Amtrak is Evil

They dropped a sick person off in the middle of nowhere.

PHOENIX - A 65-year-old St. Louis man went missing outside Williams, Ariz., after he was kicked off an Amtrak train in the middle of a national forest, Williams police said.

Police said Roosevelt Sims was headed to Los Angeles but was asked to leave the train shortly before 10 p.m. Sunday at a railroad crossing five miles outside Williams.

Police said there is no train station or running water at the crossing, which is about two miles from the nearest road.

Amtrak personnel told police dispatchers that Sims was drunk and unruly.

The Sims family said Sims is diabetic and was going into shock.

Amtrak crews are some of the stupidest, most bullying people I've ever crossed in my travels. I guess being around the smell of Amtrak train bathrooms for days at a time can turn you mean, but this is inhuman. I hope the Sims family sues Amtrak for a billion dollars.

And if Amtrak is going to kick people off for being drunk and unruly, I guess that means half their ticket agents, conductors, and engineers should find themselves in the middle of a national forest as well.

And with that, Amtrak is added to "The List."

Oh. My. Word.

Visit the The Comics Curmudgeon for the whole story.

I remember getting in serious trouble in high school for drawing stuff that was half as disturbed as this.

Fred Thompson is a scary old man.

There, I said it.
However, one of the memes being kicked around by the people who care way too much about these things is that he evokes a daddy figure, somebody who is strong, and smells manly, and will make us feel secure.
Some strange justifications for Fred Thompson as president come from his former honies:

The Times quotes old flame Lorrie Morgan, who spoke of the man in rather favorable terms. "I think he has a great chance of capturing the women’s vote. He’s majestic. He’s a soft, safe place to be and that could be Fred’s ticket," Morgan said, offering the following rather graphic kicker: "Women love a soft place to lay and a strong pair of hands to hold us."

I'll pause a moment while you go vomit.

Back? Alright. There is only one way to defeat this soft, strong hand juggernaut. The Democrats have to nominate someone just as soft, and just as strong handed, who captures women's hearts and makes weak pansy boys feel secure.

I speak, of course, of B.B. King.


Before you laugh, look at his record.

1. He has been an ambassador for more than 50 years. An ambassador of the blues.

2. Unlike Obama, nobody is going to argue about whether B.B. King is black.

3. Having diabetes, he knows all about health care.

4. He is very giving. I heard that he gave a woman SEVEN children. Unfortunately, the mean-hearted woman wanted to give them back.

5. He has paid the cost. To be the boss.

6. Strong hands. Soft places. He's got them. Look at that picture.

Chortle all you want, but I think Lucille would make a great first lady.

Bong Hits 4 Jesus!

Support Student Freedom of Expression.

Funny things

If you can catch the whole Robot Chicken Star Wars on Cartoon Network, do so.

Scheme

The elderly are hiring someone to manage their schemes.

Also, the Washington Post ran a story on how Dick Cheney considers himself an emperor.

Someone posted this comment:

I am from Wyoming, a political scientist, and a Republican. I have spent my entire adult life listening to Dick Cheney. I do not recall ever hearing him tell the truth to the public. He is among the most vile politicians in American history. But let's be realistic about who's to blame for all THIS. Our critical institutions - e.g., the media and the universities - have completely failed us. And though the electorate is also to blame I personally hold seniors and veterans responsible for this debacle. They should have known better.

My Word continues to spread.

Nothin' pulled the trigger but the Devil's right hand

The elderly play Gin Rummy for keeps, brother.

Four residents were playing bid whist at a small table in the recreation room at the home when one of the players, a 77-year-old man, went to his room and came back with a gun, said Maywood Police Sgt. Tim Curry. But the motive for the shooting remains unclear.

"The offender had played a hand and then he got up--nobody knows why--he went into his room and came back with a shopping basket, reached in and began shooting," Curry said

John Kerry

John Kerry is doing something George Bush could never do:
Supporting our troops and their families.
Case in point.

While the U.S. military searches for a soldier missing in Iraq, kidnapped by insurgents possibly allied with al Qaeda, his wife back home in Massachusetts may be deported by the U.S. government.

Gosh, those Republicans sure do love the troops, huh?

An immigration judge has been sympathetic, putting the case on hold since Alex Jimenez was reported missing. But her case is in limbo, and her future in this country uncertain.

She is currently with family members in Pennsylvania.

Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., has asked federal immigration officials not to deport Hiraldo.

In a letter to Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, Kerry said the grief and stress being felt by Hiraldo should not be compounded by worries about her immigration status.

