Friday, August 29, 2008

Old Man Huggies Day!

Happy Birthday, John McCain.
This picture was taken on your birthday in 2005, as Hurricane Katrina was about to slam into New Orleans. Hope you enjoyed that cake.
God help us all if you're elected president.

No way. No how. No McCain.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Thoughts before the big moment

Watching the "regular people" give speeches before Barack Obama's acceptance of the nomination, I have to wonder:
Why didn't they let me give a speech? I would have had that stadium rocking.

"Old Man Huggies" would be a household phrase by tomorrow morning. If it isn't already.

p.s. No way. No how. No McCain.

Old Man Huggies

Courtesy of AmericaBlog.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

I get letters, sometimes


McCain Owes America An Alzheimer's Test

While Ted Kennedy and Michelle Obama were rocking the Democratic convention in Denver, John McCain made his 13th appearance with Jay Leno to joke about his age.

But McCain's age is no joke. He will turn 72 on Friday and would be halfway to 73 if elected and sworn in on January 20. That would make him the oldest first-term President ever, two years older than Ronald Reagan. He has survived four skin cancers (melanomas), including one in 2000 that was classified as Stage IIa.

McCain is two years older than his father was when he died suddenly of a heart attack at 70. He is 11 years older than his grandfather was when he died suddenly of a heart attack at age 61.

The United States cannot afford the risk that McCain would die suddenly in the middle of an international crisis.

Nor can we afford the risk of dementia. 22% of Americans over 70 are affected by mild cognitive impairment, while 13% of Americans over 65 have Alzheimer's. Ronald Reagan was diagnosed with Alzheimer's at age 83, but early signs were evident during his first term. Britain's "Iron Lady" Margaret Thatcher developed dementia at age 75.

McCain has never had an Alzheimer's test, even though he has 6 of the 10 warning signs , including his inability to remember recent facts like the number of homes he owns, the $1M lawsuit he filed in 1990, or the U.S. invasion of Iraq in 2003.

John McCain owes America a thorough test for Alzheimer's and cognitive impairment long before Election Day.

Sign our petition to the Corporate Media:

No way. No how. No McCain.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Revision to the previous post

"No Way. No How. No McCain."
Awesome line, Hillary.
I'm using it.

The Democratic Convention

Let's wrap this up and get back to beating up on Old Man Huggies.
I'm not particularly interested in what Hilary has to say, or what the Governor of Colorado has to say about what Hillary has to say, or about what Joe Scarborough has to say about what the Governor of Colorado has to say about what Hillary has to say.

Let's go stomp Grampa.

That's all I'm going to say.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Back in Boston

The summer in Washington in over.
I am back in Boston to watch the chaos of the conventions and elections from afar. But fear not. Old Man Huggies shall still feel the wrath of my fight against him and the elderly menace.

Mrs. Machine has ordered me to take it easy today, so that's what I'm doing. I'll post more starting tomorrow, and then when school starts you will probably see this blog go to an infrequent schedule.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

And speaking of trains

Atrios points out that Joe Biden is a fellow hobo like myself.
See you on the rails, Joe.

With much gratitude to John Hodgman.

Two Guys. Two Houses.

Obama-Biden. Two Guys. Two Houses.

In stark contrast, Old Man Huggies, John McCain.

Tomorrow I move on down the line. The life of the hobo knows only one constant: the call of the train whistle.

Friday, August 22, 2008

This letter to the editor is brought to you thanks to The Czar, Juan Valdez coffee, and the letter "Oh."

I was disappointed with the portion of the letter that the man from Guffin Bay wrote about John McCain and his problem in Vietnam.

I was in a convoy in July 1944, leaving from Wales to what I thought was southern France. In the Mediterranean one night, our ship was struck by another ship. We were running without lights. The order was given: Prepare to abandon ship. We never got the final order to abandon.

Compelling. Absolutely compelling. They should make a movie about this story. Oh, wait. No they shouldn't. Because it would suck. And would make no sense whatsoever.

Our ship was all alone. I was thrown from my bunk and my spine was injured. We limped into North Africa and I was on rest and recreation from July to November 1944. Then I went to the Pacific on a destroyer and served there several months. I was transferred to a hospital ship to be operated on; this was about 14 months after I was hurt and I was in some discomfort and had malaria.

I'll recap that, for my attention-deficit readers:
1. I fell out of bed and hurt by back.
2. I got a five-month vacation.
3. I got malaria.

