Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Tuesday's Gone

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

U of C crap
Jesus, why do they let these people talk?

"A small school surrounded by poor ghettos on Chicago's South Side with few women in the student body or the faculty hardly makes for an enjoyable social situation. When you consider also the stoic design of the buildings and the Chicago weather, you'll see that there is very little reason for being here unless the academic situation wasn't nearly perfect (and it is nearly perfect - at least in the physics department)."

Elderly Woman Slams Into Barbershop
"The four people inside the SUV were not injured."

Feel free to make barbershop quartet jokes as you see fit.

Monday, January 30, 2006

I need some more weekend

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day
Enron stooge U of C alum of the day

The elderly will try to kill you while you sleep.
"...the son, who was not seriously hurt, was awakened Saturday morning by shouts from his father, who then stabbed him."

Sunday, January 29, 2006

A sad old man

Andy Rooney gets more batshit crazy with each week.

All politics is Local Sunday!

Ugh. This Amway crap is really out of control. Now they're getting medals.
"I'm just honored to be on the podium with Rich DeVos, one of my heroes," Secchia said. "Who would have thunk it? The son from an immigrant family coming to Grand Rapids, a Dutch town, being awarded with something like this with the prince of all beneficiaries our community."

Two things, you leech.
1. Grand Rapids is not a Dutch town. Amsterdam is a Dutch town.
2. When Italians start talking about "Princes," I think there's got to be some pretty devious shit going down.

"He and his wife, Helen, have given millions of dollars to Republican and conservative causes and to local hospitals, colleges and the DeVos Place convention center."

I continue to be amazed at how the Grand Rapids Press serves as a newsletter for the Amway crime family. For accurate information on West Michigan's favorite frauds, please see here.

Vengeful GoogleBomb

Giant Van Lines
Giant Van Lines
Giant Van Lines
Giant Van Lines
Giant Van Lines
Giant Van Lines
Giant Van Lines
Giant Van Lines
Giant Van Lines
Giant Van Lines

Saturday, January 28, 2006

More Medicare D

Japan's got the right idea

Lock 'em up!
"According to the National Police Agency, 56,410 elderly people violated the law in 2004--2.2 percent of the total adult criminals. This was nearly triple the 1995 figure of 20,341, which accounted for 1.2 percent of the total."

Friday, January 27, 2006

Amway Nation, part 2

I think DeVos' economic plan for Michigan is to offer discounts on those Amway starter kits.

"DeVos repeated the Michigan Republican Party's claim that one job has been lost every 10 minutes that Granholm has been in office, for a total of 160,600 jobs. "
Sure, DICK. Not that Amway helps the economy.

I hate Tim Russert.

(from Amazon.com)
The Bills will never win a Super Bowl........., June 10, 2004
Reviewer: Ryan (CT, USA) - See all my reviews
Russert likes to start his promotional interviews for Big Russ And Me, by recalling how the first two people to read this book were his father and his son. They should have been the last. I purchased this novel for my dad as a father's day gift. If he wants it, he will have to retrieve it from the garbage can i threw it in. Big Russ is an idiot. There is no virtue in working 95 hours a week for minimum wage, and drinking yourself into a stooper with the families paycheck. Mr. Russert(Big Tim) crossed a line for me when after President Reagans death he was appearing on CNN with Larry King, on one side of the screen they had Russert's head, on the other, mourners passing the Presidents casket under the capitol rotunda, beneath was the scroll.... Tim Russert: "Big Russ and Me: Father & son...lessons on life". Hey Tim I have a book for you to read......"Farenheit 451.....the temperature at which Big Russ and Me Burns"

Picture Friday!

If you see this line, just turn around and go home.

TGI Friday is a crappy restaurant.

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

Bush-supporting U of C alum of the day

They are cunning, the elderly.
"After the Rights were repeated in Spanish, the man retorted, “Parle vous Francais?” And finally, in a last ditch effort to baffle authorities, the man said, in English, “I once knew a guy named Tom Miranda.” "

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Sick day

Cut me some slack. I need my pills.

Maybe it's living under Republican Rule.
Let's see.
1. It's been established they were warned the levees in NOLA were going to break.
2. Their operatives in Iraq can't even work together to get a conviction of Saddam Hussein yet.
3. It's pretty clear they're incompetent in everything they do, from Medicare Part D, to rebuilding NOLA, to wiretapping legally.
4. Osama bin Laden is still out there doing podcasts.

