I need to get biz-zay

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day? Mary Worth. Over at the Comics Curmudgeon, they've been analyzing and dissecting this stalker storyline for a while. I haven't commented on it over here because I believe in not ripping off other people's ideas. But today's denouement needs to be shown:

So. Not. Funny.

Captain Kangaroo re-enacting a scene from "Leaving Las Vegas" has no place in my comics pages.

Unfunny U of C alum of the Day
In fact, the first six months at the University of Chicago were dreadful.

Like many students who were living away from home for the first time, I had the normal homesick feelings, but my anxiety was compounded by my urban - and some might even say my "ghetto" - accent and syntax. Despite the advent and explosion of rap music, which made it popular for all students - even the most privileged - to use urban slang and hip language, University of Chicago students were still expected to use the King's English. Anything short of that was completely unacceptable and painted you as vulgar.

Given this backdrop, during one of my first encounters at the University, I learned that I did not fit the profile. I can vividly remember meeting Angela, a very well spoken upper classman from upstate New York. After having a rather casual conversation with her, she told me that I had the worst diction she had ever heard. She went so far as to question how I had even been accepted by the university. I was devastated. I panicked and immediately decided to stop talking - except in those cases where it was absolutely necessary. In essence, I became selectively mute.

Angela, if you're reading this, you're an asshole.

Funny Elderly Story
Police said Heiss twice asked the elderly man to buy him liquor, and both times the man refused.

Ottawa Police Capt. Mike Kessinger said the elderly man rode his bike to the store, and upon his arrival, Heiss, who was in the parking lot, asked him to purchase wine. The man refused and went to buy a soft drink from a soda machine outside the store.

At that time, Heiss allegedly approached the man again, this time offering him money. When the man refused again, Heiss allegedly began punching the man in the face numerous times.

Powers of persuasion failing you? Punch 'em in the face!