Man, all he does is complain. Seems to me somebody should have called the "waaaah"-mbulance.

What I am saying is that what some people are proclaiming isn't always correct. We as a nation should be forever grateful for what our servicemen did throughout the 20th century without exception.

"By which I mean, print our crazy rambling letters to the editor. And keep the senior citizens discounts coming, Sonny."

Our country seems to be collapsing from within.

Why so pessimistic? With all due respect, I think we're on the verge of our finest hour. Once we get all the old people out of the way.

Seek the truth — it will set you free.

Clarence Benware

Black River

Have a good weekend, everybody! And always keep track of how many houses you own.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Holy 1-A, Batman!

John McCain is going to reinstate the draft.
As Americablog points out, the key exchange in this video is:
AUDIENCE MEMBER: If we don't reenact the draft I don't think we will have anyone to chase Bin Laden to the gates of hell.

JOHN MCCAIN: Ma'am let me say that I don't disagree with anything you said and thank you and I am grateful for your support of all of our veterans.

Old Man Huggies grew up in a military family. In fact, he wanted to go to Princeton, but was basically drafted by his own father into going to the Naval Academy. He thinks military life is something so great we should all share in it. He doesn't appear in public these days without that NAVY baseball cap, to remind everyone he was in the Navy. So it's no wonder he's looking forward to reinstating the draft.

He had no civilian life as a young man, and so like all old men everywhere, wants to take out his regrets on the younger generation. It's kind of pathological. Kind of like when your old grandma wouldn't give you ice cream, because she couldn't afford it as a child, because of the Depression, you know.

God, I can't believe he has a shot at becoming President. If that happens, our elected representatives in Congress will have to negotiate with Grampa McCain. I can see it now:

"President McCain, our constituents need you to sign this bill so that rat poison doesn't receive FDA approval as a baby food ingredient!"

"Screw them! My parents fed me whiskey as a baby and made me do drills at 0500 hours! Why should today's kids get special treatment? Now get offa my lawn!"

Pathology, I tell you.

An alternate explanation is that he drifted off during the audience member's question, and thought agreeing with everything she said was a pretty safe strategy.

Either way, not somebody I want in the White House.

Monday, August 18, 2008

A pastor lie? No! Not in America!

I told you Rick Warren was not to be trusted.

Turns out he was lying. John McCain was not in "The Cone of Silence."
Even I know lying in church is really bad.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Old Man Huggies last night

Here's what John McCain said last night:

"I think after 9/11, my friends, we should have told Americans to join the Peace Corps, expand the military, serve a cause greater than your self-interest," he said.

Too bad, Gramps. George Bush, the guy you're all huggy with and have deep man-love for, told us to go shopping. As a sort of elder statesman, you could have stepped up and led the call for service. But you didn't. You went along with this disastrous bungling whole-heartedly. You've only discovered this "greater than your self-interest" line now that you're running for President. Woulda. Coulda. Shoulda.

Also, 9/11 was almost 7 years ago. It's taken you seven years to come to this conclusion? Man, I know the elderly are slow, but this is ridiculous.

Finally, Frankie Machine is not your "friend."

End note: I think Rick Warren rigged last night's forum, was on McCain's side from the get-go, and gave McCain the questions beforehand. And Obama still came across as smarter, better-informed, and more capable.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Food For Thought

Cause for concern for McCain's stability.

My final thought before I order Chinese food and prepare for an underthecoverofdarkness departure from Washington:

Why are we letting pastor Rick Warren interview John McCain and Barack Obama?

You know who I would love to see interview presidential candidates?
A panel of Constitutional Law Professors, Historians, and Economists.
Those people would make sure the next president had the knowledge of the law, history, and money that's required to be president. Maybe if we had had such a panel in 2000, we wouldn't be in the mess we are today.

Instead, we get Rick Warren, a man who believes without a doubt that 2000 years ago, Jesus was born to a virgin, healed people with his touch, and came back from the dead to walk among us until he disappeared into the clouds. And that's OK that he believes that. I would just rather keep him from asking questions of the next president.

John McCain, the real-life Crankshaft

This comic strip right here is a good glimpse of what this country will be like if Old Man Huggies gets elected president.

Pointlessly nostalgic, unfunny, and dominated by a depressing focus on an old man's impending mortality.

I don't want this nation to go to the fair. I want us, as one nation, to rock out to Wilco with Obama!

In case you didn't hear, John McCain's favorite band is ABBA. Not an American band. John McCain hates American music. Why?