Depressing times, man. I'll be back tomorrow with my usual broth of nerd-hatin' and elderly-bashing. Ol' Frankie Machine's got to rest.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006


This kid will end up shooting up a shopping mall some day.

T'row the book at 'em!

Worldwide elderly vandalism epidemic.
"He had attacked her car 18 times since May, leaving the 45-year-old management consultant feeling victimised, harassed and frightened to drive."

Most creative excuse.
"I am not the cheap vandal that some would have me to be. A vandal does not sign his work. It was a wink to Dadaism. I wanted to pay homage to the spirit of Dadaism... which is disrespect," he said in court.

Week's half over, folks

Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

I get email. As I said, these people could track down Osama bin Laden.
Date: Tue, 24 Jan 2006 18:42:43 -0800
From: ucbizadvisors@gmail.com
Subject: Federal Reserve Bank of Chicago
Federal Reserve Bank of Chicago
Speakers Series
Wednesday, January 25th
6:30pm - Ida Noyes Hall East Lounge

Speaker Dan Aaronson will speak about the Federal Reserve,Economics and employment opportunities.
All students are welcome to attend.

Anybody who graduates from college and wants to work for the Federal Reserve deserves to end up looking like that guy.

Finally, a gratuitous disturbing old person picture.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Old people slang

The Boondocks

Tip of the hat to John.

Another Amazon.com review

Greatest Generalization, July 14, 2003
Reviewer: Larry Bauman (Columbus Ohio) - See all my reviews
"Brokaw delves into the world of what he calls the "Greatest Generation", whom were a group of people that watched Hitler's reign of terror on the world, until the United States was Forced into war. Brokaw's so called "greatest generation" ARE STILL racist, uncultured and ignorant to world issues. I'd rather read the back of a shampoo bottle than this lie. If you want to know about great generations, skip Brokaw's maligned view and head straight for "on the road" or "electric cool aid acid test"."

Sorry for the delay.

But I have a life, you know.

Unfunny comic strip of the day

Fiscally imprudent U of C alum of the day.
"The percentage of alumni who donate influences a school's rank in U.S. News & World Report's annual list of the best colleges and universities. At Princeton University, which tied for first with Harvard in the rankings for 2006, 61 percent of undergraduate alums give (47 percent give to Harvard). At the University of Chicago, which was ranked 15th, only 29 percent
29%? Those fundraising callers could find Osama bin Laden, and they can't even get 1 in 3 to cut a check.

This is how the elderly try to solve their problems.
"A 77-year-old Birnamwood man apparently upset about loud music was arrested Saturday night after heading to a neighbor’s house armed with a shotgun."

Monday, January 23, 2006

Mallard Fillmore

Funny comic strip of the day.

No wonder Bush gave him a medal.

Paul Harvey is more batshit crazy than Andy Rooney.
"Once upon a time, we elbowed our way onto and across this continent by giving smallpox-infected blankets to Native Americans. That was biological warfare. And we used every other weapon we could get our hands on to grab this land from whomever. And we grew prosperous. And yes, we greased the skids with the sweat of slaves."

A rare moment of commentary

Forty years from now, in a state-of-the art nursing home, the following exchange will take place between an elderly man and his middle-aged son.

Father: “It’s good to see you again, Junior.”
Son: “You, too, Dad. What do you want to do?”
Father: “I’d like to take a walk with you, it’s so nice out.”
Son: “Alright, Dad. Let me put you on your leash, and we’ll go.”

When I lived in Washington, DC, I’d see parents literally walking their young children on leashes. In the subway, in museums, the little toddlers were tethered to their parents, in the belief that the children would not run away or get lost. The child would either be out in front of the parents, raring to get at the world as he stretched the leash taut, or would be led in defeat by the parents as they walked along. I swear that I once saw a mother buy a hot dog at one of the ubiquitous vendors along The Mall, kneel down to her four-year old boy who wore a harness with a neon green leash, and give that little boy the hot dog with a “good boy” and a pat on the head.

Seeing children attached to their parents (or, in one boy’s sad case, his older sister) this way sickened me, but also struck me as a tacit admission that they had failed as parents. Unable to keep the little ones from running free, they had decided to treat their children little better than they would a dog.

