You can play human chess, too!

I used to dream of the day I would be wealthy and powerful enough to hire actors to be chess pieces on a giant chess board in the backyard of my sprawling estate. (Think about the set-up Mr. Burns had in that episode of The Simpsons.)

My goal: to play one game of human chess for no more than $150, or $75 per player. I thought this dream virtually unattainable until I realized I can exploit others and give the game a new, challenging dimension at the same time. The solution? Use the homeless, and pay them with malt liquor.

My scheme is full of benefits. It will give them something intellectually stimulating to do. At the same time, it will quench their almost insatiable thirst for malt liquor. Better yet, it adds a complex new dimension to the game - you will have to manage your pieces like never before. As they consume more and more booze, they will likely become unruly, unbalanced, and angry. They will fight, fall down, and wander off. You could play on a blacktop, using sidewalk chalk to draw the board.

You'll have to maintain the delicate balance between anarchy and keeping the bums happy enough to continue being your pieces. However, should chaos reign, it is sure to be entertaining. $150 can buy a heckuva lot of Old E.