Friday, August 15, 2008

Dear CNN:

Are you really this gullible?

Shoot. If you're going to cover two Georgia hicks* claiming they have a Bigfoot corpse, I'll report the news. You know, stuff that has actually happened.


Our Lead Story: A senile old man is trying to be president of the United States.
Next Story: The United States is fighting two frikkin' wars.
In Financial News: We. Are. Boned.
Finally, in Sports: Why do you care about sports at a time like this? Old Man Huggies is promising 100 years in Iraq!

If a press conference is all it takes to get your attention, then maybe you should actually read what's on it before you send reporters. Or do some research. I found that video below in thirty seconds, and maybe I'm some sort of psychic, but I thought it was pretty clear they were making this crap up.

I would like to take this opportunity to tell you I have a leprechaun in captivity. I have him locked up under the sink in my apartment. Could you send a reporter and cameraman over? Quick. He's beginning to claw his way out. Great. I'll be taking questions.

You idiots. You make those two Georgia hicks look like Einstein.

* I am still not convinced one of them was not Andy Kaufman.


Because everyone's talking about it today.
And you look like you need a laugh.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Amazing but true facts about John McCain

This is how we win. Ads like this.

if you liked George Bush, you will LOVE Old Man Huggies.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

John McCain...

Aw, hell.
I don't know what to say.
"In the 21st century, nations don’t invade other nations."
Old Man Huggies said that. And he wants to be president.

Also, I realize I haven't told you this in a while, and the evidence keeps piling up.
Conservatives are terrorists.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Old Man Huggies and his crazy talk

I bet you five kronkers* you can't make it halfway through this without shaking your head and crying.

* "Kronkers" is what we used to call the word "dollars." We have to use the word "kronkers" because the Kaiser stole our word "dollars."

My thoughts on Georgia

The country (not the state that raised its sword against the Union and was justly burned to the ground, praise General Sherman!)...

Who believed George Bush was good at policy, anyway? If I were a Georgian (again, from the country of Georgia, not the prison colony), I would be feeling royally screwed right now. Here's why:

The U.S. military began flying 2,000 Georgian troops home from Iraq on Sunday, military officials said, after the Georgians recalled the soldiers following the outbreak of fighting with Russia in the breakaway province of South Ossetia.
"We want to thank them for the great support they've given the coalition and we wish them well," military spokesman Rear Adm. Patrick Driscoll said earlier Sunday at a news conference.

"Wish them well"?

Sounds like the "fuck you" letter we've all gotten from an employer at one time or another after being laid off around Christmas time without a Christmas bonus. In Michigan. Or Georgia (the "state" this time).

Help the US roll into a country, we'll let you call yourself part of the coalition of the willing. Your country gets invaded? Well, you see, our leader looked into Russia's leader's soul and all and...we can't get involved. That wouldn't be right.

Although, it does have a bright side. All it takes to get your country's troops sent home from Iraq is for your own country to get invaded.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

John McCain at Sturgis

And in today's episode of "Dementia Theatre," our antagonist Old Man Huggies offers his wife up as a contestant in a biker gang beauty contest.

Stay tune tomorrow, when he chooses Sonny Barger as his Vice President.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

This is really sad.

Somebody should stop the fight.

Old Man Huggies, the Joker.

Old Man Huggies tries to make the funny

McCain was off the trail Saturday , but he criticized Obama in his weekly radio address for his approaches to the Iraq war and education policy. "Sen. Obama is an impressive orator, and it's a lucky thing for me that people aren't just choosing a motivational speaker," he cracked.

Yes, Senator. It is a lucky thing for you. People are going to be choosing someone who can remember key facts, be cool under tense situations, think before starting wars, and be coherent and smart.

That someone is not you. YOU get to sit in a rocking chair and yell at the neighbor kids.

Lucky you.

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Saturday Night's Main Event

A couple of thoughts about this one:
1. How many people in this are either dead or former governors of Minnesota?
2. I love the lines " Get in there, referee!" and "That's grounds for disqualification!"

People ask me where I get my odd sense of humor and quirky outlook on life. Well, it was 13 years of Catholic school and the fact that I watched stuff like this on a regular basis.

Friday, August 01, 2008


What he said.
What the hell has happened to get us to this point where nobody cares that Dick Cheney is plotting to use Navy SEALS to get us into war with Iran, and that the government's own people attacked Americans with Anthrax?

Good thing John McCain is running ads comparing Obama to Britney Spears.

I'm telling you. Conservatives are Terrorists.