Dear Amtrak:

This is how it's done:

A Eurostar train that left London for Paris on Friday evening finally pulled into Gare du Nord yesterday morning after a night of railway mishaps.

At one point, its 643 passengers fumbled through the French countryside in pitch darkness. The train, which had left St Pancras at 8.05pm, eventually rolled into Paris 12 hours and three locomotives later.

It was met by officials offering free breakfasts, compensation, profuse apologies and an immediate investigation.

The journey, that was due to take two hours and 31 minutes, actually lasted nearly 10 hours longer and first hit problems at Lille.

I was once on a train that was supposed to get me from Chicago to Jackson, MI in five hours. I arrived twelve hours late. I was given no breakfast, no apology, and no compensation. I remember lighting a cigarette as I walked through the train station, and somebody vainly telling me smoking was not allowed.

A side note: A free breakfast in Paris must be one of life's sublime joys. I shall have to investigate.