"Under no condition should our country ever deport the spouse of a soldier who is currently serving in uniform abroad," Kerry said. "I feel even more strongly in this case, given the terrible uncertainty surrounding Army Specialist Alex Jimenez."

I will lay $50 that says George Bush does not even know who Alex Jimenez is. As long as I can remember, I've heard the conventional wisdom repeated that liberals can't relate to the troops, that they hate the military, that Republicans are strong on national defense, how the troops love Republicans. I never bought it.

Republicans are about to deport the wife of a soldier who is missing in Iraq. They are so spun sideways in their immigration crackdown that they are destroying a military family in an evil, heinous way. These people are cowards.

At least John Kerry is doing something about it.

Dennis the Menace

It's been a while since I did Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day.

FIght the power, Gramma!

They should have used those "special" handcuffs.

Deputies arrested a 94-year-old woman who spit on, hit and tried to bite authorities at a Bank of America in suburban Boca Raton today, the sheriff's office said.

The woman was upset over money she believed the bank owed her and became combative when a deputy asked her to leave, the sheriff's office said.

You know who the real victim is here? The police officer. Not only did he get savagely attacked, but he had to go home that night and tell his family he had gotten into a fight with a 94-year old woman. His children probably lost all respect for him.

Thanks to Sinfonian for bringing this to our attention.

Crack is Whack!

Sex.

An elderly man who reached inside a car Friday afternoon and inappropriately touched a Staunton woman was charged with misdemeanor sexual battery

Drugs.

HAGERSTOWN, Md. — Hagerstown police filed drug dealing charges against a 79-year-old woman who was allegedly dealing drugs.

Gettin the nation's youth hooked on that poison. Thanks, elderly!

Rock and Roll!

Fred Knit tle wears his belt up high. His nose is tethered to an oxygen tank; on stage he’s confined to a folding chair. From this unlikely perch, he’s turning rock ’n’ roll on its head.

Singing Coldplay’s “Fix You,” Knittle transforms the song into a powerful ballad about a grandfather’s healing wisdom. It means something different coming from an 80-year-old retiree suffering from congestive heart failure.

Early bet

I'm going to go out on a limb here.
This is not going to work out the way it's supposed to.

On Fox News Sunday General David H. Petraeus expressed concern about the new US plan to arm Iraqi Sunnis who promise only to fight al Qaeda.

"How do you know, or do you worry, that they are going to end up using those weapons to either attack US forces or to fight their civil war against the Shiites?" asked host Chris Wallace.

"Those are legitimate concerns," replied Petraeus, but said that the US was taking precautions to prevent that from happening.

This is from the same group of people who told us our troops would be greeted as liberators, that oil revenues would pay for this war, that an Iraqi army was just about ready to stand on its own, that etc.

They do have great plans, don't they? And they're so good at taking precautions.

And the heat goes on

Well, here we are. My last Minnesota summer.
It's a scorcher out there.

The elderly scare small children.

"I thought I was going to be the only one," Edwards said. She confessed to her fifth grade teacher Vicky Dow and guidance counselor Barbara Moskol that old people sometimes scare her.

That's totally understandable.

Hudock's wife, Paula, drove up and saw the car inside the store, but her husband called her on her cell phone to let her know no one was hurt, she said.

Tieche said an elderly woman was driving the car. He did not release her name, saying the department's report was not finished

I'd be especially scared of an old person who does this:

Thompson is also charged with animal cruelty, accused of tying two horses by their heads while transporting them in a makeshift flatbed trailer.

So don't blame the children. They seem to know what's going on.

Rock and roll

Please help a friend of a friend out.
A band I know is trying to get enough votes to play at Lollapallooza. Please click on the link and use your email address to vote for them.
Thanks a lot.

Sincerely,

Frankie Machine

Amway.

The Amway name is back in play.

Amway is coming back.

Alticor Inc. today confirmed it is in the process of dumping the 7-year-old Quixtar Inc. label and relegating the Alticor name to the back burner as it focuses on rebuilding the Amway brand in North America.

and

The move also was widely viewed as a way of helping the company shed some of the negative connotations the Amway name had acquired.

Over the years, some of its "Independent Business Owners" have been accused of focusing more on high-pressure recruiting tactics and selling highly profitable motivational events, tapes and books -- known as "tools" -- rather than selling Amway's products.

So, now, about those IBOs who tell people Quixtar is not Amway...

Goddamn do I hate these people. My take on this is that enough time has lapsed since they introduced Quixtar for the negative connotations of the word "Amway" to be diminished. In much the same way Arnold Schwarzenegger was able to invoke the name of Nixon to cheers at the Republican convention in 2004.

