do.

Also, why aren't more late night comics making fun of the elderly NASCAR driver?
"I am doing this for seniors to show that at 70 years old, you don't have to go hunting for an old-folks home. You can go race for a little bit," Hylton said. "A lot of the old drivers want to come out here and hang out in the pits and see if I can do it."

Oh Lord.

In any event, I have had the revelation that my family resembles the American Chopper Family.
Wilford Senior works on his MGB, like Paul Senior.
The obvious question is, between my brother and myself, who is more like Mikey?

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Radio Silence

At this point, I just don't feel like laughing anymore, or making jokes about old people. It's too dark out there for a stupid blog like this. I may still occasionally post some old people crap, but most of my blogging will be about the Iraq War. Starting now.

Forty years ago, almost to the month, the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. stood at this pulpit, in this house of God, and with the full force of his conscience, his principles and his love of peace, denounced the war in Vietnam, calling it a tragedy that threatened to drag our nation down to dust.

As he put it then, there comes a time when silence is a betrayal -- not only of one’s personal convictions, or even of one’s country alone, but also of our deeper obligations to one another and to the brotherhood of man.

That’s the thing I find the most important about the sermon Dr. King delivered here that day. He did not direct his demands to the government of the United States, which was escalating the war. He issued a direct appeal to the people of the United States, calling on us to break our own silence, and to take responsibility for bringing about what he called a revolution of values.

A revolution whose starting point is personal responsibility, of course, but whose animating force is the belief that we cannot stand idly by and wait for others to right the wrongs of the world.

And this, in my view, is at the heart of what we should remember and celebrate on this day. This is the dream we must commit ourselves to realizing.

* * *

Escalation is not the answer, and our generals will be the first to tell you so. The answer is for the Iraqi people and others in the region to take responsibility for rebuilding their own country. If we want them to take responsibility, we need to show them that we are serious about leaving – and the best way to do that is actually to start leaving and immediately withdraw 40-50,000 troops.

That is why I have spoken out against the McCain Doctrine of escalation. That's why Congress must step up and stop the president from putting more troops in harm's way.

If you’re in Congress and you know this war is going in the wrong direction, it is no longer enough to study your options and keep your own counsel.

Silence is betrayal. Speak out, and stop this escalation now. You have the power to prohibit the president from spending any money to escalate the war – use it.

And to all of you here today – and the millions like us around the country who know this escalation is wrong – your job is to reject the easy way of apathy and choose instead the hard course of action.

Silence is betrayal. Speak out. Tell your elected leaders to block this misguided plan that is destined to cost more lives and further damage America’s ability to lead. And tell them also, that the reward of courage...is trust.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Product Endorsement

If you owe Frankie Machine a favor, please visit this site.

The artist is a friend from way back in my Chicago days.
We drank beers at Estelle's, and hung out in Bucktown together.
A true Chicago gentleman if ever there wuz.
And a helluvan eye.

Please consider buying a print or two.


Frankie Machine.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Old-on-Old Crime

These stories are sad. Old people are always talking about being preyed upon by young people. However, more and more old people are the predators.
Exhibit A:
"It is not too often that we do arrest a 70-year-old man on violent crimes such as this. It's kind of unique to law enforcement," Trooper Bill Satkowski said at the time of Farley's arrest.

State police said Farley had acquaintances in Susquehanna County and that's what led him to target the elderly victims who he did not know.

Exhibit B:
Ellison, 63, is accused of stealing about $11,000 from an elderly man and trying to take his home. Charged with exploitation of an elderly person, a second-degree felony, she faces up to 15 years in prison, if convicted.

Exhibit C:
Pearl I. Westmoreland, 79, was convicted of exploitation of an elderly adult in an amount exceeding $100,000, money laundering in an amount exceeding $100,000 and aggravated white collar crime by abusing the power of attorney signed over to her by an elderly man, said Florida Attorney General Bill McCollum.

And they keep attacking with their cars:
An 81-year-old El Paso driver was arrested after witnesses say his vehicle ran into a pedestrian and then hit four parked salvage cars.

And pushing drugs.
Now Puopolo, 65, is facing the likelihood of spending the rest of his life in prison following his indictment yesterday on multiple cocaine trafficking charges, including some counts that carry a 15-year minimum mandatory prison term.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

"Enemy of the State"

This is way too reminiscent of 1984 and Fahrenheit 451.