You know that exhange is going to happen. It’s human nature to grow up to treat our parents as they treated us when we were little. Baby Boomer parents who were sent off to boarding schools, or who had workaholic fathers, created nursing homes for their decrepit elderly parents. “Generation X” people who were told to “Just Say No” are becoming reluctant to provide cheap drugs to their parents. The generation now in grade school is going to figure out just how cruel their parents were to put them on a leash. And they are going to wait to have their revenge. Once the caretaker roles get reversed, it’s going to be degradation city.

It's a Lovely Monday Outside.

Unfunny comic strip of the day

Manifesto-writing U of C alum of the day

I did not write this.
But, aside from the spelling, I could have. Amazon.com review of The Greatest Generation.

"Browkaw The Simplton, February 25, 2004
Reviewer: A reader
Tom Brokaw should stick to news reading for his analytical skills are on par with a moron. This book fawns over the WWII generation. Sure there were some achievements. So what, every generation has challenges some may be tougher then others but it is all relative. As another reviewer noted, the WWII generation is the greatest compared to whom? How about comparing to the exponentially greater generation that had to manage though the American Revolution and a new constitutional government? Of course there are many other examples. The American WWII generation are no more great then any other. They are being well compensated for their sacrifices in the form of free money courtesy of the working person. We workers are forced to pay insane amounts into the ponzi schemes called Social Security and Medicare for which we will never see a dime or a minute of service. Talk about reform and they all cry foul. This is not the response I would expect from "the greatest generation." Stick to being a news personality Tom."

Sunday, January 22, 2006

It's like an extended overly medicated letter to the editor

Andy Rooney is batshit crazy.

No, really?

What a sell-out.
"As a boy, and even as a teenager, I easily made friends with adults and senior citizens. I suppose it was because I was brought up in a strict household that taught us to respect people and to show deference to them. It could also be because I was not popular at all in high school and was considered a geek by my peers. "

All Politics is Local Sunday!

For the record, East Grand Rapids is a boring shithole.

"The City Commission denied a former East Grand Rapids builder the right to place a custom home on Manhattan Lane SE in this year's spring Parade.
Tom Rosema, of 601 Manhattan Road SE, added: "You've got the highest taxpayers in East Grand Rapids out there. When we don't like something, we don't like to have it shoved down our throats." "

Is it me, or is "Rosema" a DUTCH name?

Saturday, January 21, 2006

If they're not shooting people...

they're selling drugs.
The elderly run meth labs.

It's an honest mistake

As I've shown, old people really enjoy shooting people and blowing stuff up.

Friday, January 20, 2006

We get it. You don't like "the Gay."

Deal with it.
REALLY Unfunny Comic Strip of the Day

Picture Friday!

Tip of the hat to Kyle


Unfunny comic strip of the day

Copycat U of C alum of the day

This elderly menace isn't funny anymore...
"Marshall Lynn Sunderland, 81, faces charges for aggravated assault on an officer and aggravated assault with a deadly weapon after he pulled a gun on his son at their home Nov. 7."

Thursday, January 19, 2006

A little humor

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element known to science.

The new element has been named "Governmentium." Governmentium has one neutron , 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312 .

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons , which are surrounded by vast quantities of particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of four years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium -an element which radiates just as much energy as the Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Finally! Thursday's here.

Unfunny comic strip of the day

Criminal U of C alum of the day

The gathering storm.
"...a vast arsenal of guns and ammunition inside the home of an octogenarian couple in New Jersey." To be fair, I suppose you don't survive to be an octogenarian in New Jersey without having an arsenal.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Feedback time!

Can It Be Thursday Already?

Unfunny comic strip of the day

Clueless U of C alum of the day
To paraphrase: "Why won't people understand I'm only pretending to be a Nazi?"

The elderly shoot puppies.
"A 74-year-old man was arrested Tuesday for shooting his neighbor’s dog, Lafourche Parish Sheriff’s deputies said."

Elderly armed conflict continues.
"A 78-year-old Berkeley woman was arrested early last Friday morning after she allegedly shot another woman in the abdomen near the corner of Sacramento and Russell streets."

Tuesday, January 17, 2006


The elderly are now arming themselves.
"...a World War II-era grenade was discovered inside a bedroom closet..."

It continues!

It's gotta be the lack of pills.

Amway Nation

Dominos and Pyramids
Seriously, Michigan. As a native son, I am this close to sending in an intervention team. If the head of Amway gets elected Governor, people are going to start saying you're crazier than Texas.