An interesting study

Cartoons make fun of the elderly.

You may think that there’s nothing wrong with letting your kids watch Disney movies or cartoons, but it seems that the way these depict the elderly is making young kids view older adults in a very negative light.

The finding is based on a study conducted by a team of researchers from Brigham Young University, who took a look at Disney pics such as "The Sword in the Stone", “Cinderella”, "Snow White", "101 Dalmations" among others.

The researchers noted that old people are more often than not depicted as angry, senile, crazy, wrinkled, ugly and/or overweight.

That's what cartoons are supposed to do. Make fun. I do hope the American Federation of Wabbit Hunters hasn't seen any WB cartoons, because they are going to blow a vein over Elmer Fudd.

And actually, I do think there is something wrong with letting kids watch Disney movies. When I have a little Frankie running around, he's not going to see any Disney. All Disney movies do is make kids say "Buy me that!"

Elderly Handcuffs

This special treatment for the elderly has gone too far!

The Victoria Police Department has developed a prototype handcuff for the elderly, designed to protect their fragile skin in cases where they have to be restrained.

and

Safe restraints are also good for police image. Privately, officers complained about the publicity surrounding the case of 87-year-old Arthur Pegler last October. A traffic unit pulled over Pegler for not wearing a seatbelt. Police say he became agitated and struck the officers. Pegler was placed in handcuffs, but the metal cuffs broke his skin before they were removed.

So, he's not wearing a seatbelt, he strikes police officers, and it's the police who worry about their image. Huh.

Crashin' the Caddy

The elderly assault has expanded to furniture stores.

A funiture store in North Fresno got an unexpected addition to the showroom floor Thursday morning, the front end of a Cadillac. The driver of the car lost control of the vehicle, slamming into the Furniture Direct store at Blackstone and Herndon.

Police say the 93-year old driver was parked in the lot outside the store.

If that elderly assailant wants furniture that badly, I'll be happy to meet her demands by giving her a sleeper sofa and entertainment center. I just don't want to move the damn things.

Back In Town

Those who have been following the saga know that I have been looking to relocate.
Because Minnesota is soooooo great.

Anyway, I'll keep this brief:
Here is a picture of the street upon which I shall soon reside.



I think I'll be there at about the same time Paris Hilton crawls out of jail, beaten, humiliated, and finally actually funny.

University of Chicago Reunion

Oh lawd.

Nerdapalooza. Poindexter-on-Avon. Nerdlingers' Ball. Call it what you will, it was a bogus waste of my ill-earned money. Here is what it looked like once you got through "security":



Two conversations stood out, and I transcribe them here, so that you can share in my pain:

[FRIDAY NIGHT, at a reunion party at some trendy sushi restaurant]
Mrs. Machine: I'm going to talk to some people.
Me: Alright. [Orders a complimentary beer. Takes the first delicious taste. Starts composing witticisms in head].
Two minutes elapse. Mrs. Machine returns.
Mrs. Machine: I tried to be social with those girls over there.
Me: How'd that work out for ya?
Mrs. Machine: Yeah.
FINIS

[SATURDAY NIGHT, at the reunion held in the gym]
Mrs. Machine wraps up some conversation with a woman from the class of OLD. Leaves for some coffee. Which you need in order to speak with old alumni.

Me: Smart kid, huh?
Old Alumna: Ha ha!
Me: She didn't go here.
Old Alumna:...
Me: Where did your husband go to college?
Old Alumna: The University of Michigan.
Me: Woo-hoo! U of M! So he has social skills!
Old Alumna:...
FINIS.

All in all, I did not get thrown in jail or "talked to." I had a great time seeing my old chums, retelling old running jokes and creating new ones. I even made it to the track to drink and play the ponies. Outside of the U of C events, it was a blast and a much needed rest before the madness rolls back in.

Absolutely Positively Unemployed!

Inspiring words for right now.
The day after Jeanne Steager died, I went into Mr. Stern's office and quit my job. I was out of there in an hour; I was back home for lunch. It's never too early. Plans are just guesses.
I suppose I am bringing tidings of subversive cheer; I suppose I am suggesting that you consider a change. Quit your job if you hate it. Go on. I know these are hard times, and people fall off the edge, but God is passing out brain tumors too, and you might as well take the plunge. The plunge is all we've got.
When you're young you think that life stretches out indefinitely and you can take this crap for another decade. And the lesson of Jeanne Steager is, No, you bloody well can't. Life is of varying lengths, and actuarial tables are only averages, and sometimes you gotta close your eyes and jump. Even if it's scary; especially if it's scary.