But, man, Sean Penn? An enemy of the state?
Full disclosure: I loved that movie "Sweet and Lowdown." Anyone who can make a movie with Woody Allen in it, and have Django Reinhart as a minor character, and have the main character love taking girls to shoot rats...that's a great man, Sean Hannity. You go to hell.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Old School.

Exactly one year ago, I started this blog.
I was newly unemployed, and had not yet realized how badly Minneapolis sucks.
Its suckitude lies somewhere between the University of Chicago alumni association's suckitude and the suckitude of Bil Keane.

So, I have learned something in the past year.

In tribute to my readers, and in memory of the long-ago day when I unleased my wit upon all who read me, I present a gift given me back then by reader JC.

Happy Anniversary, fellow wage slaves!

And now,
the shoutouts:
B-licious, AKA Tek Edita, I gots yo back.
the Czar, who ain't to be fu**ed wit
JC, keepin' it real a mile high.

And even to that whack great-grandchild of the old lady who ran over three people.

Keep comin' back in 2007, y'all!


Franki Machine.

It's On.

Colbert and O'Reilly.
O'Reilly, Colbert to appear on each other's shows
I hope Colbert brings this up.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

CSI: Miami meets Matlock.

Elderly Car Attacks are resuming.
MIAMI An elderly man allegedly lost control of his car after leaving a parking space at a Miami stripmall and accidentally crashed through a game store.
You don't have to be Horatio Caine to figure out how to stop the elderly menace:
Yank their licenses.

Seriously. They're attacking the nerds now. And once those pointyheads mobilize their nerd army to retaliate, Miami's gonna be a warzone littered withLittle Rascals and 10-sided dice.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

They're all done

What next?
Time will tell.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

My hero

Three out of four done

That is all.
Soon to resume frantic blogging in the new year.
Topics to add to my bitching?
Suggestions include:
a. Old drunks in grocery stores.
(I feel compelled to go up to them and say "Why are you buying food? It's a waste of money. Bourbon is cheaper and higher in vitamins!")
b. B-licious and his promises of a Malt Liquor undercover investigation.
c. Lipitor

Alright. Back to the home stretch.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007


Please watch this.

An Elderly Lament

Note: It helps if you read this out loud in your best "old person voice." And interject "I need my pills" between paragraphs.
Jackson elderly treated 'rudely'
In regard to the letter of Roberta McBride ("Most elders 'rude,' don't deserve help," Nov. 28), I wish to speak as an elderly citizen. I moved to the Jackson metro area eight years ago, and I can honestly say I have never experienced such mean-spirited people as quite of few of those who serve the public in Jackson.

Minneapolis, Grandpa. All I'm saying.

In Jackson, it is rare that I get a "thank you" from a cashier in any kind of public business. I have even started saying, "You are welcome," after the clerk mumbles the amount I owe and takes my money, neglecting to say, "Thank you."

Here's a medal.

I have noticed that your newspaper does not expend much effort in showing your respect for the elderly by neglecting to refer to any elderly citizen by either Mr., Mrs., Ms. or Miss. It is pretty evident that you were not reared in the "Old South."

This "Old South" you speak of could stand another burning by General Sherman, from what I've read in history books.
Jim Crow

On rare occasion, I have Sunday lunch in Jackson at one of the favorite places of the late Miss Irene Breland, and I am sure that Miss Breland never was rude to any server. I can also report no server has ever been rude to me there.

Wait. You eat out on Sundays and expect me to pay for your medication? Get outta here. I'd like to be able to eat out on Sunday, but unfortunately I can't afford to because of Social Security payments that go right into YOUR bank account.

Perhaps I expect too much from the people who serve me in public places of Jackson, and perhaps I may be expecting too much from your paper pertaining to your respect for senior citizens.

Over 70 years ago, the American reader was warned of the demise of gallantry, gentility, good manners and respect by a noted author. She wrote: "Look for it only in books, for it is no more than a dream remembered, a civilization gone with the wind."

Are you quoting Margaret Mitchell, author of Gone WIth The Wind? Well, if so, you seem to have skipped over my favorite line of that book:
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

Rudeness is one of the main reasons I chose not to retire in Jackson.
And with your boy W in the White House, nobody else will be able to retire period.

Larry J. Bilbro