All the rest of you, don't order Dominos pizza. Papa Johns is better anyway.

The jokes keep writing themselves.

Unfunny comic strip of the day

Delusional U of C alum of the day

Maybe this has something to do with not getting their pills
The elderly are on a rampage
"It's just the saddest thing I've ever seen, that I can think of," said witness Jerry Fuller.

Rampage, I tell ya.
"Elderly Yuma man arrested after wife beaten with hammer"

Monday, January 16, 2006

President Al Gore

Remember when Al Gore was elected president?

"It is appropriate that we make this appeal on the day our nation has set aside to honor the life and legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., who challenged America to breathe new life into our oldest values by extending its promise to all our people.

On this particular Martin Luther King Day, it is especially important to recall that for the last several years of his life, Dr. King was illegally wiretapped-one of hundreds of thousands of Americans whose private communications were intercepted by the U.S. government during this period."

I'd like to hear what C+ Augustus has to say about all this.

Marion Barry

Marion Barry smokes crack rock.

Registration may be required, but worth it. Some choice quotes:
"Newman, who once ranked among his closest confidants, is not optimistic about Barry's commitment to recovery. In a telephone interview from his home in Las Vegas, Newman described Barry as brilliant but undisciplined and "extremely spoiled," a thrill-seeker with "an incredible sense of entitlement" who revels in outwitting those around him."
Dude, YOU live in Las Vegas!

"Some people are ready to rally around Barry and blame his latest troubles on the criminal justice system. As Barry left the hospital last week and climbed into an aide's Jaguar, Howard Jackson, a self-described ex-pimp, was among a small group of admirers whooping and hollering.
"He didn't fail that drug test. They planted it on him," he insisted."
Surrre. Howard Jackson, you crazy "ex-pimp." Keep rolling.

Welcome back to the workweek, suckers!

Unfunny comic strip of the day(tip of the hat to Mark)

Unhinged U of C alum of the day
"As for motive, police say she was stressed out about not finding a job and about the workload that went into her undergraduate chemistry degree." Aren't we all. Aren't we all

Edit: New link posted. Also, I was in her class, I think.

One trillion dollars. That's a lot of money.
"The programs aimed primarily at helping senior citizens – Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid – cost the federal government $1 trillion in 2004 – almost half of the total $2.2 trillion spent. "

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Politics Sunday

Don't sit through the Sunday morning talk shows. Just come here for something to read and think about. And bookmark Gilliard's blog. He is to George Bush what this blog is to old people.

The Imperial CEO.
"When people look at post-war dictatorships as a guide to Bush, they miss the obvious. Who has more unquestioned power in modern American life than a CEO. Who is more venerated? Who remains unchallenged for years? It's not some man on horseback, but the modern American CEO, with his princeling children, unaccountable and required to do little but spend daddy's money."

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Medicare D?

Thank you, President Bush, for a program that makes us all hear the elderly complain. As if we didn't have enough of that already.
"It's been the biggest mess I've been involved with in the last 33 years," Turner said of the transition to Medicare D.

"You have customers at your counter saying 'I need to have my medication.' "
Bent said one local senior told her she was forced to pay $212.49 for prescriptions that normally cost between $2 and $5.

"She said it didn't leave her any money for groceries," said Bent.

"I just had a terrible time trying to get my prescription filled," said Margaret Powell of Galesburg. "I had to pay full price."

I'd like it known that in 2004, the elderly voted for C+ Augustus over Kerry by a margin of 54-46% . The elderly have only themselves to blame on this one.

Jeez, lady. Get to the point!

I swear Grampa Simpson is writing these things. From Oak Park, IL:
"But don’t write us off too quickly. We senior citizens have much to offer these youngsters in their 40s, 50s and 60s if they care to listen and learn from our history."

I used to live in Oak Park, and it was indeed what Hemingway said: "Broad lawns and narrow minds." And it smelled worse than Pittsburgh.

p.s. Unfunny Comic of the Day and [Insert Derogatory Adjective] U of C Alum of the Day will return on Monday.

Friday, January 13, 2006

"YOU need MY pills!"

The elderly encourage drug addiction.
"Elderly people are reselling their painkillers and other medications to addicts."

Ah, Pittsburgh

Let the word go forth...
"Pittsburgh has nothing to offer a young person. Everything about Pittsburgh smells of old people who are "stuck in their ways" and afraid to change."

Oh man, did he touch a nerve.
"After he's been around this town another 40 years and has been taxed up to his eyeballs and had his pockets picked on bizarre ventures, then perhaps his attitude will change for the better. And guess what, Joe? Then you will have become one of those smelly old people."

Picture Friday!

Unfunny comic strip of the day

Masochistic U of C alum of the day

Oh for the love of...

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Close to Home

Couldn't she get a job as a Walmart greeter instead?
"A West Michigan grandmother is suspected of three armed robberies in three separate counties over the past month."

How Old Is Chuck Norris?

If you've ever wondered what Chuck Norris lies in bed thinking about...
From his website:

"Dear Friends:

I was lying in bed a couple of months ago and I started reflecting back to my Martial Arts career as a fighter. I remembered back to 1974, when I decided to retire after six years as the undefeated World Middleweight Karate Champion. I thought that I could defend my title again in 1975 at the age of 35 and win my seventh consecutive year, but then again I could probably lose, so I decided to retire as an undefeated champion. To this day I am considered one of the top fighters of all time. If I had fought and lost, that may not have been the case.

Then I began thinking about Walker, Texas Ranger. Fortunately, Walker has been a top rated series for eight years and I thought it could probably have a successful ninth season, but then again maybe not. Anyway that is the reason I am ending Walker, Texas Ranger. I want the series to end as a winner. I know the let down of Walker being over will be very emotionally hard on me, just as it did when I retired as a fighter, but I did not stop doing my Martial Arts when I retired and I will not stop acting when Walker is over. I hope whenever my acting career goes that I will still have your support! As I have always believed, "When one door closes, a bigger one opens."

God Bless you.

Sincerely your friend,

Chuck Norris"

So, that would make him 65 today? Chuck Norris is one dangerous old person.

Happy Thursday!

Unfunny comic strip of the day

Overexposed U of C alum of the day

Overexposed U of C alum of the day Part II

Quick Survey. Please complete this analogy:
U of C people writing about sex is like:
a) Stevie Wonder singing about driving
b) Emeril working the line at Chipotle
c) U of C people bitching about old people...

How many more people must be endangered by this elderly menace?
"Elderly driver leaves trail of damage"

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Hate The Old Wednesday!

Unfunny comic strip of the day

Loathsome U of C alum of the day

And yet, they still do.
"You can’t run out of pills and call us up and say, "Dr. Rudolph, I need my pills." "

Another convert to my cause. The gospel has spread.
"Four words alone keep millions of elderly citizens across the nation alive. The four words are the beginning sentence of every call we get from anyone over 65. "I need my pills" is a statement that will haunt me every day now."

Job update: I need to find a job here
Greatest Generation my ass.
"Luciano Mares was just trying to protect his cats. He didn’t want them to eat the mouse he caught in a glue trap, so he tossed the mouse into a pile of weeds he was burning outside his home on Saturday afternoon.

The world knows the rest of the story by now. The mouse caught fire, escaped its trap, then ran back at the house and set it ablaze, destroying its contents. "

Good for that mouse. If you saw a little kid throwing a live mouse into a fire, you'd at least stop that kid, right? But what Gramps did was OK, because, you know:

“He said the mouse wasn’t dead and it took off,” the younger Mares said. He added: “We’re really devastated. We lost all photos of our family, all his papers. He’s a veteran of World War II. He’s been through a lot.”

And this is the third house burnt down by the elderly this week. Next Devil's Night, the Detroit police should just round up all the elderly as a preventive measure.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Taking you into the overnight

What is the elderly's fascination with burning down homes?
"An elderly Stafford County woman remains in jail after allegedly setting her house on fire."

This could be fun

Unfunny comic strip of the day

Fascist U of C alum of the day

It was probably more entertaining than having to listen to grade schoolers sing Christmas carols.
"Neighbours of arrested gynecologist Himanshu Desai and his wife Monalika, accused of running a brothel from their old-age home, say prostitutes attended to customers in full view of the elderly inmates there."

Monday, January 09, 2006

Let's see how this goes

Unfunny comic strip of the day

Infamous U of C alum of the day

I've said it before: Old people are dangerous.
DOWNEY, Calif. - An elderly man apparently upset about a parking dispute died in his burning house after trying to set fire to two of his neighbors' homes using "homemade bombs," authorities said.

Only the man, who was in his 80s and not identified, was injured. His home in this Southern California town burned to the ground.